Auburn fans, let’s be clear

I love this website for many reasons, but one has to be the barners that come here.  While this is an Alabama site, any aubie that can hunt and peck on a keyboard with internet access has a voice here.  But not all commenters are equal.

To illustrate my point, below are actual replies received regarding my recent article about Dismukes, the Abarn commitment who wears boxer shorts on his head.

Identifying these mental giants and the categories they fall under goes a long way in being able to effectively communicate with them in the future.  Please allow me to share a few of the categories our barner friends fall under.

1.) English Language Mutilator (ELM)
Our first category, this person doesn’t get bogged down by little details like spelling and correct word usage.  Nay.  He/she just depends on the rest of us to wade through the wreckage of what they’ve just tried to say, laying the burden upon US to try and guess the meaning of it all.  For example…

What the crap did this human being just try to say?  Honest to goodness, how many grammar errors can a person make in one short post?  This person flubbed almost one out of every ten words he wrote.  Rase?  Maby?  Fath?  And that’s just three.  And I love how he just abbreviated the words he didn’t even want to take a shot at.    But my favorite may be that he couldn’t even correctly spell “bammer”.

Pointing these errors out usually earns you names like “spelling police”, but honestly…you’re not doing the cow college you worship any favors by coming on here and not knowing how to spell.

2.) Talker Out Of The Butt-er (TOOTB)
Next, this is a person who makes ridiculous statements that can never in a hundred years be substantiated.  A perfect example:

So did this person honestly just claim to have conducted a trailer census?  Does he have qualitative analysis to support a Tuscaloosa County to Lee County trailer park ratio?  No.  He’s just talking out of his butt.

3.) Too Excited To Inquire  (TETI)
A close cousin of the TOOTB, the TETI says stupid things too, but only because he won’t bother to take the 4.3 seconds necessary to Google for facts that CAN be substantiated.  He’s too excited that he has a good one.  An example…

Then, unsure he was heard the first time, 3 minutes later we get…

Below is a picture of Dre Kirkpatrick on signing day.  Notice any similarities to the script “A” used on Alabama merchandise?  Notice any dissimilarities to the one on the Braves cap?

Yeah, neither did Big Dor/Dog.  Good one, TETI.

4.) Delusional Idea Poster (DIP).
It’s unclear if this person believes the drivel he/she puts out there, but it’s spoken in such a way that they do:

Looking past her confusion with profanity and water barriers, this DIP wants to make the claim that a team still wet from its 13th National Championship and 22nd SEC championship is jealous about losing a recruit to a school that can promise immediate playing time…and possibly other things.  Call it delusion or dementia, but a DIP’s personal bias prevents them from thinking clearly, and they apparently believe you can’t either.

5.) Bandwagon and Inflation Talker (BAIT)
I admit I wish I had a better term for this person, but here…

(Answer to the second paragraph: yes, but only because he wears boxers on his dome.  Not because of his school of choice.)

But a BAIT is a person who wants to make enormous generalities and hope you go along with their thinking.  Hence saying Bama fans, with their passion, intellect for the game and tolerance for nothing but excellence on the gridiron are a “laughingstock.”  If we ARE a laughingstock, we’re on top, so what does it matter?  I’ve never seen someone laugh “up” at anyone.

Another example…

After surveying the entire state of California this intellectual mammoth apparently was able to make this deduction.

Much like a child who lights a batch of firecrackers, runs away, then looks around to see if anyone is enjoying what he just did, a BAIT says something stupid and attempts to corral the landscape of college football fans into sharing his opinion.  Don’t take the BAIT.

6.) The Zinger Slinger (TZS)
This person slings ’em out there and smacks ’em down!  Nobody’s gonna get in HIS way.  Think he won’t say it??  Betcha he will!

Yeah, mullets!!  Alright!!! And the “just sayin” was just enough mustard to make that hot dog taste EVEN BETTER!

7.) The Bleeding Heart (TBH)
This is a person who potentially just bought his first computer today.  Clicking on that lower case “e” on the desktop, it brought up this “internet” thing he’s heard so much about lately.

