Auburn: How Would Jesus Cheat?

Thanks to the Holiest Village on the Plains, we now know how God cheats because if Auburn’s wins were a God thing™, then this longstanding tradition of cheating must be too! We should meditate on the lessons Auburn has taught us:

Today’s reading is from the Book of Aubie: “Yea though the energy vampires assail thee, fear not if you keep it down home cuz. Woe to him that does not keep it down home cuz: for the loudmouth has no part in the family. He should be accursed.”

Today’s homily is on how the faithful should respond when attacked by outsiders. You know them—the people who are not in “The Family,” or those who do not understand that It is a God thing™. As Gene taught us, God will reward those who have faith in Auburn and punish those who have faith in other gods like Clemson or Alabama Crimson Tide coach Nick Saban—the evil one. The Family should have faith that God will smite our enemies.

But we should leave nothing to chance. God helps those who help themselves, so let us smite those who hurt the family. Let us together smear the HBO Four! Let us allege that others cheated more or paid these men to lie on television. If we are in for a penny, in for a pound, then our protestations of innocence should be the louder.

As was taught to us in the encyclical Circumvenio, the best way to cheat is the way Jesus would cheat. Jesus would cheat with the Rhythm Method. You cheat a little on Big Cat Weekend and have your friends in the media like the Auburn site on the Rivals network try to cover it up for you, and if that doesn’t work you skip cheating for a few weeks, or at least try not to do it in front of the cameras.

Remember: It is not a sin if Cam doesn’t know.

One final note. In all seriousness that should give pause to all fans and preachers alike. From St. Augustine: Do not, says He, desire to become known in the same way as the hypocrites. Now it is manifest that hypocrites have not that in their heart also which they hold forth before the eyes of men. For hypocrites are pretenders, as it were setters forth of other characters, just as in the plays of the theatre. For he who acts the part of Agamemnon in tragedy, for example, or of any other person belonging to the history or legend which is acted, is not really the person himself, but personates him, and is called a hypocrite. In like manner, in the Church, or in any phase of human life, whoever wishes to seem what he is not is a hypocrite. For he pretends, but does not show himself, to be a righteous man; because he places the whole fruit [of his acting] in the praise of men, which even pretenders may receive, while they deceive those to whom they seem good, and are praised by them. But such do not receive a reward from God the Searcher of the heart, unless it be the punishment of their deceit: from men, however, says He, “They have received their reward;” and most righteously will it be said to them, Depart from me, ye workers of deceit; ye had my name, but ye did not my works. Hence they have received their reward, who do their alms for no other reason than that they may have glory of men; not if they have glory of men, but if they do them for the express purpose of having this glory, as has been discussed above. For the praise of men ought not to be sought by him who acts rightly, but ought to follow him who acts rightly, so that they may profit who can also imitate what they praise, not that he whom they praise may think that they are profiting him anything.”

Justice. It is a God thing™.

28 Comments

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  1. 3
    jd

    Terry Bowden layed out the whole pay for play scheme going on at Auburn. Nothing new except the mounting piles of additional evidence.

  2. 4
    FinebaumJunkie

    Yep. Just like you are going to find out its going on at a lot of places. I told you that months ago. Keep watching.

  3. 5
    capstonereport

    Trash is the person who claims God favors his football team over other football teams because they kept the faith.

    As for this happening lots of places. Yawn. Sure it does. Everyone knows that recruiting is an open sewer. The difference is one of volume. The volume of cheating has been and appears to be much higher at Auburn than other SEC schools…and we know SEC schools cheat more than anyone outside of the old SWC.

  4. 6
    BamaBrando

    Auburn is the team that just keeps on showing up in the news, over and over again, with allegation after allegation. Aren’t you Auburn people tired of coming up with excuse after excuse? When are you guys going to start questioning what has been going on? It has to be wearing on you guys. Y’all have been trolling every Bama site trying to put out the flames, but smoke just keeps coming from somewhere else once you think it is about out. Watching you guys grasp at anything and the continuous blind faith in Auburn is funny. And the ones that are starting to realize something is going on, they have the REC to blame, or ‘everyone else is doing it too’ excuse. The fall of Auburn is going to be awesome to watch.

  5. 7
    FinebaumJunkie

    The only site I “troll” is this one and brooks site. As for that fall, you better grab hold of something yourself. And Alan, when was that ever said? It wasnt was it? Taking comments out of context is so the norm in todays media. I heard him saying the faith of the players helped them. The God thing was a statement that has been blown up on here over and over again. I know God doesnt favor one school over another. And you can yawn all you want. IM TELLING YOU THIS IS GONNA GET DOWNRIGHT SHITTY FOR MANY.

