Jeff Foxworthy speaks about UAB

Jeff Foxworthy

Okay…not really.  But if he did, in true, old fashion Jeff Foxworthy form, this is what he might say:

“If your football team owns one lonely win over Southern Miss, a team that Bama (in one of its worst seasons in history)  once attempted only five passes against in a comfortable two-touchdown victory…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

“If your entire argument of superiority over big brother stems from one N.I.T. game when milktoast David Hobbs was the coach…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

“If your ‘dream basketball season’ includes the letters N.I.T….you might have a sucky athletic program.”

“If Legion Field can draw a larger crowd for a another fledgling B’ham semi-pro team tryout than a UAB home game…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

“If you have to put GIGANTIC tarps over both sets of end zone seats to make your home stadium feel ‘less empty’…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

“If your big brother puts more butts in the seats for a spring scrimmage than your school will lure in an entire season…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

“If you feel compelled to call the reigning BCS National Champion ‘UAT’ because it’s basically the only tool in your bag…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

“If UNC comes to town and you still can’t sell out your basketball arena…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

“If you lose to Memphis…again…and again…and again…and again…and again…you might have have a sucky athletic program.”

“If beating big brother in baseball is the pinnacle of your existence…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

“If your basketball team once packed a much larger BJCC but now you can buy tickets at game time at Bartow for $5…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

“If you can go to a B’ham area Academy Sporting Goods and not be able to find any UAB apparel (true story)…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

“If you personally have a better chance of bumping into Erin Andrews in your living room than your school does making it to its conference championship…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

“If  traveling to Hawaii for your lone bowl appearance in 2004 blew your entire football budget for the next three seasons…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

“If you own zero bowl wins…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

“If Neil Calloway is your football coach…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

“If your program could be supported by concessions sales from just one of Bama’s four upper decks…from the Georgia State game crowd…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

“If your baseball stadium seats less than 100 people…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

“If your football team’s ‘football complex’ looks like a section 8 housing facility…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

“If on your school’s ‘fan day’ the players out number the fans 3 to 1…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

“If on ‘UAB hat giveaway night’ (true story, against UTEP) there are literally boxes and boxes and boxes of hats left over…you might have a sucky athletic program.”