Wake up Auburn fans. The charade is over. Time to look the truth in the face.
Last night’s 38-point shellacking at the hands of a good but not great Georgia Bulldog football team was the smelling salts you’ve needed to realize what we’ve known all along: You’ve been had.
For the fourth time this season the game was over by the time the fourth quarter began. The Shula years taught Alabama fans how miserable that quarter can be. Now that the Chizik years are upon us, school’s in session for our orange and very blue compadres.
If you want to know the secret, I’ll give it to you. But this is gonna hurt:
Cam Newton was simultaneously the best and worst thing that ever happened to your football program. His brilliance on the field served as perfect camoflauge to what any true student of the game has seen since the beginning of the Gene Chizik regime.
Visit any geriatric center in the state and you’ll bump into dozens of old women who could’ve looked the part as Auburn’s offensive coordinator with #2 behind center. Cam Newton neutralized defenses like few other players in history, requiring constant attention while leaving the rest of the Tiger playmakers on an island.
But now that he’s gone, so are any hopes that Auburn is better than a 7-5 football program.
Look Auburn fan, your football team is soft. Is there a more dangerous place on earth to be than between Onterio McCalebb and the sidelines? He looks for contact the way a fat kid looks for salad.
When your bread and butter on offense is the double-reverse flea flicker tight end throwback…
Or the hurry-up-to-the-line-and-run-another-trick-play-so-the-defense-won’t-be-ready…
Or the squat-down-behind-a-bunch-formation-so-they-don’t-see-your-tiny-runningback-on-the-fumblerooksi…
…you got problems.
Your offense is bush league, and your coaching staff is filled with nimrods more concerned with waving towels, coming up with motivational acronyms and playing to the crowd than actual technique coaching.
When Gene Chizik came to Auburn, some members of the Iowa media found their way onto Birmingham airwaves. Said one such observer, on the Finebaum Radio Network:
“There were times during games when you just had to wonder what in the world was going on (on the Iowa State sidelines).”
You’ve got to hand it to this coaching staff: When they lose, they lose…this season by 14, 24, 35 and 38 points…and counting. But is there ever a time it’s excusable to lose like this?
Yeah, we’ve heard that you’re young. Believe me. But you’re young with top five talent. Two classes of top five talent, to be exact.
In 2007, with a roster full of Mike Shula marshmallow look-alikes, the worst loss Alabama suffered under head coach Nick Saban was by a margin of 7 points. In fact, while we’re on the subject, you’d have to go back 13 years in the Alabama football archives to find a loss that resembles what you’ve been handed several times this season. The Tide lost to Arkansas by 36 and Virginia Tech by 31 in 1998 under our version of Gene Chizik, Mike Dubose. At Alabama we call those kinds of losses anomalies. At Auburn, you call that Saturday.
The Chiz owns losses of 18, 21, 24, 35 and 38 points in his three years, and is just two shy of Saban’s loss record–in a span of five years at Bama–in just three years on the Plains.
So what’s the secret to not getting blown out? How do you patch together a game plan that keeps you in the ballgame with a chance to win it late? Gene Chizik and his band of brothers would sure like to know.
But the worst news for you, Auburn fan, is, you’re stuck with him. And now likely Gus too. Think Malzahnn ever second guesses his decision to turn down $3 Million to take the Vandy job? Like Gilligan, there are only so many opportunities one has to get off the island. But don’t worry Gus…Kiehl Frazier is the answer. Or is it Trotter? Or Moseley? You’re not alone Gus; we don’t know either.
Look, by now, most of you Auburn fans have already hit facebook (again) to announce (again) that no matter what, “you’re proud to be an Auburn Tiger.” But how many times are you going to write that until you start believing it?
When are you going to be able to swallow the fact that you have a 7-5 coaching staff? If that makes you proud, then I’m proud of you. You’ve found a way to be content with mediocrity, and life shouldn’t disappoint you…ever.
But if excellence is an objective, and you don’t want to put your head on your pillow again after being some other team’s piñata, which is happening more frequently than you thought, you should probably cringe every time you see a 2010 National Championship sticker.
You’ve been had, and that one dream season comes as an exchange for a lifetime of 7-5’s.