Note (5/16/14): Attention Barners….one season a superior coach does not make. Let me know when Gustav gets you over the hump to being the best in the land. Our coach has done it thrice since touching down in Tuscaloosa. Gus? Hello? Gus? Is this thing on?? (Crickets…)

On December 4, 2012, the Auburn University football program made a statement, but nobody is sure what it is.

It could be “We don’t have a clue what we’re doing.”

Or it could be “We want a head coach that we can control.”

Or it could be “We asked everybody and literally everybody but one candidate turned us down.”

Whatever the statement may be, Auburn football spoke loud and clear on this day in history, screaming that it is content to stay exactly where it is.

For you see, after firing the only coach to lead the Auburn Tigers to a national title since before the Kennedy administration, Auburn replaced their axed coach with, well, Gene Chizik part two.

The author of the Dipsy-Doo, Trickeroo Offense© is back in town.

Yes that’s right! The head man who was trolling high school sidelines just a handful of years ago, with only one year of head coaching experience…if you call Arkansas State college head coaching experience…is now the head coach in Lee County.

Let me repeat…the husband of Krazy Kristi is back!!!

The creator of sissy football, where we try to trick you rather than line up and play man football to beat you, is back!

And the recipient of this barb from Alabama strength and conditioning coach Scott Cochran…

…is back!

Tide fans everywhere sat on pins and needles for a few hours as it was unknown if the Tide defensive coodinator Kirby Smart would be offered and/or accept the job. Losing Smart would “smart” just a bit, though it’s hard to imagine true angst over any new head Auhbuhn man with Alabama head coach Nick Saban still at the helm.

But a Smart departure for the Plains would have served more of an in-your-face than a “here-we-come” statement.

Instead, Tide fans are celebrating Christmas early as the baboons in Lee County continue their cultish, fambly ways.

The only time Malzahn’s offense succeeded against Nick Saban’s defense was when he had a once-in-a-lifetime, lightening-in-a-bottle, freak of nature quarterback under center. And that was an improbable, narrow one point win. Luckily for Malzahn, Cam Newtons come along every year. Oh wait….

And the other times?

26-21 and 42-14.

Saban said in his first press conference in Tuscaloosa “We have an opponent in this state that we work 365 days a year to dominate.”

Looks like that job just got a little easier.

(Follow ITK on Twitter for Bama news, commentary and smack.)

120 thoughts on “Christmas comes early for Tide fans as Auburn hires Gus Malzahn”

    Now if Ya’ll will excuse me, I will be candy shopping down in the locer room. Mama’s gonna have a sweet box full of chocolates tonight!!!!!

    P.S. Bammer sucks and cheats and everybody hates them.

    1. Hey Bama Fans. Gotta a second? I just wanted to run somethhing by you!!!

      I just can’t tell you how big of a laugh we are all getting out of this. We not only beat you we humiliated you and your coach on the biggest stage ever!!

      And, don’t worry. Its coming again next year, and the year after…

    2. Hey…brilliant article! Bwahahahaha how did you like that sissy offense cramming the ball down your throat and making you like it? You knew it was coming, your coach new it was coming, your players knew it was coming but Gus knew you were too sissy to stop it! Sleep tight…this is year 1…how long has Saban been in turndown again?

  2. To my freind ITK.
    For once you missed a prediction (Petrino to Auburn). But hey, this is probably going to end up even better. Ge the popcorn out This should be something to watch.

  3. YEE-HEE-HEE!!!




  4. The answer to your wonderings as to why Auburn hired Gus …lies between answer #2 and #3.

    We couldn’t hire a top coach because we won’t fully give him the keys. Gus is the best that we could hire and still “control”.

    You folks are familiar with this. Bama had the same problems before hiring $aban and agreeing to give him full control.

    1. I believe you are right Hoopie. I thought that maybe Auburn would open up the pocket book, and hire an experienced coach. Someone that could take control and get it done.

      I wonder how popular this is with the majority of the Auburn fanbase?

    Its Christmas time and I am getting my stocking filled early and often. I can’t wait until that Kyle Frazier plays Santa and slides down my chimney…. HE IS JUST YUMMY!!!!

  6. Gus back to the Fambly…yawn….
    I think the big question is how many will he be told to keep from the old staff, that will tell you how much control he really has.
    Any that he keeps know where all bodies are buried and in what cow pasture.

  7. Wow – what a crew of cretins, load of losers, dozens of dumbasses, jibbering jerkoffs, muckheaded monkeys running barnball off the freaking cliff. Saturday morning funnies continues! Stay tuned for fore drama in “As the Barn Churns”!


    P.S. Bammer still cheats, stinks, lies, steals, and everybody hates them. Except for maybe Eddie Lacey(Yummy, but not as yummy as CamDaddy) (You know, when I found out about that Laptop thing I went out and bought a toshiba and a deep sea fishing reel and girls… let me tell you I went fishin’ that day…..WOOOEEEEE!!!!) And his running mate T.J. Yeldon (thats one tandem I wouldn’t mind seeing in my backfield, if you know what I mean). And that one hunk Quadagio ( I am having an “out of africa” moment here). And the linebackers. They look delicious.

