Harvey Updyke trial put on hold; Judge declares fair trial not possible (duh)

In the “no duh” moment of the day, Lee County Circuit Court Judge Jacob Walker granted a continuance in the case that has gripped a fambly.

Harvey Updyke, the notorious villain in the minds of the nation’s largest cult, will get his day in court. It just won’t be today.

According to the judge’s ruling, the jury pool in the case is so tainted by news and gossip that it would be impossible for the man accused of poisoning the Toomer’s Corner trees to get a fair trial.

He went on to say he would entertain the defense’s request for a change of venue at a later date.

News flash: Water is wet!

The odds of Harvey Updyke receiving a fair trial in that county, in a courthouse a stone’s throw from the trees themselves, are laughable. An exposed snow cone has a better chance on dark pavement in the middle of July.

Walker said today, “We had a very unusual set of circumstances that occured at the Justice Center Tuesday.”

What he was talking about was the catalyst for the ruling, when Tuesday a reporter for an Auburn student newspaper claimed Updyke had confessed the crime to him outside the courtroom. We’re all to believe this really happened, of course.

Updyke isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer, but a man accused of destroying the altars of worship for an entire cult fanbase is going to tell the enemy’s scribe, pen and pad in hand, that he did it?

Auburn’s twisted followers have no shortage of mouthpieces wanting to be outfront with morsels of carefully spun information to feed to their hungry, zombie-like fambly. But from this blogger’s standpoint, there are more than a few doubts about that confession, and the motivation a no-named student reporter and lame newspaper would have in making the claim.

Al.com reporter Evan Woodbery, an Auburn beatwriter, had this to say earlier this morning:

“While Updyke has expressed doubts about receiving a fair trial in Lee County — and his attorney is likely to renew his request for a change of venue today — there seemed to be plenty of jurors who knew only the bare minimum about the case, had no connection to Auburn or were only vaguely aware of the tree-rolling tradition.”

I’m glad I wasn’t drinking my morning coffee when I read that; my computer would’ve been history! PLENTY OF JURRORS “vaguely aware” of the tree-rolling tradition?? In LEE COUNTY?!? A cattle farm doesn’t produce that much bull you-know-what.

Harvey Updyke deserves his day in court. That day just shouldn’t be in a place where the massess are wetting their sponges for the electric chair over a crime that anywhere else would result in probation.

(Follow me on Twitter for capstonereport.com news, commentary and smack.)


Add Yours
  1. 1
    Dr. Grey

    I don’t get it. Why are people so worried about him getting a “fair” trial?

    I’m not saying he doesn’t deserve one, I’m saying no matter what, someone will think it’s not fair, and if you held the trial in Auburn or Nova Scotia a jury would come to the same conclusion, because they’re adults, just like you and me.

    A fair sentencing is another thing entirely (and I’m sure there will be all kinds of debate over his punishment), but complaining about an unfair trial only makes it sound like people think he didn’t do it, someone else poisoned the trees and all he did was coincidentally call a radio station with a lie that happened to be true but committed by someone else? That’s fine, but I’m not willing to say the justice system is corrupt just because Updyke is already in more trouble than he ever expected for the outrageously ridiculous acts he (allegedly?) committed that now define a terrible part of Alabama culture.

    Yes, he deserves a fair trial. But I don’t think even the fairest of trials in Swizerland would prove his innocence. It makes me sick to think that if they find him guilty some of our own Alabama culture will be crying about how unfair the justice system is.

    • 2
      # 1 al. fan

      Sir I beg to differ when you infer that our justice system isn’t corrupt. We’re suppose to have laws against being in our country illegally, yet they are still here among us with their kids expecting ( and getting) all the free hand outs there is! you don’t even have to work to receive them, just be here illegally. If I break the law I will go to jail and/or pay a fine Did Updyke commite that ‘crime’? I’m not sure and could care less, I believe the trees are doing fine from the last report I’ve read about. But yes I do believe our so called system of justice is corrupt and unfair…….

