Jeff Foxworthy speaks about UAB

Jeff Foxworthy

Okay…not really.  But if he did, in true, old fashion Jeff Foxworthy form, this is what he might say:

“If your football team owns one lonely win over Southern Miss, a team that Bama (in one of its worst seasons in history)  once attempted only five passes against in a comfortable two-touchdown victory…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

“If your entire argument of superiority over big brother stems from one N.I.T. game when milktoast David Hobbs was the coach…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

“If your ‘dream basketball season’ includes the letters N.I.T….you might have a sucky athletic program.”

“If Legion Field can draw a larger crowd for a another fledgling B’ham semi-pro team tryout than a UAB home game…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

“If you have to put GIGANTIC tarps over both sets of end zone seats to make your home stadium feel ‘less empty’…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

“If your big brother puts more butts in the seats for a spring scrimmage than your school will lure in an entire season…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

“If you feel compelled to call the reigning BCS National Champion ‘UAT’ because it’s basically the only tool in your bag…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

“If UNC comes to town and you still can’t sell out your basketball arena…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

“If you lose to Memphis…again…and again…and again…and again…and again…you might have have a sucky athletic program.”

“If beating big brother in baseball is the pinnacle of your existence…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

“If your basketball team once packed a much larger BJCC but now you can buy tickets at game time at Bartow for $5…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

“If you can go to a B’ham area Academy Sporting Goods and not be able to find any UAB apparel (true story)…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

“If you personally have a better chance of bumping into Erin Andrews in your living room than your school does making it to its conference championship…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

“If  traveling to Hawaii for your lone bowl appearance in 2004 blew your entire football budget for the next three seasons…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

“If you own zero bowl wins…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

“If Neil Calloway is your football coach…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

“If your program could be supported by concessions sales from just one of Bama’s four upper decks…from the Georgia State game crowd…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

“If your baseball stadium seats less than 100 people…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

“If your football team’s ‘football complex’ looks like a section 8 housing facility…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

“If on your school’s ‘fan day’ the players out number the fans 3 to 1…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

“If on ‘UAB hat giveaway night’ (true story, against UTEP) there are literally boxes and boxes and boxes of hats left over…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

22 Comments

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  1. 1
    Finebammer

    For the life of me, I don’t understand why we play them in any sport.

    I’ve said for years there are no friends of the university in that athletic dept. We don’t play them in football and basketball but play them in other sports. Makes zero sense.

    Every year we don’t play the parasites in football, we win. We’re undefeated v. the ticks. In basketball, we’ve lost one game in 30 something years. 30 – 1. Pretty damn good record in my book.

    In 1947, auburn was literally robbing Coke machines to fund their football program. They HAD to have a game with us for the money. Opponents on our side at the time knew what this meant. In the years since, our money has built their program. When we play them in any sport we make the argument to play them in all sports. When their players step on the field with ours, the final score matters not. By just being on the same field with us, they’ve won.

    We’ve already built one satellite. Isn’t that enough?

  2. 2
    julio

    If your football team owns one lonely win over Southern Miss, a team that Bama once lost to by a razor thin margin of 21-0, you might have a…wait, on second thought that Southern Miss analogy wasn’t such a good idea.

  3. 5
    Bamafan

    ITK, isn’t it funny how julia and the API tigger are obsessed with THE University of Alabama? Keep it up guys, I’m sure Cap appreciates the hits.

  4. 7
    Crimsonite from the planet Crimson in a galaxy far far away. FormerlyE.G. White

    Yeah Julia, dumbass. Everybody loses to a regular rival eventually. Wanna check our all time record against USM. We’ve had many games against USM that were closer than they should have been. Why? Because we are Alabama and playing us made their season and beating us made their decade. While to us they were just another outclassed schedule filler. That’s why it doesn’t pay to play teams like UAB, South Florida, Houston, BYU or Boise State. Of course you understand that perfectly and I should have added Abarn to the list since you only play football to beat Alabama. Dumbass. RTR!

  5. 8
    capstonereport

    Good stuff ITK. This one was very true: “If Legion Field can draw a larger crowd for a another fledgling B’ham semi-pro team tryout than a UAB home game…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

    High school football games drew larger crowds to Legion Field than UAB. I suspect band competitions did too.

  6. 9
    intheknow72

    Bamafan, Julia just represents the majority of Abarn fans everywhere, Aubsessed with all things Alabama. He eats, breathes, sleeps, pleasures himself to and memorizes all things Alabama. Furthermore, Julia abandoned the truth years ago. It’s more fun for him that way.

    On cue, Julia omitted that Southern Miss’s only wins in the last 30 years came in ’82, ’90 (w/ Brett Favre) and 2000 in Dubose’s meltdown season. But then again, those aren’t “fun facts” for his argument.

    34-5-2 all-time against the Golden Eagles. ’82 and ’90 were the only years when losses didn’t occur during a losing season, meaning (like Abarn) the Eagles needed help from our implosion to do the deed.

    But then again, denying the truth is sort of what a douche does. And as we have established in here, Julia is a definite douche.

  7. 10
    intheknow72

    Cap, my fav I think is:

    “If your baseball stadium seats less than 100 people…you might have a sucky athletic program.”

    Not counting the folding chair crowd, that’s all their “grandstands” hold. I guess if you just lower expectations you won’t be disappointed!