  9. Its great to be a Bama fan.
    Charlie Strong (also known as) Charlie and the infractions factory.

    Brett Bulemia finally get some more pork in his diet. He will be pining for the days when he was getting the “big” easy wins up north.

    And Auburn answers these hires with a…. the…..uh…..Gus. And his kooky wife. Thier was no real search. There were no real interviews. They have known they were firing tha Chiz for months and they just phoned this one in. If I were an Auburn fan I would be on top of the tallest building in Auburn with a 30.06 with a scope. Instead they mostly seem to be thinking that this is great managerial move because thier fake “commitee” and Jacobs made this happen.
    Pat Dye and the Lee County Mafia have done it again. Turned cow shit into fertizer. And the Auburn family doesnt realize its all the same old shit with a different name.

  10. A least Petrino would have made the games interesting in the general football sense. Malzahn is about to go into full Dipsey-do trickeroo mode. The really good thing about this is. When the DDT offense fails it is in a spectacular fashion. 5 yard losses become 35 yard losses
    I am also looking forward to seeing Auburn run a fumblerooski statue of liberty punt fake with a hook and ladder against some poor creampuff like eastern Arizona College for the Blind for a quick 6. Then reading about how marvelous it was at (Complete with obligatory article about how Malzahn will win the NC soon.) And then watching some team like LSU return the hook and ladder for a touchdown. (Complete with the obligatory article about what a overly compicated Boob Malzahn is, again courtesy of
    The most hilarious part is watching 5 of the players on the sideline hold up pictures of people like Liberace and Cam Newton, and 5 more doing interpretive dances to signal the play call. Its the gayest thing I have ever,,,,, EVER seen.

    1. Seriously, it looks like a bad impression of a Gay Pride Parade gone horribly wrong. I keep expecting the Auburn Dama club to come out dressed as the Rocky horror picture show and start singing “Lets do the time waro again!”

      who knows? now that tha Chiz is gone….Gus can go all out and get some mimes to help.

      I will leave you guys with this….

    2. I enjoyed the dipsy doodle tre M son off guard for five yards when everyone in the stadium and most of the folks watching on TV knew it was coming.

  11. First things first I am a die hard Alabama fan the son of 2 graduates of UA and younger brother who is an Auburn grad and die hard tiger fan, who is by the way a bama law school grad, anyway I think it’s a little shortsighted by you to say Kirby Smart was a more “in your face hire” than here we go hire, I mean from all info I understand Lance Thompson, Scott Cochran, and Jeremy Pruitt were going with him to Auburn had he took the job, that’s the biggest part of our young motivated staff, and oh yeah the 2 best recruiters in Pruitt and Smart, I think this sight and you are a little quick to get arrogant about what’s going on, I mean I remember the Shula, price, dubose years, things go in cycles, too finish I’m happy they didn’t get Kirby Smart and got Malzahn, however Smart he will leave soon and we will have too fight, to hire a good D coordinator and whoever he takes with him quickly, the SEC is a cutthroat world, interested to hear your response to this?

    1. First of all, can I introduce you to the use of periods? Interpreting that run-on sentence was like trying to digest an entire vat of seafood gumbo.

      Kirby Smart will get a shot somewhere, someday as a head coach. When he does there is a better than average possibility some coaches would elect to see if the grass is greener with him. It’s human nature to advance one’s professional interests when the opportunity presents itself.

      But a coordinator hire at a place that takes football seriously reeks of desperation. Malzahn is basically the same thing…one year removed from being a coordinator and six years removed from high school football!

      I didn’t want Auburn to get Smart more for the “We got your guy” thinking that was inevitable from their cultish fanbase than for the longterm detriment it would have been to Alabama football. Coordinator hires crash and burn every year. Not all of them. But just ask USM how good Ellis Johnson was as a head coach. Or heck, ask any Auburn fan how they like Gene Chizik.

      Auburn wanted Smart to begin immediately, and Smart wanted to coach the national championship game. He also wanted full disclosure on their NCAA issues, and wanted full control of the football program. AU would offer none of this, so, hence, Auburn hired a coach with one year of head coaching experience from Arkansas State…that following a hire of a coach with two years head coaching experience from Iowa State.

      But if and when Smart leaves (and he may just stick around until Saban retires and slide into position), I disagree that we’d have to “fight” to hire a good defensive coordinator. Being a coordinator for Saban pays good dividends. Just ask Muschamp, Fisher, McElwein… In short, excellent coaches would line up to work for Saban.

  12. A coordinator hire at a place that takes football seriously reeks of desperation? Richt at UGA? Muschamp at UF? Chip Kelly at Oregon? Bob Stoops at OU? Jimbo at Fla. State? Pelini at Nebraska? Every one of those schools takes football very seriously, and not a single one of them were in a desparate situation when they hired their current head coach. It’s worked out pretty well for those guys. Coaching hires that are a “sure thing” are pretty rare. Bama got one in Saban, but it seems to be forgotten that, but for a Rita Rodriguez hissy fit, Bama fans would have been embracing the Rich Rod era. Malzhan has been wildly successful every where he’s been, and his one year as a HC worked out very well also. He certainly has a resume that is at least as impressive, and probably more impressive, than each of the coaches listed above at the time they were hired in their current positions.

