UAB, please give up sports

When I was in the 5th grade I went camping with a group of friends and our dads. The dads stayed in one tent while the kids were in another.

Everyone got along with each other just great, except for Shane. No, not the Shane from the Finebaum Show (who incidentally hasn’t been associated with this site in well over a year).

Shane was a kid who just looked for attention, even if it was negative attention. Shane would intentionally irritate the crap out of you just so you’d react to him and give him the attention he so desperately wanted. If you’re a classic wrestling fan, think Jimmy Hart. Or Andy Kaufman.

One night Shane had finally pushed the wrong button, and after the dads had gone to sleep our big tent transformed into an octagon (long before cage fighting existed). Seemingly, to his delight, there was a boy named Lee who had had enough.

What followed was painful to watch. For what seemed like hours (though it was likely only minutes), I sat and watched Shane get slapped around. Shane never touched Lee with his pathetic strikes. Lee just calmly dodged whatever Shane did and counter punched. And to add insult to injury, Lee’s weapon of choice was the open hand slap. We were all confident this was to prove a point. After all, Shane didn’t deserve a fist. Lee wasn’t angry, he just went about the business of finally putting Shane in his place until Shane’s cheeks were as blood red as a ketchup bottle.

And yet Shane kept getting up and coming back at him. Time and again after getting open hand slapped to his knees, he kept coming back at Lee. I’m telling you, it was painful to watch. The rest of us finally began pleading with Shane to just stop. Pleading turned to begging, until Lee actually started feeling bad for Shane and gave up. I don’t think any of us really enjoyed seeing it.

But in the end, there was Shane, defiantly claiming he was the victor because Lee had stopped the fight. Had the fight been scored, the score card would have read: Lee – 154, Shane – 0. And yet, Shane vigorously campaigned for himself that he had won.

UAB, you are Shane.

You are pathetic on so many levels it’s hard to find the words to break it to you in a way you can accept. Though reality continually slaps you in the face year after year, you keep coming back.

I am begging you…we all are begging you…please give up sports.

Your work in research is second to none. Pick any area of medicine and on any given day on Birmingham’s Southside there are half a dozen specialists who anyone could trust with their life. As a medical school, you are well-respected around the nation.

But as a sports enthusiast, seeing you take the field or court of play year-after-year has become more than any of us can handle. I bet even your 300 avid basketball fans feel the same way.

Thursday the Blazers completed their season in the way they always do: choking in the Conference USA tournament. Just a few days earlier UAB found themselves cutting down the nets in Bartow Arena, the victors of their first regular season championship in 20 years.

So what do they do as an encore? Stumble against the very team they had throttled by 18 just five days earlier.

I admit I join the masses in not paying that much attention to UAB basketball…in fact, I’m joyful in the fact that I probably know more about Irish Folk Dancing or masonry. But I’m told this is a common theme with the Blazers.

I recently had a UAB fan actually tell me that Alabama almost tying with Florida for the regular season SEC crown was nothing compared to UAB winning the C-USA title. He may be right. Because when you think college basketball, you think Rice. Or UTEP. Or ECU. And don’t forget UCF or SMU.

No, maybe the SEC isn’t strong this year, but even our cellar dweller (LSU) has seen the inside of the Final Four before. And check the dance card Sunday night to see how many teams from the SEC make it in. C-USA won’t get more than one team in, and with your choke job yesterday, UAB, that team ain’t you.

And then there’s football. Gosh almighty, there’s football. Where you have to tarp entire sections of the stadium you play in because it’s a conceded fact that butts will never find their way to those seats. Tape $20’s underneath the bleachers, and what’s left under unoccupied seats would be a hefty down payment toward the dome stadium so many in Birmingham want you to have.

And then there’s baseball. While you field a decent team on occasion, your stadium has a seating capacity rivaling a pair of city transit buses, and the only way you’ll ever see Omaha is through the window of an Amtrak passenger car.

You cry, you plead and you whine that Alabama won’t play you in basketball or football. You point to the lone competition coming in the early 90’s when Alabama’s roundball version of Doug Barfield (David Hobbs) led the most uninspired team in history onto the then Memorial Coliseum court. While that NIT win was a benchmark for your program, and many of your fans’ justification for existence, many Alabama fans don’t remember the game even happening.

Why? Not completely sure, but I think I know. It’s because beyond that one NCAA game when Squeaky McGleaky or whoever he was made that cool behind the head pass to that guy for the dunk or lay in or something or other, UAB anything is just downright forgettable.

So please, UAB. Give up sports. In an economy that is hurting so badly, donate your resources to local charities who could use the money. We are pleading, no, begging you. Accept the slaps of reality and just stop. Just stop.