Forget the word “collegic”…TBH’s want you to know that football players are people too.  Never mind that they’ve agreed to step onto the field of play for one of the largest moneymaking industries in the country, and by doing so are entering the public domain where their names will be more widely known than past presidents.  No, TBH’s have never visited a fan site until today, and are appalled at what they’ve found.

8.) The Pottymouth (TP)

Overcome by emotion, this is all a TP can manage to get out.  But they walk away confident they just did something, and hey…that’s all that matters.

9.) The B.S.’er (TBS)
This person is “bigtime” online.  He’ll punch your lights out, mister.  You better watch your step, and I’m being serious.  Depending on who he’s talking to, he’s been in the CIA, a male model, a weightlifter or in this case, a professor…

So prof’s cruise rival sites and engage in banter often do they? Riiiiiiiiiight.  Good luck convincing your next conquest on Yahoo Chat that NASA’s getting your spacesuit fitted for you later today.

10.) The Aubsessed Closet Tider (TACT)
The TACT is who keeps us on our toes in here, because if we sneeze, they’re gonna know it.  They keep accurate records dating years back of every word, sentence and blog we’ve ever written, and possess the skill and the know how to challenge us at every turn.

It used to bewilder me the time they spend here.  But over time (and we’re talking years here, people), you grow to develop a strange friendship with TACTs. Partly because if they’re going to stalk you, you might as well get along with them.  And partially due to a hunch that they really just want to be Bama fans, but it’s not okay to do so in their families or circle of friends.  Deep down, everyone wants to be a champion.  No one REALLY wants to settle for just trying to take a champion down.  So by coming here daily…and I mean daily…they live out their fantasies vicariously through the Tide faithful that make capstonereport.com part of their daily web surfing regimen.  And we’re glad they do.

63 Comments

Add Yours
  1. 1
    kleph

    you left off the guy who argues that since Alabama isn’t 100% absolutely and completely perfect (in this case, the fact Bama had two players taken in the draft vs Oklahoma’s four), then the team must suck and all crimson tide fans are thereby delusional.

  2. 2
    Crimsonite from the planet Crimson in a galaxy far far away. FormerlyE.G. White

    Actually Florida had 9 taken. Alabama, Oklahoma and USCw came in 2nd with 7 each. Bama could have had 8 but rumors about possible chronic injuries turned teams away from Peek at the last moment. However, he was taken as a free agent immediately after the draft ended. And who knows what the hell they were thinking when nobody took the Tiffin, the best kicker in the country. ITK, I’m sure the goob who posted on B/R that he watched both Bama and Penn St spring games could fit in one of your categories. The moron rated PSU better than Bama at every position. And while not actually saying their QBs were better, he did state that PSUs spread O doesn’t NEED a QB to function! By the way, PSU played their starters against the scrubs in the Blue/White game. They’re bemoaning their QB situation. Afterwards on Rivals their fans to a man were cursing their mothers for giving them birth because PSU has to play Bama this year. The truth is quite a different story huh? RTR!

  3. 3
    Professor_Chaos

    Do all Barners naturally spell “their” as “there,” or are they taught to do so in AU English 101?

  4. 4
    capstonereport

    Great question Professor Chaos! We are told Auburn fans aren’t sidewalk alums like most Alabama fans; so, it is a reasonable question.

    However, I avoid commentary on grammar—for I fear Muphry’s Law. (And yes it is spelled that way!)

  5. 5
    intheknow72

    Professor, I would argue that AU fans are just like fans anywhere. Just some fans don’t walk around with a chip on their shoulder and something to prove.

    And Cappy, I’m just waiting for something I missed…couldn’t have set myself up for abuse any better on this one.

  6. 6
    Bama Fan in NYC

    We all know a high school and GED diploma holds more weight than an Aubarn degree, so what more do you expect from these guys?

  7. 8
    Finebammer

    The line about bama fans having never set foot on campus is truly as hypocritical as arrogant. And also untrue.