    1. Not everyone was happy with the ‘Rich Rod’ almost hired at Bama, just like not every Auburn fan is happy with the Malzahn hire. Malzahn was a good high school coach, but as a coordinator, it has been a mixed bag. As a head coach, he arguably took over a team that was already successful from the previous season, and ran a similar offense. That was a team built and coached up by someone else. Just like Terry Bowden winning with Pat Dyes remains. Malzahn does not have that luxury coming back to Auburn, his work is cut out for him, that is for sure.

      But anyways, I sure am glad Auburn hired him. Bama fared pretty good against him as Auburns OC. I don’t think he will match what Bama has in Saban. But anyways, there is nowhere to go but up for Auburn, at least you get to look forward to that!

  13. I am going to laugh my ass off when you classless INBRED, GOAT-HUMPING MORONS lose to Auburn and Arky next year!

    GO IRISH; I hope the Irish beat your sorry, classless ass in the NC game!

    1. Living vicariously. The NEW volunteer way of life. What is the number of coaches to turn the TenneRsee job up to now?

    2. You are a different kind of moron.

      Let’s see, Indy. We have nine seniors on this team that’s about to play for it’s 3rd crystal football in four years.

      And Arky and AU are going to knock us off next year. Go back to bed. The alcohol has affected your brain.

    3. The Irish might beat the Tide in the NC, I kinda doubt it but in reality they do have a chance, in any case it’s the same at Bama, another season, another playing for the NC.. Can your bunch say the same?….. RTR

  14. Indiana VOL,

    The janitor of the women’s locker room turned down the UT head football coaching position too!

  15. I agree with you about assistant coaches Abraham. At one point Urban Meyer,and Bob Stoops were nothing more than young motivated assistants before they got there shot, everything goes in cycles like I said. I’m just enjoying one of Alabama’s best runs while it last, and Indiana Vol what’s your deal have you seen Tennessee’s fan base lately. It’s definitely far from cosmopolitan.

  16. Moose, I’m so sorry about my grammar I had been at a friend of mines cookout and had a few drinks. Also I sent that grammar monstrosity from my iPhone, anyway I don’t agree with everything you said ITK. There are plenty of examples of big time young Coordinators who got there first shot at big programs, Muschamp ring a bell. However there is one thing we can agree on ITK Alabama is the finest program in the nation right now, and we will bring one more crystal ball back to T-town on January 7th. Not getting ahead of myself but I think we can limit Notre Dame’s offense to under 230 yards passing and rushing, and grind them down with our rushing attack. Only thing is I think we win by 2 touchdowns, but I also thought UGA would beat them by at least 7. Hopefully you don’t berate this post. Roll tide.

    1. Alcohol + blogging = disaster.

      Other than Muschamp I can’t think of another coordinator who has done well. Jimbo Fisher has underachieved at FSU. And Muschamp is just in year two. Let’s tap the brakes before naming him the next Nick Saban.

      I’m just saying it takes a while for a head coach to get his sea legs under him, and a coordinator hire is a risky bet any way you look at it. Look, nobody knows this more than Alabama fans. We’ve lived it.

      And basically, that’s what Auburn has done. Malzahn is a lifetime high school coach, turn coordinator for a few years turn one-year college head coach. We’ll see, but the odds aren’t in Auburn’s favor.

      1. You can’t think of another coordinator that has doen well besides Muschamp? Chip Kelly is going to his 4th BCS bowl in a row. Stoops has won 8 conference titles and a NC. Fisher could do more, but he just finished a 10 win season with an ACC title. Richt has won 10 or more games in 8 of his 12 years at UGA, 2 SEC titles, and has been to Atlanta 4 times. I know you’re proud of what Saban has done, as well you should be. But if your sole definition of success is what Saban has done over the last 4 years you’re crazy.

        1. Malzahn isn’t the ‘proven’ head coach that you want to think he is, yet. You are really in the same shape you were when Auburn hired Chizik, except with an offensive minded coach, with a gimmicky offense. And this is the guy you think is going to be able to hang with Saban. This is going to be fun to watch as it implodes over the next few seasons.

  17. Well I hate to get too technical but Bob Stoops was Spurriers D- coordinator at Florida before he was given the keys to restore a football power, and he has fared well. Although I am in total agreement with you, most assistants have to cut there teeth at a smaller program. In finishing I think Malzahn looks like a assistant jr. High principal, he will not resonate with recruits and ultimately want get the job done!

    1. Has he though? Stoops won a NC. So did Chizik. Was Chizik a good head coach?

      “Big Game Bob” hasn’t earned his reputation of losing big games for nothing. I can’t recall a meaningful game the Sooners have won in recent history. Same is true of Richt.

  18. Kristi sure did openly give Gus credit for getting Cam signed. And stupidly… after Daddy Cecil had admitted his crimes.

    Pride commeth before the fall.

    Looks like some followup questions are in order!

  19. I think it’s ironic.

    Go back a year. Look at the stories of Malzahn taking the A.State job.

    He was celebrated.

    It was a story of everything that’s right in college football, taking a lesser-paying job to be with family and to help student athletes and to make your own mark, etc.