  2. 3

    Anyone who has had to rely on the justice system to determine their future would disagree at how cut and dry you make it sound. Plea bargains are as commonplace as gavels in most courtrooms, offered to avoid the pomp, circumstance and cost of trials. And yet he wasn’t given that option. Why? Because people in Lee County want a lynching.

    People plead not-guilty for a myriad of reasons. But there’s simply no way Updyke would receive anything close to fair in Opelika. If you think so, you’d also believe an african-american would get a fair trial in Birmingham or Jackson, MS in 1958.

  3. 5

    What a ridiculous waste of taxpayer money. Fine the dumb-ass $100 and go on with your lives. There is a huge backlog of violent-crime cases just involving current or former members of the football team. Get some perspective.

  4. 7

    I agree totally. I could say more, but I don’t want the Three Stooges of Auburn football (Hoopie, Finebaum Junkie FbJ, and Hate Smurf) to start crying and screaming “Bias!” although The War Eagle Reader is still talking about how they got screwed 40 yrs ago in an Iron Bowl.

    ITK, how come the jail sentencing of that Auburn University thug, Antonio Goodwin, isn’t getting more press? Since the three largest newspapers have lost readership and jobs due to their anti-Alabama, pro-Auburn position, you’d think they’d start reporting real news again!

  5. 9

    Damn straight y’all. It’ll be interesting to see how Updyke’s sentence stacks up against the 15 years a home invasion/armed robbery is worth in Lee County.

    All barntard media seem to think they’re paparazzi working for the National Enquirer. This latest bozo junior detective played right into Harvey and his attorney’s hands.Quite comical. But then again, that’s the norm in Barntopia.

  6. 10

    I say move the trial. Updyke (I’m sure with the help of his attorney) played the AU student reporter to get his “unrecorded” message out. Now that has happened, let’s move the trial. The judge doesn’t really have a choice.

    By the way. Evan Woodberry is a Bammer ..thus another fail for the CR. EW’s disdain and cynicism for Auburn shows in most of his writings. Just because EW didn’t take nother anti-Auburn spin in this article doesn’t make him pro-Auburn.

    You rednecks can have him.

      • 12

        Bamabino, I think Hoopie suggesting Updyke could play ANYBODY just gave us a glimpse inside his cognitive capacity.

        He’s probably wearing a WWUD bracelet as we speak.

  7. 14

    Hey Cappy, my son reads this site religiously, we live in Panama City Beach Fl….he is one of your biggest fans and wordhips bama……. I have never done this before, but he is autistic, and it would mean so much to him if you could just say hello…..he would frame your response and show it to all his gator friends lol….and guys with this heated rivalry just remember the hardship that is among us…thank you

  8. 17


    An Auburn fan calling anybody else a redneck is akin to Saddam Hussein chastising Osama Bin Laden. You have COWS GRAZING at your University. Alabama students are much more cultured than Auburn students. As far as BIAS, read the War Eagle Reader or Inside the Auburn Tigers. You obviously don’t, you stupid f—ing jagoff

  9. 18

    LOL!! Cows grazing. Good one. I been to Auburn two times never saw cows grazing. But I didn’t stay around to look. When my business was over I booked outta’ there. RTR

  10. 21

    Oh, and another thing. Updyke, having lived in Texas for some time should have known what the state gave that yo-yo that poisoned the treaty oak down in Austin back in I989, I think it was, nine years in the slammer. Now the oak in Texas might have been protected by the state how about the oaks at Toomers Corner? RTR

  11. 22

    Auburn fans wouldn’t let the Oaks be protected. Every time they beat Vandy or some big name team in a down year, the hillbillies would get loose and toilet paper the tree. Nice REDNECK tradition.

  12. 23

    Auburn does have cows graze on campus near the agricultural school….ITK, have you seen that classy LSU shirt that was put out today? It says, “I’d rather take a shower at Penn St THEN (yes, they misspelled) support Alabama.” REAL CLASSY. I’d rather hang out at an Auburn student trailer park THAN support LSU!

