A crisis in the SEC that demands action!

Dear SEC fans,
There is one thing we all agree on—September is hot and humid in the south. SEC games are often miserable affairs made bearable by sufficient hydration. Sure, some of our fans prefer libations to hydration, but hours and hours of tailgating makes for a fun experience.

However, one evil looms over the south. It threatens everyone’s enjoyment of football.

It isn’t the getting home at 1 a.m. after sitting in traffic for hours at a night game, or the tipsy fans who populate a stadium after drinking for 8 hours. No, those are inconveniences. Maybe even slightly charming elements of the experience.

The evil comes in the form of those who wear deodorant and not antiperspirant & deodorant. I don’t own stock in Colgate-Palmolive, but I highly recommend Unscented Speed Stick by Mennen for those attending hot football games.

Why is this a big issue?

I’m glad you asked.

On the bus ride to our car after the game, a very nice Alabama fan was forced to stand. He had to raise his arm and hold the rail along the roof of the bus. Unfortunately, his armpit pointed toward me and the pretty girl I took to the game.

The odor was overpowering.

She whispered forcefully into my ear, “This is worse than Paris!”

I couldn’t respond as I buried my face in her hair to smell something like flowers. In time, even that remedy for the smell would not work. Like the BO on Seinfeld, this thing was alive and penetrating.

There is only one way to kill it—get it before it starts.

Forget deodorant. Those things just don’t work. Antiperspirant and deodorant is the only choice for SEC football.

I appeal to Mike Slive to mandate this for those attending SEC games.

Please.

I don’t want Tuscaloosa smelling like Paris ever again.