Well, this is it. The final hoorah. Tomorrow, after Auburn fans witness what they hope is the beginning of the resurrection of Auburn football in their spring game, they will gather around the Toomer’s Oaks one last time.

Traditions are what make college football great. But they are often stupid as well.

Traditions like cowbells. Or person playing dress up like an indian riding to midfield to throw a flaming spear in the ground. Or this:

Meant for butts, not trees.

As Harvey Updyke rots in jail…at least for a few more months…Auburn fans will gather to hurl paper designed to wipe leftover feces from one’s anus following defecation in trees they claim they love.

There are many things Alabama and Auburn fans don’t understand about one another, and I admit, this is one of those things. Auburn fans don’t understand why ‘Bama fans crave championships so much. Alabama fans don’t understand why Auburn fans want to engage in juvenile activity usually performed by teenagers in the front yards of friends or adversaries in the wee hours of the morning.

But as we remember the trees, also remember a couple of items of import. Long before the deranged former police officer named Updyke waddled into Lee County, Spike 80DF in hand, it was Auburn’s Alumni magazine that first reported that the trees were dying. The culprit? Auburn fans themselves.

On page 27 and 28, from the Winter 2007 edition of Auburn Magazine:

“In recent years, the university began using power washers to remove toilet paper from the trees, which is faster and more thorough than the manual method. Unfortunately, it also stresses out the trees.”

Scott Enebak, a self-proclaimed tree doctor from the Auburn School of Forestry and Wildlife Sciences, is quoted in the story was well. Enebak examined the trees “monthly.”

“I’m surprised, given the power washing, that the oaks are still here. It is really hard on the trees.”

With this information in hand, what did Auburn University do? It gets better.

“While campus planners realize that the powerwashing bodes ill for the trees’ health, Mouton (John C. Mouton, senior advisor to the AU president) says experts haven’t yet found a more effective and efficient alternative.”

The article, entitled “Too Late For Toomer’s Trees?” was written a full four years before Harvey Updyke’s ire led him to break the law. The article suggests that as early as 2002 an effort called the Toomer’s Oak Project was hatched to spawn future Toomer’s Oaks from seedlings of the current trees.

To put this in perspective, Auburn knowing that what it was doing was killing its trees and then being upset about Updyke’s actions would be like a pet owner abusing a dog then appearing vigilant when the animal was murdered.

Also lost in the outcry and mayhem in recent years was what Tide fans did for the trees on March 25, 2011, a full month before the April 27 tornado tragedy. The effort raised and donated $50,000 to the Toomer’s Trees and Traditions Fund…

$50,000 totally ignored by Auburn fans.
$50,000 totally ignored by Auburn fans.

…a gesture totally ignored by the ESPN 30 For 30 hack job “Roll Tide – War Eagle” documentary. Alabama fans were painted as sinister tree killers while Auburn fans were painted as compassionate philanthropists, showing efforts following the tornado tragedy.

Still, this weekend is it. Auburn plans to delay cleanup following their spring game to give as many Auburn fans as possible the opportunity to hurl one more roll of Charmin into the oaks…trees they say they love but have been killing themselves for years. And who knows. I may just be there to heave a roll myself. I just love history.

(Follow ITK on Twitter for Bama news, commentary and smack.)

23 thoughts on “Auburn prepares to say goodbye to the trees”

  1. You are a fucking joke. The epitome of “redneck trash”. Its a game. A football game. A game that you have ZERO input on. When Alabama wins you don’t win shit. You watched someone else win. That’s your greatest accomplishment; watching someone else be a winner and pretending like you had anything to do with it.

    The tradition may not mean anything to you but it does to others. It was about enjoying something. You cant just enjoy Alabama winning. The only way you get any joy is by hoping someone else is miserable. You cant just celebrate what the team you like accomplished. You have to hope that other people aren’t enjoying anything. You live off of other people feeling bad. That’s terrible. You’re as bad as that POS that’s running scared in Boston. You cant just enjoy the good things that happen in your life. Your greatest enjoyment comes from hoping that other people are feeling bad. Thankfully real Alabama fans aren’t like that. And I hope one day a real Alabama fan punches you right in your fucking nose.

    1. Oh that we could have had this same conversation 1997-2006. Did you ever hoist fingers in the air over the games within ‘the streak’ that you had nothing to do with? Sure you did, hypocrit.