(Follow me on Twitter for capstonereport.com news, commentary and smack.)

48 Comments

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  1. 5
    Indiana Vol

    What is pathetic on so many levels is that Bammer has refused to play UAB in football when every other SEC school haas. What’s wrong Bammer; afraid of LOSING??

    Until Bammer plays UAB a couple of times, ITK and the other Bammer Morons have no roomm to judge UAB!

  2. 8
    BamaBrando

    What is pathetic is a loser UT fan coming on a Bama site rooting for Auburn and UAB because UT can’t compete with Bama anymore. I would rather play Penn St., Michigan, Clemson or somebody like that than to play UAB anyways. UAB has more to gain by playing Bama. Bama has nothing to gain by playing UAB. Does UT play UT Chattanooga, stupid Vol?

  3. 11
    Adisoc

    This site is garbage. The Tide won’t schedule UAB and you have the balls to mock UAB who has a top 30 RPI and who won the 8th best conference in the nation this year? Anybody who knows hoops knows UAB has the best hoops program in Alabama.

    Deal with that. And grow up.

  4. 12
    Brewsky

    This sites been around since 2006 and you have 32 members in your forum? Maybe its time you gave up blogging.

  5. 13
    Crimsonite

    Maybe Brewsky should go back to whatever $hithole you climbed out of and maybe you should delete capstonereport.com from your favorites list you perverted dickhead. Vol you flaming cocksucker, when’s the last time you criminal ba$tards played UT Chattanooga Phag breath? And UAB on their best day has never been the best hoops program in Alabama. Alabama is the second best hoops program in SEC history in terms of number of NCAA appearances, SEC Championships and overall winning record. So go back to fertilizing your little sitters, $hit for brains. RTR!

  6. 16
    ITK

    Brewsky, the forum is a seldom used part of the site. Sorry I burned your lil britches, but thanks for stopping in.

  7. 18
    Pluto

    No – hell no. I’m not going to give up on UAB. This Metro matters first with me. I have no answers. It is not going to change until Birmingham is freed from Tuscaloosa.

  8. 19
    Bamafan

    Hey indy Vile, does 41-10 ring a bell? I attended that game last fall in Obknoxiousville in the WORST stadium in the SEC. Your stadium is literally falling apart, kind like your football and basketball programs. BTW, The U of A currently has a 4 game winning streak over the Viles. Look for UA to extend that to a record 12 in a row in a few years, beating our old record of 11 in a row from the early ’70’s to early ’80’s.

    And W$camE, how about those 4 model citizens getting arrested yesterday? I thought the Auburn PD was “All In” and checked with Troopa before arresting aubie players. Guess not. BTW, enjoy that tainted NC trophy now before it’s taken away in a couple of years.

  9. 21
    BamaBrando

    Idiot Vol, does UT Knoxville play UT Chattanooga? You forgot to answer that one for me. I think you are afraid to answer the question. Don’t worry, we already know you are an idiot.

  10. 22
    Indiana Vol

    Bammerbrenda,

    There is a slight difference, UTC is NOT division 1 in football nor BB. UAB is Div 1 in both; DUMBASS!!

    TN did play UT-Martin this past season in FB, so quit your bitching and accept the fact that Bammer is SCARED of UAB!

  11. 23
    BamaBrando

    Idiot Vol, it doesn’t matter what division the are in. Is UT Martin division one? Alabama has nothing to gain by playing UAB. UAB has everything to gain by playing Bama. UAB football costs more money than it is worth. Let UAB fill the stands and make a name for themselves. Bama is BOT obligated in any way to have to generate money for UAB football, and shouldn’t have to. No one is scared of UAB. It would be a waste of scheduling for them to play.

    You should be worried about UT and how much trouble they will be in in football and basketball, and quit worrying so much about Bama. They will still kick the crap out of UT in football, and all you can do about it is come here and cry about it.

  12. 25
    BamaBrando

    Idiot Vol: If thats all you can say about Bama, compared to the woes of the Vols, we are in excellent shape compared to you guys. Who really cares if Bama plays UAB or not? It is really a non-issue. But hey, you get to look forward to another beatdown of UTK by Bama this year, and we get to look forward to more crying about all things Bama by Idiot Vol. At least you can root for Auburn again this season, even though they won’t be much better than UTK. I guess you will have to root for Florida then.

  13. 28
    smaug

    All those out-of-conference losses to bad teams didn’t have anything to do with it?

    Damn pinko commies.