  13. 24

    Anybody making light of the Penn State stuff has a serious lack of perspective. What happened up there is horrifying. Shame on those LSU people. Just shows how far hatred (and envy) can go.

  14. 30

    Oh FB Junkie,

    Still living in the past? First, I never said I was going to do that. If you go back 1.5 yrs ago and read carefully, you’ll see where I said your whore would willingly give it up. Second, such baseless accusations could result in an ass kicking whenever you grow a pair and agree to meet me in some hand-to-hand combat. STOP hiding behind the computer and get ya hands out of your pants. And I want my steak medium well

  15. 32
    Indiana Vol

    Move his trial to Tennessee; I’m sure the people of the Great State of Tennessee would be fair and give this Bammer Moron the penalty he deserves!

    • 33

      Always nice to hear you piety there Vol. Keep up the good work and I will keep roling my eyes when I read your posts.

  16. 34

    “Ace reporter Barner Fife checking in boss. Shall I continue to dog McCarron or do we have another court case to cover today”?

  17. 35

    I’m sure the Alabama tea-bagger won’t get a fair trial either, right bama fans? His trial should be moved to Bellefonte, PA. They know what to do with perverts up there.

  18. 37

    IQ, AKA as the LSU fan who called me the ‘N’ word then changed his screen name:

    Are you seriously comparing the 2 VERY DIFFERENT situations? One set of victims were defenseless CHILDREN, the LSU victim (lol) was a drunk coon ass who was passed out at a Krystals in Sodomville, AKA, French Quarter. BTW, as an investigative reporter who has covered many trials, you’re a defense lawyer’s wet dream. That means you’re stupid, dumb ass

    • 38

      Fisrt of all RC I never called you the “N” word, but obviously your reading and comprehension skills are too poor to undstand that. The “N” word was used in a sentence stating that I would never call you that, but your need to be a victim and assume that anyone who is not black is a racist in order for you to have an excuse and feel better about your lack of satisfactory accomplishment or achivement in your life and have someone else to blame it on besides yourself, made you see it differently.

      Secondly, to your comment here, I don’t know about you, but when I was 10 years I was not as defenseless as someone who was unconcious and passed out (for whatever reason). At 10 years old if you had tried to do to me what Sandusky did to that boy in the shower, you would have been kicked squarely in the nuts and/or bitten or scratched to pieces if you would have tried on me. And even though his/your strength might have evently sudued me and kept me from screaming my lungs out there would have been physical DNA evidence to support my claims against him/you, just in case there wasn’t a you tube viedo for the world to see like there was in the case of the 40 year old Alabama pervert attacking the defenseless passed out college student, regardless if it took place in downtown New Orleans or Birhingham. Put that in your defense lawye’s wet dreams.

      • 39

        First, it was debatable if he was an actually enrolled college student. Second, you are out of your corn dog mind if you think a 10 yr old child is more equipped to fight a grown man then any adult The adult was passed out and if he gets assaulted in Sodomville, it’s his own damn fault, you backwards mud dog

        • 40
          The Truth

          Again RC you demonstrate your lack of reading and comprehension skills. I never said a 10 yr old child is more equipped to fight a grown man THAN (not THEN – funny how you make fun of people for making that mistake and THEN you do the exact same thing. I guess that makes you as stupid as you claim they are, right) ANY adult. I inferred (go look the word up) that a10 year old child was more equipped to fight a grown man that a passed out adult would be. Get your defense lawer who has wet dreams to explain the difference to you if you’re too dumb to understand it.

          And the fact that it may be debatable if the victim of the 32 year Alabama pervert, Brian Downing, was an actually enrolled college student, that fact is irrelavant unless you RC are a pervert like Downing.

  19. 41

    I hate to sound so……non chalant about it. But THEY ARE JUST FUCKING TREES!!! Seriousy, the unwashed horde waste more trees throwing toilet paper to celebrate every minor accomplishment than these two trees would ever yeild. These trees have cost thousands in taxpayer money just to clean up toilet paper messes after Auburn beats schools like LaMonroe.