    I kinda agreed with it, too.

    Well, now we know that was all garbage as it’s all been flushed down the drain in favor of the money-grab, flushing the recruits he picked up and the promises he made at A.State. I think that’s the real story here.

    This isn’t the Miami Dolphins, where the players didn’t want discipline and therefore didn’t get along with their coach taking a big paycut to fulfill his promises to make them better men.

    This is Auburn.

    This is where liars and hypocrites come to break their promises for money.

    It’s really that simple. I couldn’t be any less surprised or any more pleased. I’m struggling not to swear right now but, more importantly, ROLL TIDE. I hate trick football, that’s why I love the matchup with Notre Dame and the Tide in the BCS Title game.

    Merry Christmas, indeed!

    1. Conduit, what in the #$@! are you talking about? Malzhan didn’t say he was taking the Arkansas State job to be with family. Malzahn took the ASU job for 2 reasons. First, Chizik told him he wanted to go to an I formation, pro-style offense. Malzahn wasn’t going to have any part of that. Second, after coming in 2nd at both Kansas and North Carolina to two guys with head coaching experience, Malzahn realized he probably wasn;t going to get a good job without the same experience. Guess what? His plan worked out.There is not now, nor will there ever be, a coach in the Sunbelt Conference who wouldn’t leave for a good SEC job.

      “Where hypocrites and liars come to break their promises for money.” That’s funny. Here’s a quote you might remember: “I’m not going to be the coach at Alabama.”

      1. @Abraham

        Man, sometimes I feel bad responding here. I feel like I’m not helping you.

        But first let me start off by saying I am not a Miami Dolphins fan. Just wanted to make sure that was clear on the record. The NFL plays by different rules on and off the field, that’s why, for example, we got to watch a bunch of games that meant literally nothing this past weekend. Congratulations to the Charlotte North Carolina Panthers on their fourth win of the season…

        Second, I said to go back a year and look at the articles during the time of Malzahn’s hire. But you didn’t, that’s why you are upset with the “family” thing (he didn’t do it for family?). Read the articles, then it will make more sense before you get so upset. He left Auburn for the right reasons, now he’s coming back not necesarily for the wrong reasons, just in spite of all those “right” reasons he took the A.State job.

        Does that help?

        If not, look up a guy named “Lane Kiffin.” Same thing, same reasons, left after a year of making promises.

        1. No Conduit, that didn’t explain anything. All you did was crawdad away from your previous assertion that Malzahn was wrong to leave a job in the Sunbelt for a job in the SEC, i,e. “Well, now we know that was all garbage as it’s all been flushed down the drain in favor of the money-grab, flushing the recruits he picked up and the promises he made at A.State.” Now you say Malzahn is coming to Auburn for “not necessarily for the wrong reasons”. Make up your mind.

          Only a bama fan would sit there with a straight face and pretend that Malzahn was wrong to leave a Sunbelt job for Auburn. There wasn’t a single person at ASU that ever doubted for one second that Malzahn would leave for a solid BCS conference job if it was offered. I’m sure they hoped it would take longer than a year for him to get a good offer, but ASU isn’t complaining. He won a conference championship and left them in good shape. What else can they ask for?

          1. Malzahn was the only coach that was offered the job. It was convenient for Auburn to hire him, since he wasn’t asking for answers to the tough questions like “Full disclosure on the impending NCAA investigation”.

            Malzahn was linked to a recruiting service company in Arkansas that was run by one of his high school QBs. That was the pipeline that Dyer came from. And Dyer followed him to Ark. St, where Malzahn had to let him go for continued trouble. Even when he was hired at Arkansas under Nutt, there was questions about him getting Mitch Mustain at Arakansas, (who also transferred after Malzahn left). See any kind of pattern there? I thought Chizik was the more discipline oriented coach of the two. Time will tell if it ends up being business as usual for Auburn. One big sign would be if Trooper Taylor was re-hired.

            ASU was left in good shape for Malzahn to take over. Look at what Ole Miss has done with that hire. Nothing changes the fact that Malzahn is still not a proven head coach. One season in the Sunbelt will not make him an SEC juggernaut. Just like you all held out hope for Chizik before this past season started (And there were many Auburn fans that believed this was Chiziks year to shine again), you are ‘all in’ on the Gus Bus. Do you really have a choice?

            One thing is for sure: These times for Auburn are as desperate as they have ever been. Auburn having to watch Bama’s success every year with Saban is keeping a short fuse on Auburns hiring and firing. If Malzahn can’t compete in two years he will be fired, watch and see. But the bright side is, he can’t go anywhere but up from what he is starting with.

            How well would a 6-5 season go over in Malzahns first year?

          2. Again, you didn’t read what I asked you to read. You’re getting upset with me for what I’ve said but you simply haven’t read what everyone else has read. You’re picking whatever you want just to pick a fight because you haven’t got anything else to say or any other value. That’s Auburn.

  20. Congratulations to Johnny Football. Bama losing to A&M is the only thing that kept Notre Dame from winning the Heisman. That in itself almost makes the loss worthwhile. Notre Dame is is meltdown right now. Bwaa Haww Haww! Hiw about that 2013 schedule? Man it has Natty written all over it. This team needs to understand that they only have to beat Notre Dame and they are almost guaranteed a shot to hsve their own private place in history with a 3 peat next year. RTR!