      The problem is you, not me. One day I’ll have to digest Alabama not being at the top of college football again, but not today. That’s your job (with Auburn), and you’re not dealing with it very well I might add.

      Now please learn to communicate without profanity. It’s hard for you to call someone redneck trash who doesn’t use that language in communication.

      But you’re wrong. My greatest enjoyments in life have nothing to do with Bama, Auburn, or sports in general. So thank you for illustrating the personal bias and glasses you wear when viewing the world. But I will admit, making barners like you come unglued at the realization that everything I’m saying is correct when there’s not a dang thing you can do about it does make me smile. So, thank you for the smile.

      1. Kinda ironic, ain’t it?
        That at the very end of them pore oaks’ lives, they apt to be SMOTHERED with TP like never before.
        After a glorified practice.
        At least awbarnz cain’t lose.

  2. Goodbye trees. Although hundreds of thousands of your kind are cut down every week, YOU were special.
    Why? Because people threw unused butt paper at you. (Well, mostly unused.) You stood there as a shining beacon of dry rot for the whole world to admire. The true and perfect symbol of all that is right and wrong with Auburn University. (i.e. trying to stand majestically while rotting at the core like Pat Dye himself.
    Goodbye trees.Maybe you can someday be replace by a bush or a statue of the man who paid Cecil Newton.

      1. Oh, yes, they most definitely were rolled, despite every Auburn fan (including those under 30) claiming they were there. Liars

        1. Please show us one shred of evidence to back that claim up. You cant. Because you’re a liar.

  3. Where in hell did you find that video? It it awesome. Can’t you just see the Aubie cult on their knees screaming as the trees are cut down. And to Vicious, does it hurt motherfuker? Bwaa Haww Haww! Can’t believe you compared this post to a murdering terrorist you sick piece of shit. Somebody needs to keep an eye on you. No telling what sick shit you’re capable of.

  4. Harvey Updike made those trees special. No one outside the state of Alabama knew anything about Toomer’s Corner and it’s trees until Updyke poisoned them and released them from their misery.

  5. I AM a real Alabama fan and I can assure you that this post about those trees WOULD NEVER EQUAL A PUNCH IN THE FACE FOR ITK!!
    I literally was busting a gut over this post, or rather, the comments beneath this post.
    ‘Epitome of Redneck Trash??”, “as bad as that POS running scared in Boston”… because of a post about a couple trees??? Not a whole freaking forest of trees or a bunch of trees with some mythical, magical powers!! And who’s the one with issues… or tissues??
    At the end of the day, name calling won’t garner you any support from ‘REAL’ Bama fans… sorry, but if you want our support, you’ll have to act like a big kid or you’ll have to go to time-out 😉
    So, do us all a favor and go roll those poor trees you guys have been killing for years one more time, then blast that poop paper right out of there with some firehoses OR leave it in there, then chop those babies down so those little poop paper streamers can follow them into the afterlife.
    And when enough tears have been shed for these poor trees, then there is always that Barner app I have been hearing about… virtually poop paper rolling… Epic Beyond Words!!!
    I too have heard little or nothing about the $50,000 and must confess to being curious myself… What did you people do with that money?? You did buy more trees… right?

    1. I’m not sure myself, friend, I would venture a guess though, I would guess that they purchased a statue of ‘ol Cheesestick, because of his ‘Natty’ that Awwburn has had in over 50 years!! they were just waiting for them trees to die so they could ‘plant’ it there…….

      1. @ # 1 al. fan-
        I thought surely they would get to work on a Cam statue… I mean he did, after all, win that entire season for them!!
        Seriously though, no way does Cheesewich get a statue before Pat Dye!!! Wait… does he have a statue already?? I don’t even know. Scared to know too much about them!! 😉

      1. Not a real Bama fan???!?!?
        I think you have your definitions mixed up-
        If by ‘real Bama fan’ you mean
        a. Someone who agrees with your twisted logic.
        b. Someone who agrees with you on the finer things in life like football.
        c. Someone who supports you no matter how rediculous you are.
        Pretty sure they don’t call those Bama fans…
        they call those Auburn fans!!!!
        @ITK- The magic fairies live in the trees… You totally just broke the case wide open!!! 😉


  6. Auburn defends their trees about as well as they defend their championships, i.e. poorly.
    Is it any wonder Auburn’s signature would use the term “Roll” in it?

  7. I just did a stinky Izzy Gould…it is really foul…may I borrow some of that Toomer Toilet Wipe?

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