    • 42

      So using your logig almighty if an Auburn fan destroyed one or two of the statutes at Alabama, are you saying your attitude would be “THEY ARE JUST FUCKING STATUTES” that can be easily replaced so it would be no big deal and the Auburn fan should not be charged with a crime?

      And at least Auburn beats ULM (called LaMonroe by ignorant gumps), unlike Alabama!

      • 43

        Very weak argument. So, I guess we should want Gene Chizzel as our coach.

        A statue to a real person is different than a fucking tree that gets abused every fall after a minor victory

  20. 44

    The TrUTH has proven to be a hypocritical dumb ass yet again. First, what the hell is up with your spelling errors. “Lawer”? Now, your dumb ass will try to explain the difference between typos I guess. You have them all over your little monologue, lol

    The LSU “victim” (lol–pussy) was OF AGE and PAsSED OUT at a fucking Krystal’s restaurant in Sodom and Gomorah. Do you understand how many misdemeanor laws the little pussy was breaking just being in a passed out state of mind in public? And you are INFERRING a 10-yr old kid is STILL better equipped than he is? This stupid, POS was NOT in his house NOR at a place of HIGHER LEARNING when this happened you dumb fucking Cajun! Comparing the two or even INFERRING they are similar is the result of your sick mind. You and your LSU seem to be infatuated with dicks. Your new QB exposes himself to any underage girl that crosses his path, and your University markets T-Shirts that make “lite” of the Sandusky trial. That is disgusting behavior, and it will not be tolerated

    Downing was wrong, but you must have a sick mind to even INFER these 2 VASTLY different incidents are similar. MOST ppl are laughing at the passed out thug victim from LSU. Child abuse is no laughing matter, you fucking Cajun piece of shit! Racist and ignorance rolled into one-THE TRUTH

  21. 48

    I actually have a master’s degree, Truth. Please understand I said That’s MASTER’S as in M.A. Not the same as a Slave Master or Masturbation which is what immediately comes to your sick mind

    • 49
      The Truth

      RC you may have gone to class but you sure didn’t learn any.

      Here’s a sampling of what a MASTER’S (“as in M.A.”) degree from the university of Alabama will get you as demonstrated by RC:

      June 21, 2012 at 7:46 pm#

      “As far as BIAS, read the War Eagle Reader or Inside the Auburn Tigers. You obviously don’t, you stupid f—ing jagoff.”

      June 28, 2012 at 9:58 pm#

      “Just call me the scoop master.”

      July 2, 2012 at 5:02 am#

      “….but the facts are we both know you don’t have a
      girlfriend. If you do, post her pic so we can see the little whore. She would have to be a whore, to be with a dip-stained, cum guzzler like yourself.”

      June 24, 2012 at 4:21 pm#

      ” If you go back 1.5 yrs ago and read carefully, you’ll see where I said your whore would willingly give it up. Second, such baseless accusations could result in an ass kicking whenever you grow a pair and agree to meet me in some hand-to-hand combat. STOP hiding behind the computer and get ya hands out of your pants. And I want my steak medium well”

      June 26, 2012 at 7:24 pm#

      “… the LSU victim (lol) was a drunk coon ass who was passed out at a Krystals in Sodomville, AKA, French Quarter. BTW, as an investigative reporter who has covered many trials, you’re a defense lawyer’s wet dream. That means you’re stupid, dumb ass”

      June 28, 2012 at 5:23 am#

      “The LSU “victim” (lol–pussy) was OF AGE and PAsSED OUT at a fucking Krystal’s restaurant in Sodom and Gomorah. Do you understand how many misdemeanor laws the little pussy was breaking just being in a passed out state of mind in public?

      “… you dumb fucking Cajun!

      “… you fucking Cajun piece of shit!”

      May 29, 2012 at 10:27 am#

      “Your former fat ass AD and SID compared Alabama people to Nazis.

      “Is your wife still giving paid holidays to THE HELP?”

      May 30, 2012 at 6:15 pm#

      “AU ppl are hypocritical bastards!”

