The NCAA conspiracy

The NCAA is part of a vast Republican conspiracy to control the United States.

At least according to a United States Senate candidate in Alabama; Mark Townsend is running as a Democrat here, and has declared war on the NCAA. According to Townsend’s website, he has filed suit against the NCAA—and is seeking a review of his case by the U.S. Supreme Court.

But while we all knew the NCAA sucked, it never crossed my mind that the NCAA was linked with sinister political machinations.

Townsend’s name on the ballot will be listed as Mark “No NCAA” Townsend. In a campaign release to the AP, Townsend said: “I believe the National Collegiate Athletic Association is the devil’s pitch fork.”

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Here are a few of Townsend’s allegations against the NCAA:
•Halliburton owns the NCAA, and Halliburton is owned by the Bush family.
•The NCAA is the reason evolution is taught in public schools.
•The NCAA was founded by the “big money men” behind the formation of the U.S. Federal Reserve System.
•The leadership board of the NCAA is composed of persons in “defense contractors, in the oil business, in the pharmaceutical business, or in the banking business.”

And why is Townsend worried about sports? Here’s his answer culled from his website:

1. History proves whoever controls sports controls the world.

2. It was said in the days of Rome, “Give the people a circus and bread and you can control them.”

3. Today in America, NCAA sports is like our days of the Roman circus.  Our bread is secured jobs or social security.

Townsend’s website calls for the end of the NCAA, but who would replace the NCAA to regulate sports? Townsend’s plan is for the U.S. Marine Corps.

“In this ideal Marines would be fair and tuff to all in sports.”

When compared with Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and John Edwards, Townsend just might be the most reasonable Democrat on the ballot this election cycle.

14 Comments

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  1. 1
    rhYno

    Let’s not get too carried away here, you just may offend the rodents (barnies) who constantly invade our Capstone Report home.

    The NCAA is Aubarn’s biggest fan, even though the AUtards fail to give the USC golden piss drinkers the credit they deserve for benefiting them by nearly destroying the Alabama football program.

    But if we look at it from their perspective, it was all Tommy Tuberville, the one in whom they attempted to fire for failure, but came up short only to realize they saved themselves a massive amount of trouble by electing to retain him momentarily prior to Alabama undergoing the darkest period in their history of existence.

    I guess Ed Orgeron could’ve achieved the same results, with the benefit of ‘Bama’s downfall, had he been chosen to replace Tator Bowden instead of Tuberville.

  2. 2
    Kevin

    Color me shocked that a bamzo would think that the NCAA is a larger problem to the U.S. than, say, the progress of the war in Iraq or development of a coherent energy policy.

    There really is a good reason why the state mental hospital is located on the UAT campus.

  3. 4
    Buford

    Poor guy, he has the right idea. His legal brief makes me sad.

    He needs to read BRENTWOOD ACADEMY v. TENNESSEE SECONDARY SCHOOL ATHLETIC ASSOCIATION

  4. 6
    WillisMann

    That’s a pretty good insult, Kevin.

    But I’d much rather have the state’s mental institution located on the outskirts of my COUNTRY, rather than suffering 4-5 miserable years of attending some off the map, backwoods college infested with nothing but rodeos, rednecks, jacked-up trucks, trailer parks, 3 rundown and heavily outdated bars, NOTHING BUT WOODS, Greek KKK meetings, and the usual, no nightlife, cow pastures and everything that falls into the farming category.

    And the best of it all, your school’s original name is ALABAMA POLYTECHNIC INSTITUTE! How amazing!!

    As far as the topic goes, this doesn’t surprise me at all and seeing how I don’t want to get into a political debate with any of my fellow Bama fans, I’ll keep my mouth shut.

  5. 7
    TylerPorterUCF

    Kevin,

    Do you find it ironic most of the mental patients in our ‘imaginary’ on campus mental institution vastly consists of morons like you aka A.P.I. alumni? I guess the minimal farming salary drives the lowlifes insane — either that or it’s the shrooms they partake of on the weekends that really takes a toll on their mental sanity.

  6. 8
    The_Joker

    Let’s also not forget about the NCAA belly aching over Obama playing a round of hoops with the North Carolina basketball team.

  7. 10
    finebammer

    “It’s more fitting because he sued the National Collegiate Athletic Association in 2001 over a variety of factors, including sanctions it imposed against the football programs at Auburn University and the University of Alabama. He didn’t get anywhere in federal court.”

    reminds me of a story.

    a woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. she lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. she shouted to him, “excuse me sir, can you help me? i promised a friend i would meet him an hour ago, but i don’t know where i am.”

    the man pulled out his portable gps and replied, “you’re in a hot air balloon, approx. 30 ft. above the ground at an elev. of 2346 ft. above sea level. you are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 4909 minutes west longitude.”

    she rolled her eyes. “you must be a republican.”

    ‘i am,” he replied. “how did you know?”

    “well,” answered the balloonist, “your information is technically correct, but i have no idea what to do with it and i’m still lost! frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”

    the man smiled and responded, “you must be a democrat.”

    “how did you know?”, she replied.

    “well, you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. you’ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. you’ve made a promise you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. you’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met but now, somehow, it’s all my fault!”

    moral of the story??

    for liberals, it’s all about intentions.

    conservatives? results.

  8. 11
    tmc1

    Tootsie and Lloyd Townsend tried to raise thier boy right….
    I remember back in the day when Mark had his own news paper. The first headline was “Local Serviceman Wrongfully Incarcerated.” (or something like that.)
    Come to find out he was the servicemen and he was arrested for punching out the manager at a Jack’s restaurant because they discontinued the Double Cheeseburger. (I am not making this up.)
    I dont know who did it but someone gave this guy a Law Degree. God help us all if he got elected President. He would NUKE South America because the bananas might have pesticide in them.

  9. 14
    Jack

    I played ball with Mark NoNcaa Townsend. He was one tuff son of a gun. If you wanted a yard he was unstoppable. He wants you to underestimate him, but I wouldn’t.

    Jack

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