A crisis in the SEC that demands action!

Dear SEC fans,
There is one thing we all agree on—September is hot and humid in the south. SEC games are often miserable affairs made bearable by sufficient hydration. Sure, some of our fans prefer libations to hydration, but hours and hours of tailgating makes for a fun experience.

However, one evil looms over the south. It threatens everyone’s enjoyment of football.

It isn’t the getting home at 1 a.m. after sitting in traffic for hours at a night game, or the tipsy fans who populate a stadium after drinking for 8 hours. No, those are inconveniences. Maybe even slightly charming elements of the experience.

The evil comes in the form of those who wear deodorant and not antiperspirant & deodorant. I don’t own stock in Colgate-Palmolive, but I highly recommend Unscented Speed Stick by Mennen for those attending hot football games.

Why is this a big issue?

I’m glad you asked.

On the bus ride to our car after the game, a very nice Alabama fan was forced to stand. He had to raise his arm and hold the rail along the roof of the bus. Unfortunately, his armpit pointed toward me and the pretty girl I took to the game.

The odor was overpowering.

She whispered forcefully into my ear, “This is worse than Paris!”

I couldn’t respond as I buried my face in her hair to smell something like flowers. In time, even that remedy for the smell would not work. Like the BO on Seinfeld, this thing was alive and penetrating.

There is only one way to kill it—get it before it starts.

Forget deodorant. Those things just don’t work. Antiperspirant and deodorant is the only choice for SEC football.

I appeal to Mike Slive to mandate this for those attending SEC games.

Please.

I don’t want Tuscaloosa smelling like Paris ever again.

28 Comments

Add Yours
  1. 1
    BPI

    Cap. You should know that there is not a deodorant / anti perspirant currently produced that can phase a stinking bammers pits.

    Something else to tell your brethren about is bathing. You know ….soap…..water…..rinse and repeat. Bathing helps stinking pits , but is not the total cure. Its a combination of bathing (with soap and shampoo) deodorant, and BRUSHING YOUR TEETH err…TOOTH. yes , tooth for you bammers (with toothpaste).

    You see bammers . Its called hygene. Check into it. I know that most of you have no running water, but hey, you can always ride the mule to the big cities Piggly Wiggly and use the hosepipe out back. Just do it at night as not to rile up the locals. Toothless bammers running around the Piggly Wiggly parking lot buck naked will earn you a night in the pokey.

  2. 2
    Denny Chimes

    The day you barners learn how to use toilet paper to wipe instead of throwing it up in trees is the day you can lecture us on hygiene.

  3. 3
    mandy

    ? Do any of you fools work? You idiots need jobs to occupy your minds. You fools write the silliest shite Ive ever read. War Eagle Go Tigers

  4. 6
    BPI

    Yeah…..Irish Spring and Crest get your attention …..Like I said. Hygene.

    Mandy is the C.E.O of a Forbes 500 Corporation. I gues you didnt get the memo.

  5. 7
    ITK

    BPI, you can’t spell hygiene but you know about it? Interesting. You were so convinced it was spelled “hygene” you offered it to us that way not once but twice.

    Thank you for posting this, Cappy. We’ve all been around “that guy” at one point or the other, and wonder how he doesn’t smell it himself. Maybe he does. Maybe he likes it. Disgusting…

  6. 8
    BPI

    Heck yes you have been around “that guy” every Saturday at Bryant Denny. Make that 100,000 of “those guys”……Bammers stink. Your own people freely admit to it. Derek Dooly can come down from UT and give some classes if you guys ask really nice.

    ITK , he may even let you lather up his nads…….BWAHAAAAAHHAHAHHAH !!!!!!!

  7. 9
    BPI

    Sorry man…..I could not help myself…..It was too easy……

    My spelling and grammar have little to be desired.

    But on a serious note. I thought we were going to have a pick em. What happened man ?

    Care to predict any scores this week. In particular, AU vs. Clemson ? Last week didnt really turn out to good for you , did it ? But, I am just as guilty….I dont think I can pick Bama to win any game. I wouold have picked SJS if we had a pick em .

  8. 10
    Crimsonite

    Had your nose up Mandy’s rectum lately have you BP? CEO of a fortune 500 corp.? CEO of a 3 cow farm maybe! Do they even have water in Lee County? I know they have to pipe in sunshine. Bwaa Haww Haww! Hey, ya’ll miss Lattimore yet? RTR!