      May 31, 2012 at 10:09 am#

      “…. you sorry son of a bitch?”

      June 5, 2012 at 12:32 pm#

      “Hey stupid, Cajuns are widely renowned for fucking their sisters.”
      “MOST LSU fans left the Superdome before the final LSU player blew his wadd”

      May 18, 2012 at 10:48 am#

      “…. a known felon and statutory rapist like Cam Newton”

      May 24, 2012 at 9:57 am#

      ” I had my attorney with me bitch boy as a witness to make sure you didn’t bring your Klan-ish redneck posse! We drove around the perimeters and waited til 9:15, you spineless sack of shit.”

      “… why don’t you face me and fight me hand-to hand like a real man. I guess when you saw my attorney/pastor/witness, you thought you were going to be ambushed like your pussy ass promised to do to me. What’s wrong, FBJ? You can’t fight like a real man and engage in some hand-to-hand combat?”

      “As far as “gang rapes,” you don’t even have a girlfriend, you cum guzzler. If you do, post the little whore’s pic on this site. She’d have to be a whore to date some dip-stained cum guzzler like you.”

      “After your beatdown, I was going to bull whip you through a private obstacle course. You have no idea of my reputation in the community and my profession. Since you have never been taught discipline and respect in your house, it was going to be up to me to pass on those values to you so you could pass them on to your illegitimate children.”

      May 24, 2012 at 7:19 pm#

      “FBJ, you working long hours tonight at the burger joint? Where’s your snappy comeback? Cock-a-doodle do, you turd”

      July 1, 2012 at 12:13 pm#

      “Only coward-ass pussies with low self-esteem”

      June 7, 2012 at 9:06 am#

      “The racist Hoopie strikes again …how are you now defending white-trash Auburn University?”

      May 28, 2012 at 4:30 pm#


      “You sorry piece of shyt hypocrite.”

      “You BETTER NOT retort with that bullshyt that you’re here to defend that shyt college Auburn”

  22. 50

    X-Flash apparently has no self esteem. After the 21-0 beatdown in which the Corndogs lost their manhood in a form by which they will never recover, I can’t believe anyone from the Swamp State would ever show their face over here again. Much less come over here incognito running their mouths and flaming. Even if the corndogs were to somehow win this year and go on to a Natty, there will never be another season like 2011, and they will never live it down or recover a win in any game with Bama that could even come close to Jan 9th 2011 in New Orleans. For the Corndogs it is a night that will live in infamy. Bwaa haww haww! RTR!

  23. 52

    Hilarious EA Sports NCAA 13 ad with Mike the Tiger playing the game with RGIII as his QB. Miles catches him and goes off on him.

  24. 53

    Ooooh, The Truth is soooooooo smart that he can cut and paste. You really took time out of your day to do this? Do you have a real man’s job or do you work security at a morgue? Lol, I LOVE IT, I AM IN YOUR HEAD, TRUTH!! I OWN YOUR ASS, BOY. CUT AND PASTE THAT!!

    If you actually believe college educated people don’t curse (on a blog of all places), you are 1 dumb mother fucker, MR CUT and PASTE defense expert.

    LSU just prematurely blew their wadd AGAIN!!!21-0 BOOYAH

    Go get YOUR 2ND PLACE RING:)

  25. 54

    Zach Mettenberger says a degree from LSu will allow you to fuck any underage girl money can buy. A degree from LSU will allow you to be fondled at any restaurant on Bourbon St.A
    degree from LSU will allow certain people to reveal THE TRUTH of how they feel about minorities by calling them the ‘N’ word, only to later disguise their racism through “debate.” A degree from LSU is about as worthless as the napkins that 21 yr old used to wipe Downing’s pubic hair off his neck. Downing was 21, right? I mean surely the passed out Peter puffer had to be of drinking age to be passed out in public?

  26. 55

    THE TRUTH be told, a degree from LSU will allow you to market T-shirts insulting your rival while making fun of child rape…”I’d rather take a shower at Penn State, THEN (LOL) support Alabama.” CRUEL Backwards CAJUN

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