Christmas comes early for Tide fans as Auburn hires Gus Malzahn

Note (5/16/14): Attention Barners….one season a superior coach does not make. Let me know when Gustav gets you over the hump to being the best in the land. Our coach has done it thrice since touching down in Tuscaloosa. Gus? Hello? Gus? Is this thing on?? (Crickets…)

On December 4, 2012, the Auburn University football program made a statement, but nobody is sure what it is.

It could be “We don’t have a clue what we’re doing.”

Or it could be “We want a head coach that we can control.”

Or it could be “We asked everybody and literally everybody but one candidate turned us down.”

Whatever the statement may be, Auburn football spoke loud and clear on this day in history, screaming that it is content to stay exactly where it is.

For you see, after firing the only coach to lead the Auburn Tigers to a national title since before the Kennedy administration, Auburn replaced their axed coach with, well, Gene Chizik part two.

The author of the Dipsy-Doo, Trickeroo Offense© is back in town.

Yes that’s right! The head man who was trolling high school sidelines just a handful of years ago, with only one year of head coaching experience…if you call Arkansas State college head coaching experience…is now the head coach in Lee County.

Let me repeat…the husband of Krazy Kristi is back!!!

The creator of sissy football, where we try to trick you rather than line up and play man football to beat you, is back!

And the recipient of this barb from Alabama strength and conditioning coach Scott Cochran…

…is back!

Tide fans everywhere sat on pins and needles for a few hours as it was unknown if the Tide defensive coodinator Kirby Smart would be offered and/or accept the job. Losing Smart would “smart” just a bit, though it’s hard to imagine true angst over any new head Auhbuhn man with Alabama head coach Nick Saban still at the helm.

But a Smart departure for the Plains would have served more of an in-your-face than a “here-we-come” statement.

Instead, Tide fans are celebrating Christmas early as the baboons in Lee County continue their cultish, fambly ways.

The only time Malzahn’s offense succeeded against Nick Saban’s defense was when he had a once-in-a-lifetime, lightening-in-a-bottle, freak of nature quarterback under center. And that was an improbable, narrow one point win. Luckily for Malzahn, Cam Newtons come along every year. Oh wait….

And the other times?

26-21 and 42-14.

Saban said in his first press conference in Tuscaloosa “We have an opponent in this state that we work 365 days a year to dominate.”

Looks like that job just got a little easier.


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