  21. ITK, I’m a die hard fan but your UA rhetoric is a little old, I’m loving our ride at the top right now but everything comes to an end. Don’t tell me your one of those fans who just think it will never end!

  22. Also, he got the big game bob moniker from his early successes. However I know we will win it all this year and be a power house for years to come, Saban besides the title at LSU wasn’t wildly successful before he got too us. Everything is cyclical, when I was little I thought Bowden’s and Spurtiers runs would never end, there’s did and so will ours. Just enjoy it while its here buddy!

    1. @Joshua———no, you’re right, nobody ever enjoys success in football forever. Everyone loses football games, including Alabama just this year even.

      But here’s the trick——-you have to enjoy the success when you have it BECAUSE it doesn’t last.

      The problem is you’re confusing Alabama’s success with the Auburn rivalry. No matter how good or bad Alabama is, we will always hate Auburn. They just make it so easy regardless.

      But just because Alabama is enjoying another season of unprecedented success does not mean Auburn is all of a sudden doing things the right way and earning respect, etc. It would be different if he was talking like this about Bowling Green State University, for example, but Auburn is always on Alabama’s chopping block. Always.

      1. I wouldn’t call it unprecedented. There are a lot of 1 loss teams every year, including both Iron Bowl teams.

  23. Two major ticket outlets have 13,400 tickets for the BCSNCGG available for the bargain basement price of $1,100.00 each. That’s only $15,000,000.00. Don’tcha just love Capitalism? Bwaa Haww Haww! RTR!

  24. Well stated conduit, Indiana Vol. what’s your deal you generally don’t even have a point, you just make some ridiculous hateful comment and leave. I don’t understand, why all the anger?

  25. Once again Barnie is living vicariously through our opponents. They are making t-shirts transposing a tiger for the Notre Dame Fighting Irish image. just got around to printing this story, but it showed up on the Irish Rivals site last week. They didn’t think it was funny.

  26. Conduit, you’ve said two different things about the nature of Malzahn’s departure from ASU that are polar opposites of each other. Which one do you claim I’m upset about? As to this mysterious material that you’ve “asked me to read”, I have no idea what you are talking about. Perhaps you’d like to provide a link or at least a web address.

    Brando, what recruiting service are you talking about? Are you talking about Willie Lyles, whose former clients include Trent Richardson? You think it’ strange that Malzahn successfully recruited Dyer and Mustain? You are aware that Malzahn was Mustain’s freakin’ had coach in high school, don’t you? You do know that Dyer went to high school a rock’s throw away from where Malzahn won 3 state titles and built a legndary reputation don’t you? Yeah, it’s real suspicious that Malzhan could recuit those guys.

  27. No, not Willie Lyles. It was an ex-high school QB under Malzahn, whose business has since been closed. There was a lot of buzz in Arkansas about it at the time. But you can pretend that never happened if you feel better.

    Of course I knew that Malzahn was his high school coach, dipshit. That was my point. Arkansas hired Malzahn to get the QB recruit. That was pretty obvious. He butted heads with Nutt, ran a gimmicky offense there, and left for Tulsa before he came to Auburn.

    But look, good for you. You want to believe Malzahn is the man for the job. We are very happy that Auburn hired Malzahn. Other than the year Cam was at Auburn, what was Auburns record with Malzahn? I guess y’all are hoping for that next big Heisman winning player to bail y’all out again. And once again, Auburn has hired a defensive coordinator that was a fired head coach with a losing record. But I know you guys are just looking and hoping for something good.

  28. That gimmicky offense beat your redneck ass in your own stadium and won a NC. Nuff said.

    1. Lets see, 1 win by 1 point in three tries. As I recall, it was a 42-14 beatdown that last time, (on the way to a 2nd NC in 3 years) and that gimmicky offense couldn’t even score a point. So, obviously, there wasn’t ‘Nuff’ said by you to even make a point. I am VERY HAPPY that Auburn chose Malzahn. He won’t have long to get it going, and he won’t match Saban.

  29. Ummm….you Alabama fans sure are arrogant. Guess what? This is just the beginning. Because we’re losing next to no one to graduation, which means we’ll be taking the team that beat you and making them stronger and even more skilled. And we’ll keep proffering up the bitter cup to you year after year. Serves you right for being so entitled.

    Here’s something else to think about my little Crimson friends: Even your mighty Saban is only 4-3 against Auburn while coaching at Alabama. He’s only 6-6 against us in his entire career. And those numbers are only going to get worse. For Saban has never beaten an Auburn team with nine wins or more.

    And since the Bear retired, Auburn’s record against Alabama is, ahem, 18-14. Who’s the little brother in this state again?