  8. 11
    julio

    Wow ITK, you’re really obsessed with that word “douche” here lately, ain’t ya? Have you been having some personal hygiene problems lately that you’d like to disclose?

    As to USM, I didn’t “omit” anyting. To bolster your argument that UAB’s victory against USM was meaningless, you cited a single USM game from years ago that Bama managed to win despite the fact it was in the midst of a lousy season. I demonstrated the blatant flaw in that logic by reminding you that Bama also was destroyed by USM by 3 td’s in another game during the midst of another lousy season. Now you want cite the entire Bama-USM series record and ignore the fact that you were the one who chose to cite a single game, all the while having the gall to accuse me of “ignoring the truth.” That’s rich, but pretty typical behavior for you.

    NYC, you are also inaccurate. Brett Favre and USM actually destroyed Auburn TWICE during the early 90’s, in 1990 and 1991. (ok, they were actually both one point losses but losses nonetheless.)

  9. 12
    Chris

    I counted 4 of those that are true for Alabama. Does that mean they have a sucky athletic program?

    And two outright lies, btw, Bartow was sold out 72 hours before the NC game. Just because about 150 seats weren’t filled doesn’t mean the tickets weren’t sold.

    I don’t care about either of the two schools on more than a state-pride level.

    But Neil Callaway was once an Alabama football coach (and is one of many coaches to help put them on probation).

    Alabama used to pack out the BJCC (And Coleman) but I can get free tickets now. (BTW, you can’t get a ticket to a UAB game for less than $15)

    If you think Alabama basketball would beat Memphis, you’re nuts.

    If you think Alabama wouldn’t LOVE to be in the N.I.T. in any of the last three years, you’re nuts.

  10. 13
    Crimsonite from the planet Crimson in a galaxy far far away. FormerlyE.G. White

    If you think Bama can’t beat Memphis you’re nuts. Tennessee regularly beats Memphis and Bama can and has beaten Tennessee. Bama has been in the NIT many times but tends to set their sights a little higher. Since you turds use current or ancient records interchangeably to make your pointless points, then you should be aware that Bama is 2nd only to Kentucky in SEC basketball history and 3rd aint even close. And I think you’ll find that we are on the way back too. RTR!

  11. 14
    intheknow72

    Douche:

    Citing the entire series record only demonstrated that we’ve beaten that worthless Abarn equivalent 34 times while UAB found it’s reason for existence by FINALLY logging numero uno. Southern Miss is crap, and getting pumped about beating them means your program is crap.

    As for the other diarrhea flowing from you, I’m at a complete loss. Loss? Now there’s a word I haven’t been able to identify with in a while. Now go clean yourself up; I know how excited you get coming in here.

    Chris:

    Yeeaaahhh. 150 seats just went unused for the biggest game in blazer history. And did you personally walk around and number those seats? UAB has a fine history of being great at crowd estimation.

    And no, we don’t want to be in the N.I.T. We want to be in the NCAA. You just made my point for me.

    If Alabama played Memphis twice a year for a dozen or so years, yes, they would beat Memphis at some point. I haven’t seen one school use another one like that since the ’08 Iron Bowl.

    The level Bama basketball has sunk to right now is deplorable. But then again, we’re not a basketball school like UAB or Abarn, and never will be. We’d like to have a good program, but only to pass the time before we dominate the landscape of college football the next season.

    Thank you Crimsonite for injecting logic in here.

  12. 15
    bamabino

    If Troy has a larger trophy case than your favorite team, you might have a sucky athletic program.Hold on a minute, I’ve confused Chopblocker U with UAB.

  13. 16
    BirminghamU

    For UAB’s athletic program to be so irrelevant, you sure have spent a lot of time writing about them. I think you must have a crush on Blaze.

  14. 17
    Kevin

    Once again: WHY DO YOU CARE? Most college athletics programs are not profitable. And UAB pays the bills for the UA system, like it or not. Get over the obsession already. It’s none of your freaking business whether or not UAB has athletics programs.

  15. 18
    intheknow72

    BirminghamU and Kevin, with your words you have changed my heart. Forgive me for being so foolish as to expect excellence from another institution in our state beyond the reigning 2009 National Champions.

    Well done, my friends. Well done.

  16. 19
    bamamike

    If Golf Digest was the most recognized entity that gave you the national championship nod in 2004 because your football team went undefeated, you have a sucky football team.(true story, look it up)

    If you have to put in some old VCR tapes of Bo Jackson running over 180 lbs. linebackers in 1985, just to get your dignity back, you have a sucky football team.

    If your 40+ year old coaches ride around the state in a crome stretch hummer like a bunch of clowns because they are partying it up for recruiting, you have a sucky football team.

    If your complete joy is the fact that your team landed an average OL from cullman, who initially wanted to play football at your rival, only for him to de-commit weeks later to look at other schools, you have a sucky football team.

    wait this was about UAB..sorry guys..

  17. 20
    Crimsonite from the planet Crimson in a galaxy far far away. FormerlyE.G. White

    And on that last note. Bama has 12 2011 commitments, 6 from Alabama and is in the running for the nations top 8 athletes including the #1 QB. While Abarn has only 6 commitments the top one which is Doo Rag Dismukes. Bwaaa Hawww Hawww! RTR!

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