  6. 10
    FinebaumJunkie

    I will break it down for you retards and the 2 of you who actually have sense…I’ll let you fight over which 2 that is. Ok, what I’m saying is that while you call it an excuse, are you going to sit there and tell me that Auburn is the only place shit happens? You must be a bunch of dumbasses. If Auburn falls, a boatload of programs are going down also. Take it or leave it, but when it happens, remember me.

  7. 11
    hsvtider

    lol…Still with the excuses man…”Everybody is doing it” and “everbody is going down to”….You are 2 funny man. So the NCAA is going to stop their ONGOING investigation into Auburn to expand this into “cleaning up the SEC”? NO! If you havent noticed the only pay 4 play allegations are coming out of Lee County! You really need to get a grip and wake up. I feel really sorry for you, cause when all this comes down I shudder to think what some of you guys might do to each other! It will however be so fun to watch!!!! LMFAO

  8. 15
    Rc

    Nobody is going down with Auburn. Get over it, you’re about to be fried, FinebaumJunkie. You and the rest of your Aubuhn “fambly” are hypocritical scum. The NCAA is not working on “reforming” the system you moron, and I never once heard “everyone is doing it” from the Auburn trash when Alabama was being investigated by the NCAA. Typical Auburn. Preach Christianity then look the other way when your own is doing wrong with this “everyone else is doing it” crap.

  9. 16
    FinebaumJunkie

    I dont preach it, I just am educated enough to know what a statement is and when it’s used out of context. The excuse thing has run its course with me, and if none of you idiots dont see whats going on, I feel sorry for you.

  10. 17
    ATLANTAROLL

    FINEBAUMMONKEYIMEANJUNKIE:f YOU!!!!
    You f***ing live here dillweed.The word Troll i.d.’s your happy ass in Webster’s D !
    Yet your here like all the time so dummy up !

  11. 18
    FinebaumJunkie

    Maybe you need to go back and look at my statement where I said I troll here and Brooks site. So before you start on something you know nothing about, think before you type. And F you too Mr.4th in the west. And as I write this post, I look over to my right side of my screen where it says recent posts, out of 10 of them, 8 are Auburn related. I dont have to come here you are right about that, but if I didnt, you jackasses would be just standing around stroking each others hair. Jealousy is a bitch aint it?

  12. 19
    BamaBrando

    At least you admit you are a troll. What a sad existence you have. You are no better than Idiot Vol that lives here. And once again, we enjoy pointing and laughing at the crap Auburn has gotten themselves in to. It makes for a fun off-season. And with the coming season, The Golden Age of Auburn football will over, as quick as Cam came and left y’all. Get used to it.

  13. 20
    FinebaumJunkie

    OK, so move your ass over, fellow troll, and let me take a seat. lmao…. Your laughing doesnt bother me. The BCS Championship trophy keeps me to busy to care what you do. It’s all good Brandy, I STILL like you. But don’t you ever lump my name in with that trash IndyVol. I do have a little class lmao.

  14. 22
    Nicket the Ewok Coach

    BamaBrando, LOSER 28-27 in your little pimply face.

    Feel sorry for us. We got the crystal this year. I feel sorry for you because this site runs by trashing other teams, especially an AU team that smashed your little “dynasty team”. Is the new Saban statue gonna have him waving to all the AU fans at the BCS title game? Pathetic, a BCS voyeur.

  15. 25
    bamagirl10

    16.FinebaumJunkie Says:
    March 31st, 2011 at 11:35 am
    I dont preach it, I just am educated enough to know what a statement is and when it’s used out of context. The excuse thing has run its course with me, and if none of you idiots dont see whats going on, I feel sorry for you.

    @ FinebaumJunkie:

    We see what’s going on. It’s your dumbass that don’t.

  16. 26
    BamaBrando

    FBJ: There is no conspiracy. Take off your tin-foil hat, and get into the real world. Auburn has brought this on themselves. You are a fool to think otherwise.

  17. 27
    BamaBrando

    And to be a troll, I would have to go to Auburn blogs and point and laugh, and try to stir the pot. Which I never have and never will. This is a Bama site. I am a Bama fan. I just give you Auburn and UT trolls what you are here for. But too bad getting slapped around with FACTS and reality checks doesn’t stick to you guys.

    Nicket, you can live off of that 28-27 win all that its short-lived value can offer. When your team looks like the most corrupt college team since SMU, you get what you pay for. So, you be proud of that recognition and attention. You finally got it for once. But even when you guys win, somehow y’all still look like a bunch of losers.

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