    1. To answer your question, it’s Auburn. Auburn is Alabama’s little brother.

      That’s why Auburn fans come to an Alabama fan site to write comments on a year-old article reminding everyone that Auburn is Alabama’s little brother. That’s why you don’t contribute anything to Auburn except its “us against the world” culture of hate. You don’t write for Auburn. You don’t raise money or awareness for Auburn. That’s why you and other Auburn fans represent the Auburn culture so well. That’s what you are. You are little brother. Big Brother controls its own destiny yet failed with epic mistakes in yet another bye-week conference opponent. Auburn’s destiny was never in their hands, now it’s in the hands of Duke?

      Sorry little brother. Can’t fix a culture as broken as Auburn’s. Enjoy the win, but don’t question which brother is which.

      1. And idiots like conduit are what make the victory so fun. You actually think what football team you cheer for makes you something, don’t you? You are the perfect example of a totally delusional bama fan. Culture of hate? Look in the mirror pea-brain. Unbelievable how utterly stupid bama fans really are. I’ve stepped in things with more sense…and a better smell as well. As far as the little brother statement…that’s the typical childish bullying tactic bama fans like to use. It doesn’t work. You just have to make that statement to make you feel like you are superior, when it’s quite obvious you are just the typical idiot.

        1. Yes, a culture of hate. “Beat Bama” is on your walls and “us against the world” has been spoken by the leaders at Auburn across the modern era. Those are not the same as “be a champion” or “control your own destiny” like the University of Alabama teaches across its culture and sports including, but not at all limited to, football.

          The little brother part isn’t meant to be an explicit insult, it’s just a definition by nature. The University of Alabama doesn’t commission signs that say “Beat Auburn” on any university property, for example.

          It’s not what football team I cheer for that makes me something. Then again, I never said that. Hell, I saw as many Clemson games this year as Alabama.

          Of course, I do a lot of good to help Clemson University, too.

          Do you do anything, anything at all to help or promote Auburn University or the city of Auburn? Do you raise money? Write anything? How about a book? I’m working on another one of those and 45% of the proceeds benefit, well, nevermind, that’s the sort of stuff Auburn’s culture simply doesn’t care about. Instead, they spend their time on Alabama websites pretending them beating Alabama by Alabama’s epic mistakes is more important than what Alabama fans and alumni do to help support and promote both the University of Alabama, the city of Tuscaloosa, and the Yellowhammer State.

          Auburn makes me sick because Auburn’s culture encourages its fans to do nothing more than beat its big brother, and Auburn fans apparently only care when they might do it. it’s a culture of trying to beat someone beter than you and not about caring anything about improving the lives of others or your own school, city or state, that’s why you write on Alabama web sites, that’s why you don’t go to football games when the team is anything but very good, and that’s why you’re little brother.

          I love the University of Alabama. That’s why I help support them and the city of Tuscaloosa, and they support our goals and projects to make other people’s lives better, from food to churches and homes, to tornado relief, to underpriveleged and diseased children, and yes, even to football. I can’t imagine you do anything to help anybody and that’s why you come to Alabama sites to gloat about Alabama finally making enough mistakes to lose a football game.

          Then again, that’s all Auburn asks of you. And that’s why I hate Auburn. It’s a disgusting culture defined by the success and hate of its bigger, better brother.

          1. And you know as well as everyone else here that at least 85% of your fan base wouldn’t give a hoot about Tuscaloosa or the U of A if there wasn’t a football team there. You corner the market on Dirt Road Alumni with exactly that attitude. People who derive all their identity and self-worth from associating themselves with Bama football. They don’t write books or help the city of T’town. They just sit on their threadbare couch under an Elvis-On-Velvet, drinking Natty Light in their single wide and yell “Roe Tahd” every Saturday in the fall.

            It’s precisely the opposite about Auburn. Most Auburn fans actually have connections to Auburn either by graduating from there or through parents who did. We don’t get the average bandwagon fan that defaults to the school with the state in its name.

            Make no mistake, we didn’t come back here to serve you a plate of crow because all we care about it beating you. We came back here to remind you of your typical bammer arrogance because it’s what you earned with this slop of an article you wrote. So the only question left is: do you want that crow with or without feathers?

          2. Conduit,
            I am thoroughly enjoying your meltdown. Please tell us more about how you think you are superior.

          3. @Funky

            It’s not a meltdown. Just calling a spade a spade. That’s why you’re here, on another Alabama web site, isn’t it?

            Now get back to doing nothing important with your life.

          4. I made a million dollars last year on selling cattle futures. I donated it all to orphans in India.

            God I am so great on the internet.

            Give me an amazon link to our book so I can buy two dozen gross and make any more money for your wonderful chrities.

          5. Your savior got outcoached. Our players were better prepared. Our irresistible force bludgeoned your “immovable” object to the tune of 296 yds on the ground.

            Sorry you can’t handle being held accountable for your own arrogant presumptions. It’s not “little brother” stuff, it’s cramming your own words down your gullet.

            That’s calling a spade a spade. If you can’t take it, don’t dish it out.

      2. No, we come to post comments on a year old article to rub your sorry nose in it like a dog that pees on the carpet. You put this ridiculous tripe out there and it doesn’t just disappear into the ether where you don’t get to eat crow over it.

        1. That’s about what I expected. You do nothing.

          That’s all Auburn asks, though. Don’t help anyone, only try to beat big brother. That’s all you can do. That’s why Auburn is Alabama’s side effect of a little brother.