  14. 29
    BeSerious

    Why in the hell do you care if UAB has sports or not?? You just wasted a ton of time spewing a rant about UAB and why?? Just because you’re a jerk. UAB can have sports if they want to, and you don’t have to watch or comment. It’s not YOUR “job” to tell UAB what they can and can’t have. So get over yourself and try writing about your own freaking athetics program, instead of obsessing about Auburn or UAB.

    The fact that UAB IS in the tournament and UAT is NOT is just one more indication that you’re a tool.

  15. 31
    Sally

    Wow, I didn’t think the animosity was this bad. This Crapstone article has just about everything we hate about bammers – made up history, false elitism, entitlement, stupidity, and lunacy.UAB actually has some integrity, no one from UAB should associate themselves with the Idiots from West Vance.

  16. 32
    Crimsonite

    The fact that Bama is a #1 seed in the oldest BB tournament in history, and that UAB is gonna have their a$$es handed to them in the first game of the NCAA’s, I suppose doesn’t hold any water with you, huh a$$hole? The final 4 of any given NIT would kick the $hit out of at least half the teams in the NCAA’s, and sometimes could make it to the Sweet 16 if not the Elite 8. And that’s a fact! It’s a communist plot that teams are awarded spots in the NCAA’s based on RPI and SOS, which hasn’t got a Goddamn thing to do with how good a team on the bubble actually is. Not to mention automatic qualifiers from phucking Junior College conference tournaments. By the way Idiot Vol, what was the Bama basketball score in Putzville this year? RTR!

  17. 34
    C Hammah

    dang all my new enemies are redeeming themselves at least partly ….boise st coaches comments…the heat’s dwade’s comment s – sincere comments on fatherhood

  18. 36
    law74

    UAB made it to the elite eight almost 20 years before Bama. Maybe Bama should give up its basketball program. It was the third team in the state to make it that far in the NCAA tournament. UAB made it to the tourney and Bama didn’t-jealous. AU wins the NC and comes back from 24 down to beat bama on its own field. Bama’s second in everything.

  19. 37
    BamaBrando

    Maybe if UAB could fill the stands for a football game, the football program could be justified. Maybe UAB needs to just drop football. And law74, Auburn has won the NC 1 and a half times, and been on probation more than any other team in the SEC. Please. No one is jealous of Auburn. We just can’t stand ignorant Auburn fans that think that Auburn has accomplished the same things Bama has. Auburn math is so confusing.

  20. 39
    Crimsonite

    Maybe UAB should give up basketball too after being slaughtered by a middle of the pack ACC team last night! What goes around comes around. They just got the tournaments reversed for Bama and UAB. Lot’s of phucking teams have gone farther in the NCAA’s than Bama – a$$hole. Is that UAB’s claim to fame, having made it to the Elite 8 before Bama? Guess they are one of those moral victory schools too! Bama was winning SEC Championships before UAB even existed dumba$$. I guess UAB is better than 98% of the other basketball schools in the country too, since none of them has even made it to the Elite 8 much less Final 4. All you second rate tards need to find something constructive to do with your lives. You can’t win coming on a Bama board and running your mouthes about your phucking schools accomplishments because the simple fact is that none of you are fans of a school that can stack up against Bama year in and year out! You’re all hopeless idiots! RTR!

  21. 41
    BamaBrando

    You can’t spell frAUd without AU. And where is Auburns basketball team at again? At least the future for Bamas football and basketball is looking really bright. Just look at where Auburns future is leading them. NCAA investigations, armed-robbery, and losing seasons in basketball. At least you having swimming to look forward too.

  22. 43
    Crimsonite

    Naw, the gumps are that little redneck college in B’ham who thinks it’s a real university just because it has a hospital. Truth is I started my college education there and really don’t have anything against them. It’s the a$$hole fans there that piss me off, and Bartow who started the basketball war with Bama with his false accusations and having no respect for the fact that UAB is part of the UA system – not the other way around!

  23. 44
    FinebaumJunkie

    I feel sorry for UAB. In football mainly, because if I have been offered free tickets to the games once I have been offered a hundred times. Now before you say I’m part of the problem for the stands at Legion Field to be as bare as a Japanese parking lot, it’s just not my cup of tea. I have no ill will for the Blazers and I do hope they resemble a football team one day. It’s the players I feel for, having to play in a dungeon in a city where very few give a damn about the program.

  24. 45
    BamaBrando

    Where does the money for the UAB football program come from when they can’t generate the money to sustain it on their own?

  25. 48
    Donald Campbell

    How bout that UAB rugby? With 2-1 record so far in the first season with a 2nd place finish in the Dixie Classic, I think UAB can still be a school with good athletes. Then there’s basketball and volleyball and this year the soccer teams are looking fantastic.

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