As we’ve documented many times before, Auburn is a cult, not a fanbase. The characteristics are staggering. They require ridiculous things like catch phrases (“All In”…”Audacity”…”War Cam Eagle”) to re-energize the troops and over invest themselves in their god…Auburn football. Or more specifically, beating Alabama.
This rallying of the orange and blue inbreds always includes some lame billboard to tie the coming season in visually for them. Something they can drive past and get all excited about the coming season. Here’s this year’s version…
What the Auburn spin machine wants to sell you this year is Auburn is going to be fast. In their minds, they really believe they can’t be stopped, even though their utter failure to continue the SEC’s string of National Championships begs to differ.
But the idea is there, planted by the leadership of Auburn Unversity in order to sell tickets to a stadium that is rarely ever filled to capacity when Alabama, Georgia or LSU aren’t in town.
I actually had a barner tell me recently that “Auburn’s gonna be faster this season than last.”
I didn’t have the heart to tell him that Auburn last year was truly a 3-loss team, that if it weren’t for two of the most improbable plays of the entire season…one of which has only happened three times in the history of college football…their fantasaical opinion of their second tier program wouldn’t even be possible.
Wait, what am I talking about. This is Auburn. Fantasy lives long and strong there, evidenced by their invention of their recent national championships.
I had another barner tell me just last weekend that Auburn’s got them a coach, which the billboard above wants to remind us of. Gustav Malzahn is the biggest nerd in the SEC. Sweater vests and glasses are soooo cool.
I again had to remind this guy…who is a friend that I like, but stupid in this one regard…that Gustav has been a head coach for two seasons. Two. Let me know when he wins one National Championship, let alone three like our coach. Four if you want to count what he did at LSU. Being a coordinator doesn’t count.
Gustav owns zero natty’s. Zilch. Natta. El-zippo.
But that doesn’t stop Auburn. They want us to know they’re gonna be fast. But in truth, Bama fans like this billboard more than any of their other lame ones. We like the word fast.
The truth is, the season, and November specifically, can’t get here fast enough.