          I like that you used the word “Crow” so often though. That was mine and my dad’s nickname at the University of Alabama.

          You define Auburn’s culture. Auburn is a disgusting side-effect of the University of Alabama being the best, nothing more. Enjoy the football win. Help nobody. Do nothing important, ever.

          1. I remember the support provided by Auburn University towards Tuscaloosa after the 2011 tornadoes. Culture of nothing, huh? Helping no one? How about the Auburn professor who is building affordable house for low-income families throughout the poorest areas of the Southeast? Culture of helping no one, huh?

            The culture of Auburn University extends far beyond what the football team does during 12 Saturdays in the fall. That’s something you and the rest of the Updykes just don’t undertand.

            Your university? Doesn’t allow blacks to be part of white soroties/fraternities. Troll on, Conduit

          2. “I like that you used the word “Crow” so often though. That was mine and my dad’s nickname at the University of Alabama.”

            You are what you eat…

          3. Please don’t tell us what Auburn asks of us. This is what Auburn asks. This is what every Auburn student hears and sees before they even step onto campus until the day they graduate. So unless you have experienced the culture, do not make a comment about it.

            I believe that this is a practical world and that I can count only on what I earn. Therefore, I believe in work, hard work.

            I believe in education, which gives me the knowledge to work wisely and trains my mind and my hands to work skillfully.

            I believe in honesty and truthfulness, without which I cannot win the respect and confidence of my fellow men.

            I believe in a sound mind, in a sound body and a spirit that is not afraid, and in clean sports that develop these qualities.

            I believe in obedience to law because it protects the rights of all.

            I believe in the human touch, which cultivates sympathy with my fellow men and mutual helpfulness and brings happiness for all.

            I believe in my Country, because it is a land of freedom and because it is my own home, and that I can best serve that country by “doing justly, loving mercy, and walking humbly with my God.”

            And because Auburn men and women believe in these things, I believe in Auburn and love it.

          4. ‘When are you going to pick up your Nobel Peace Prize for All the Good Work that you and he University of Alabama has done.

          5. As I said, and you know it’s true:

            “And you know as well as everyone else here that at least 85% of your fan base wouldn’t give a hoot about Tuscaloosa or the U of A if there wasn’t a football team there. You corner the market on Dirt Road Alumni with exactly that attitude. People who derive all their identity and self-worth from associating themselves with Bama football. They don’t write books or help the city of T’town. They just sit on their threadbare couch under an Elvis-On-Velvet, drinking Natty Light in their single wide and yell “Roe Tahd” every Saturday in the fall.

            It’s precisely the opposite about Auburn. Most Auburn fans actually have connections to Auburn either by graduating from there or through parents who did. We don’t get the average bandwagon fan that defaults to the school with the state in its name.”

            Keep believing your own propaganda. It’s the Tahd way.

          6. “I remember the support provided by Auburn University towards Tuscaloosa after the 2011 tornadoes.”

            Oh, I remember that, too. I was there. Many people were there. We still help raise money for that.

            You weren’t part of that, though, so why bring that up? Or were you there but you forgot to mention it? Or were 85% of you a part of that? I’m very confused about that vast majority part that keeps getting thrown around or where that measurement came from.

            Like I said, you help no one, but you’re not asked to. It’s pathetic. I have Auburn friends who have helped. I’m not trying to pretend (and never said) they don’t exist. It’s just not asked by Auburn University, its leaders, students, or culture. It doesn’t define you.

            That’s why so many spend so much time doing nothing to help anyone, changing your name for no reason on your big brother’s fan sites to pretend your football team alone is anything other than the longest slide for an out, then calling an Alabama fan on an Alabama fan site…a troll?

            That defines your culture. “Beat Bama” defines Auburn’s cultural identity as little brother. YOU define your culture.

            I would love to, but I don’t link to my books or my name or business here after an off-site event was vandalized and a person was seriously hurt. That’s all I will say. It wasn’t even my business (downtown with the street-side glass walls five feet from the street, etc). But if it’s any kind of hint, it’s really not that hard to figure out if you look for the books, especially the last one from 2012.

            It’s also not as hard to help others as you think. Donate a cent. Volunteer for an instant. Nevermind. It’s too much to ask.

          7. You talk a lot of crap for someone that knows zilch about the people he’s speaking with. You don’t know what I give, what I do or volunteer for, who I help.

            Auburn people are among the most generous, giving people around. It’s why Auburn people jumped in with both feet to help you after the tornadoes without being asked. That’s Auburn culture. Even after you freaks poisoned our trees and have acted like the south end of a northbound mule for decades toward us, we reached out to clean up, donated money. This is just one of scores of articles chronicling it:


            Quit talking out of your butthurt. You posted an idiotic article and rather than just owning up to being wrong and that your beloved team got out coached by a man you mocked mercilessly last year, you lash out with a steady stream of crimson-tinted BS.

            Sack up and take it like a man.

          8. @ autigers1970

            No, I didn’t assume. I asked. If you did anything, you didn’t answer when I asked. I’m still asking.

            You didn’t help anyone, you don’t help anyone, and you won’t help anyone. Ever.

