Auburn: How Would Jesus Cheat?

Thanks to the Holiest Village on the Plains, we now know how God cheats because if Auburn’s wins were a God thing™, then this longstanding tradition of cheating must be too! We should meditate on the lessons Auburn has taught us:

Today’s reading is from the Book of Aubie: “Yea though the energy vampires assail thee, fear not if you keep it down home cuz. Woe to him that does not keep it down home cuz: for the loudmouth has no part in the family. He should be accursed.”

Today’s homily is on how the faithful should respond when attacked by outsiders. You know them—the people who are not in “The Family,” or those who do not understand that It is a God thing™. As Gene taught us, God will reward those who have faith in Auburn and punish those who have faith in other gods like Clemson or Alabama Crimson Tide coach Nick Saban—the evil one. The Family should have faith that God will smite our enemies.

But we should leave nothing to chance. God helps those who help themselves, so let us smite those who hurt the family. Let us together smear the HBO Four! Let us allege that others cheated more or paid these men to lie on television. If we are in for a penny, in for a pound, then our protestations of innocence should be the louder.

As was taught to us in the encyclical Circumvenio, the best way to cheat is the way Jesus would cheat. Jesus would cheat with the Rhythm Method. You cheat a little on Big Cat Weekend and have your friends in the media like the Auburn site on the Rivals network try to cover it up for you, and if that doesn’t work you skip cheating for a few weeks, or at least try not to do it in front of the cameras.

Remember: It is not a sin if Cam doesn’t know.

One final note. In all seriousness that should give pause to all fans and preachers alike. From St. Augustine: Do not, says He, desire to become known in the same way as the hypocrites. Now it is manifest that hypocrites have not that in their heart also which they hold forth before the eyes of men. For hypocrites are pretenders, as it were setters forth of other characters, just as in the plays of the theatre. For he who acts the part of Agamemnon in tragedy, for example, or of any other person belonging to the history or legend which is acted, is not really the person himself, but personates him, and is called a hypocrite. In like manner, in the Church, or in any phase of human life, whoever wishes to seem what he is not is a hypocrite. For he pretends, but does not show himself, to be a righteous man; because he places the whole fruit [of his acting] in the praise of men, which even pretenders may receive, while they deceive those to whom they seem good, and are praised by them. But such do not receive a reward from God the Searcher of the heart, unless it be the punishment of their deceit: from men, however, says He, “They have received their reward;” and most righteously will it be said to them, Depart from me, ye workers of deceit; ye had my name, but ye did not my works. Hence they have received their reward, who do their alms for no other reason than that they may have glory of men; not if they have glory of men, but if they do them for the express purpose of having this glory, as has been discussed above. For the praise of men ought not to be sought by him who acts rightly, but ought to follow him who acts rightly, so that they may profit who can also imitate what they praise, not that he whom they praise may think that they are profiting him anything.”

Justice. It is a God thing™.