Auburn fans, let’s be clear

I love this website for many reasons, but one has to be the barners that come here.  While this is an Alabama site, any aubie that can hunt and peck on a keyboard with internet access has a voice here.  But not all commenters are equal.

To illustrate my point, below are actual replies received regarding my recent article about Dismukes, the Abarn commitment who wears boxer shorts on his head.

Identifying these mental giants and the categories they fall under goes a long way in being able to effectively communicate with them in the future.  Please allow me to share a few of the categories our barner friends fall under.

1.) English Language Mutilator (ELM)
Our first category, this person doesn’t get bogged down by little details like spelling and correct word usage.  Nay.  He/she just depends on the rest of us to wade through the wreckage of what they’ve just tried to say, laying the burden upon US to try and guess the meaning of it all.  For example…

What the crap did this human being just try to say?  Honest to goodness, how many grammar errors can a person make in one short post?  This person flubbed almost one out of every ten words he wrote.  Rase?  Maby?  Fath?  And that’s just three.  And I love how he just abbreviated the words he didn’t even want to take a shot at.    But my favorite may be that he couldn’t even correctly spell “bammer”.

Pointing these errors out usually earns you names like “spelling police”, but honestly…you’re not doing the cow college you worship any favors by coming on here and not knowing how to spell.

2.) Talker Out Of The Butt-er (TOOTB)
Next, this is a person who makes ridiculous statements that can never in a hundred years be substantiated.  A perfect example:

So did this person honestly just claim to have conducted a trailer census?  Does he have qualitative analysis to support a Tuscaloosa County to Lee County trailer park ratio?  No.  He’s just talking out of his butt.

3.) Too Excited To Inquire  (TETI)
A close cousin of the TOOTB, the TETI says stupid things too, but only because he won’t bother to take the 4.3 seconds necessary to Google for facts that CAN be substantiated.  He’s too excited that he has a good one.  An example…

Then, unsure he was heard the first time, 3 minutes later we get…

Below is a picture of Dre Kirkpatrick on signing day.  Notice any similarities to the script “A” used on Alabama merchandise?  Notice any dissimilarities to the one on the Braves cap?

Yeah, neither did Big Dor/Dog.  Good one, TETI.

4.) Delusional Idea Poster (DIP).
It’s unclear if this person believes the drivel he/she puts out there, but it’s spoken in such a way that they do:

Looking past her confusion with profanity and water barriers, this DIP wants to make the claim that a team still wet from its 13th National Championship and 22nd SEC championship is jealous about losing a recruit to a school that can promise immediate playing time…and possibly other things.  Call it delusion or dementia, but a DIP’s personal bias prevents them from thinking clearly, and they apparently believe you can’t either.

5.) Bandwagon and Inflation Talker (BAIT)
I admit I wish I had a better term for this person, but here…

(Answer to the second paragraph: yes, but only because he wears boxers on his dome.  Not because of his school of choice.)

But a BAIT is a person who wants to make enormous generalities and hope you go along with their thinking.  Hence saying Bama fans, with their passion, intellect for the game and tolerance for nothing but excellence on the gridiron are a “laughingstock.”  If we ARE a laughingstock, we’re on top, so what does it matter?  I’ve never seen someone laugh “up” at anyone.

Another example…

After surveying the entire state of California this intellectual mammoth apparently was able to make this deduction.

Much like a child who lights a batch of firecrackers, runs away, then looks around to see if anyone is enjoying what he just did, a BAIT says something stupid and attempts to corral the landscape of college football fans into sharing his opinion.  Don’t take the BAIT.

6.) The Zinger Slinger (TZS)
This person slings ’em out there and smacks ’em down!  Nobody’s gonna get in HIS way.  Think he won’t say it??  Betcha he will!

Yeah, mullets!!  Alright!!! And the “just sayin” was just enough mustard to make that hot dog taste EVEN BETTER!

7.) The Bleeding Heart (TBH)
This is a person who potentially just bought his first computer today.  Clicking on that lower case “e” on the desktop, it brought up this “internet” thing he’s heard so much about lately.

Forget the word “collegic”…TBH’s want you to know that football players are people too.  Never mind that they’ve agreed to step onto the field of play for one of the largest moneymaking industries in the country, and by doing so are entering the public domain where their names will be more widely known than past presidents.  No, TBH’s have never visited a fan site until today, and are appalled at what they’ve found.

8.) The Pottymouth (TP)

Overcome by emotion, this is all a TP can manage to get out.  But they walk away confident they just did something, and hey…that’s all that matters.

9.) The B.S.’er (TBS)
This person is “bigtime” online.  He’ll punch your lights out, mister.  You better watch your step, and I’m being serious.  Depending on who he’s talking to, he’s been in the CIA, a male model, a weightlifter or in this case, a professor…

So prof’s cruise rival sites and engage in banter often do they? Riiiiiiiiiight.  Good luck convincing your next conquest on Yahoo Chat that NASA’s getting your spacesuit fitted for you later today.

10.) The Aubsessed Closet Tider (TACT)
The TACT is who keeps us on our toes in here, because if we sneeze, they’re gonna know it.  They keep accurate records dating years back of every word, sentence and blog we’ve ever written, and possess the skill and the know how to challenge us at every turn.

It used to bewilder me the time they spend here.  But over time (and we’re talking years here, people), you grow to develop a strange friendship with TACTs. Partly because if they’re going to stalk you, you might as well get along with them.  And partially due to a hunch that they really just want to be Bama fans, but it’s not okay to do so in their families or circle of friends.  Deep down, everyone wants to be a champion.  No one REALLY wants to settle for just trying to take a champion down.  So by coming here daily…and I mean daily…they live out their fantasies vicariously through the Tide faithful that make capstonereport.com part of their daily web surfing regimen.  And we’re glad they do.