            Labeling an entire fan base as tree-poisoners, that’s the Auburn culture you represent.

            The people that helped with tornado relief don’t represent the definition of Auburn’s culture. You do. You say things like all Alabama fans poisoned the trees and all Auburn fans (including you) helped some people in and around Tuscaloosa once because some of them did.

            Taking credit for other people’s work and giving blame to millions for one person’s crime, that’s the culture you help represent. You don’t have to send links showing some Auburn fans helped with West Alabama tornado relief because I saw it myself. I was on-site both with the tornadoes and with Auburn’s trees. I can’t thank them enough. You did neither. I don’t even live in-state. The best you can do as you approach 50 is hope Alabama’s football team can make enough mistakes for Auburn to win an Iron Bowl so you can show up on Alabama fan sites and act like you’re one of the ten fans that went to an Auburn game last year or donated a penny or a second to tornado relief. It makes me sick. And you’re proud to represent Auburn that way. Disgusting.

  30. “Instead, Tide fans are celebrating Christmas early as the baboons in Lee County continue their cultish, fambly ways.”

    “Auburn makes me sick because Auburn’s culture encourages its fans to do nothing more than beat its big brother, and Auburn fans apparently only care when they might do it”

    “Saban said in his first press conference in Tuscaloosa “We have an opponent in this state that we work 365 days a year to dominate.”

    “Then again, that’s all Auburn asks of you. And that’s why I hate Auburn. It’s a disgusting culture defined by the success and hate of its bigger, better brother”

    Surely you understand the terms Irony and Hypocrisy…

  31. Ahhhh hahahahaha suck a dick you Updyke, white trash 85%ers. May you all burn in hell! Have a great trip to Orlando. Oh, and your tears still taste soooo fvcking good.

  32. 34-26. Great call though, you are a real soothsayer. Hope Auburn’s 296 yards rushing was ‘man enough’ for you.

  33. What is even more funny is Candoit keeps saying that Auburn has a ” us against the world ” mentality. He says this over and over , yet ESPN and other sports outlets have ran stories where AJ McCarron uses an ” us against the world ” approach . He ” feeds off it”. Candoit really is new at this whole sports blog stuff and even has admitted several times that he really does not know much about football. He is nothing more than ITK’s little bitch who feels he must stand up for his man when the mean ol barners point out ITK’s mistakes. He is basically what the bammers claimed Kristi Malzahn is. A crazy, insecure, and mouthy bitch. Get use to it cantdoit, Malzahn will be here a while with his mean HUNH that you still think is full of ” trick plays”. I never seen a team gain almost 300 rushing yards on trick plays before….

  34. Wadddddddup boosh? I notice not many crimson defenders have found their way back to this article. WDE you Updyke pieces of trash. Your tears taste ever so delicious.

  35. Hey, I went to Vegas and laid $1000 on Missouri and $1000 on Auburn making the SEC Championship game.

    I am donating the winnings to Mother Theresa. See anyone can be an internet do-gooder.

    I bet Conduit has a girlfriend in Canada, too.

  36. I think we are all looking forward to Gus kicking little nicky’s ass for many years to come, unless he decides to leave for Texas because y’all have been so ungrateful for what he has done. There’s a new sheriff in town boys

  37. Where’s the writer at? Can’t come face the music? Typical bama trash. How does it feel douche lord? Can I buy your tickets to Pasadena? I’d love to help out the less fortunate and you prob need to unload them to make rent this month.

  38. hahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah merry christmas y’all!

  39. I’m so glad I happened to stumble across this drivel. How does it feel to be so wrong? Does it hurt? This trickster team just had a single running back break records for breaking records in the SEC championship, not to mention our stellar ground game in the Iron Bowl. I don’t know what game you were watching, but Auburn lineman on both sides of the ball won the battle in the trenches that glorious November. Also, if 80% of our run game coming off of 5 plays is considered “Dipsy Doo Trickeroo,” I pity you.

    You were as wrong as wrong can be about Malzahn, and you continue to be wrong about Auburn culture. You know it. We know it. I’m just here because it’s arrogant assholes like you that make victory so sweet. It’s easy to talk shit like you did when you’re on top. I just hope you remember all of this the next time you’re tempted to show how much of an ass you can be. If not, you can always count on me to call you out on it.


    1. No, you’re here because you’re Alabama’s Little Brother.

      Always have been.

      Always will be.

      And yes, we can always count on you to come talk to Alabama fans, Little Brother.

      Congrats on getting into a bowl game this year. Have fun in California. It’s a great place. You’ll enjoy it.

      1. The “little brother” is leading the series since Bo went over the top (i.e. recent history). Your “always have been always will be” is nothing but talk, plain and simple. We’ve seen how good you are at predicting the future; are you sure you want to make another claim like that? But hey, if calling Auburn little nicknames, doing nothing but stroking your own ego and showing your own arrogance, is what helps you sleep at night, far be it from me to deprive you of that.

  40. An Alabama graduate just sent me this article. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH, Christmas did indeed come early, clearly Gus was a gift for Auburn.

  41. I hope Krymson Tyde an the rest of the Updykes enjoy the Big Easy. See you all in Pasedena.

    Run, Tre, Run!

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