A letter to Nick about discipline problems

Dear Nick,
I know you don’t have time for this shit, but I wanted to give you some helpful advice on how to run your football program. I have years of experience giving helpful advice on the Internet (just ask Mike Shula about all the helpful advice I gave him!), so I’m sure you’ll understand I am eminently qualified to tell you what to do.

Jimmy Johns arrest shows there is a real problem around your program. I heard on talk radio and on the Internet that this is like the 100th involving the football team. I’m deeply concerned about this.

I had never heard a football player being arrested for anything before. And now there is more than one?

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How could this be possible?

Have you lost control of the program?

Why didn’t you know about Johns’ problem? Did you fail to notice trips to South America? What about sniffing? Was he sniffing a lot during the linebacker meetings? I heard Kramer on television one time say that was a sign of cocaine.

Of more concern is the future of the football team. With so many players facing suspension or kicked off the football team, will we have enough quality players to field a competitive team this season?

What are we going to do about quarterback? I heard Kenny Stabler was arrested for DUI. Wasn’t he going to start?

But don’t think I’m being negative. I understand it can be hard to run a successful organization. So, here is a helpful idea: Since these troubles occur during the summer months, why not begin a summer basketball league for the players. They could play basketball at midnight instead of visiting the Strip or selling drugs!

Anytime you need additional help, please give me a call. I’ll be happy to help you fix your problems.

Your fan,