  9. 11
    Crimsonite

    Ok. I pick Auburn to get their arses waxed. I pick Bama to wax Dukes arse. That’s my pickem. Don’t know which would be worse in a closed up bus. sour underarms or the brown skidmarks in a Barners underwear or worse without underwear. Bwaa Haww Haww!

  10. 12
    Alex Hamilton

    Your mistake was taking the bus like Gene Hallman & Dr. Witt wanted you to do. If you don’t have the nuts to know UA’s campus and park on your own, don’t bitch about smelling the other sheep.

    I don’t need to give Hallman $2,000,000 per year to find a Goddamn parking spot. I park for free and get out of town in less than 20 minutes. How, you ask?????? Because I went to school there and I know of more than McFarland Blvd, Univ. Blvd. and 20/59, muthafuka.

    Please people. Wake up. Gene Hallman is fleecing the University and paying to park and ride a bus is for pussies.

  11. 13
    Alex Hamilton

    Oh yeah. Two more things. I park on campus. And the only way that Mandy would get the money to front a Fortune 500 ( yes, “Fortune 500” not “Forbes 500” dumbass) company is if she were able to be knocked up by T. Boone Pickens during his drunken, coke fueled slum session with toothless redneck Hustler rejects.

  12. 14
    BPI

    Alex….You wreak of class and dignity. there is only one word for a P.O.S. like you : Lawyer.

    You have to be a lawyer.

    Are you ?

  13. 16
    capstonereport

    There is a large amount of anger over Hallman’s handling of gameday traffic and parking. The Penn State folks I rode with on the bus were very critical of the expense of parking in Tuscaloosa compared to their experience at State College where 300 acres of parking is available.

  14. 17
    BPI

    I imagine they were. Crammed into a shuttle bus with dozens of stinking bammers is enough for anyone to be critical. Add that to “classy” bammers like Alex in the stadium, and there you have it.

  15. 18
    Crimsonite

    Bullcrap Cap. You just print anything without checking it out huh? I ran across Penn State gameday info for the Youngstown game and their just raised their parking to $30 and $40. What PSU fans told you that BS? Anyway, everything costs nowdays. In ’79 a ticket to the Sugar Bowl National Championship game was $15 and parking at BDS was free. What’s a ticket to the BCSNCG cost now? Minimum $500? So $20 to park at BDS ‘aint s–t! Bi–h! Bi–h! Bi–h!

  16. 20
    Alex Hamilton

    Whatever Cromosite. A lot of us dislike Witt and unless you drink champagne in his tent, odds are you don’t like Hallman. I call it like I see it. I’m sure that might cause your man thong to get in a bunch, but no one in here thinks you bring anything to the table. You’re a lot of fluff and nonsense. You can go fornicate yourself. Or more to the point, I will leave you and the BPI alone so you lovebirds can keep on swapping spit or take a long shower together.

    And BPI, you wouldn’t know class, or a dictionary, if it hit you in the face. Phuck you and phuck Auburn. Enjoy that ass kicking you’ll get from Kevin Steele and Dabo Sweeney this weekend.

  17. 22
    julio

    and judging by his moniker, a card carrying member of the Federalist Society and sworn enemy of Thomas Jefferson. Maybe alex and crimsonite (EG) can have a duel just like his hero did with Aaron Burr. Something tells me the “alex’s” would be 0-2 if that were to happen.

  18. 23
    BamaBrando

    What’s funny is Barners talk about stinking, but the rotten mouth tobacco chewing Auburn fans reek of nothing but cowsh!t, booze, and burnt motor oil. The only time I have ever been to Auburn, the big loudmouth Auburn fan behind us cleared out the space in front with his halitosis. And he was spitting his tobacco juice freely all around where he was sitting. Pretty good show of class by a proud Auburn fan. So, because of that, all Auburn fans stink.

  19. 26
    BPI

    Crimsonite would destroy Alexis. Alexis has never caught passes from the Snake. Nor, has Alexis made contributions to society like E.G.s toilet paper and a Tide box on a stick. E.G. is also an international traveler, and he IS actually the guy in the dos Equis’ commercials.

    now, lets look at Alexis’ accomplishment……..He is a smartass lawyer…….That is pretty much it.

    E.G. would smoke him.

  20. 28
    BamaBrando

    Julia, That was probably you spittin tobacco juice everywhere. Dude, next time bring some mints or something, at least brush your tooth before coming to the game.

Comments are closed.