    I will say upfront I have no research to back this up other than working in manufacturing plants across the state. There are significant numbers of aubies everywhere I go wearing their colors while driving forklifts or performing other menial tasks. It’s to be expected. Auburn had a run. Fans gravitated toward them.

    Fans who didn’t attend auburn. Fans who’ve “never set foot on campus”. Fans the alum look down their noses at……unless they’re on the football field.

  8. 9
    WIRE2WIRE

    I agree…like Bruce Springsteen said – ” like a dog that has been beat too much” is the only explanation.

  9. 10
    WIRE2WIRE

    I agree in past yrs Dismukes might have been a good pick up for Bama but this yr would have been destined for filler at best.

  10. 11
    bamabino

    If the highlight of YOUR season was a former running back’s 40 time at the NFL combine, yooooooou might be a BarnNeck!

  11. 12
    alex hamilton

    Excellent study in nomenclature by ITK.

    Don’t forget “Julia” and “Plays with his Balls” when you’re naming those jokers. I prefer those to the “TACT”.

    Nonetheless, this is top shelf.

    While there’s all this fuss about fat white kids in the state that don’t know how to dress that are picking AU as their “college”, another important fact is going unnoticed.

    Did anyone hear?

    Abarn isn’t even the best team in southeast Alabama. By my count, three Troy players were drafted to 2 from the Barn.

    And someone please tell Ben Tate that his ass was drafted in the 2nd round because he is not and never will be as good as Mark Ingram. Ingram is the second coming of Emmitt Smith. Tate will be lucky to get the ball in Houston and last three years in the League.

    Alabama is the reigning National Champions of College Football. And Abarn can’t even get more guys drafted than Troy. So much for that #13 class in 2005 and that great “top ten” recruiting class for AU in 2006.

    Did that all world Tommy Trott even sign a free agent deal? What about that All-American in shorts Gabe McKenzie? Face it, Auburn is a place where overhyped athletes go to get THEIR (that’s how you spell the word) asses kicked. The Barn sucks.

    Something tells me that it will be more of the same in the 2014 NFL Draft.

    Auburn, just a place to butcher the English language… not develop into a football player.

    Now that’s CRYSTAL clear, Aubs.

  12. 14
    almightytmc1

    This has been a great read ITK.
    What makes it so knee-slappingly funny is that it is true.

    It sucks being Auburn.

    I thought that Spencer Regions might be a great player… He could be. But damnit if he isn’t Gaylord Sartain’s bastard love child.
    When he said “Wore Egul” I heard the HEE HAW legend’s golden voicce all over him and he really does look like he dropped out of the Sartain Family tree.

    Meanwhile in Spanish Fort. You have a young man wearing an Auburn Doo rag. Now…. hang with me here…..Is a Doo Rag part of the appropriate apparell checklist for the quintessential “Auburn Man”?
    And yes, I can understand they didnt want another Derek Winter-style bad hair commitment photo but come the fuck on here….He looks like a big ol’ doofus. Like a supersized idiot Garden Nome, Santa’s retard big goofy elf who keeps feeding the reindeer chili.

  13. 15
    Ballplay Indian

    Im just glad you rmemebered me. I was begining to feel left out until the last line. Good to know I still got some clout around here.

    I see you heeded my advice on keeping this board more active. Spew the rivalry venom , and watch the traffic go up. Simple as that.

    And if you think I am a closet Bama fan your insane.

  14. 20
    pete4tide

    OK, so the retard elf feeding chili to the reindeer nearly got snot blown all over the keyboard. Alex – you need a regular column on here, dude!

  15. 22
    Ballplay Indian

    Wire….Lay down the pipe dude. I could list at least 15 starters on pro teams from AU. Can You do the same for Bama ?

  16. 26
    Crimsonite from the planet Crimson in a galaxy far far away. FormerlyE.G. White

    Well I don’t know if I can name 15 or not, but let me give it a shot: Shawn Alexander, Antonio Langham, Brodie Croyle, Bart Starr, Lee Roy Jordan, Joe Namath, Kenny Stabler, Bob Baumhower, Jeremiah Castille, Paul Crane, Bobby Humphrey, John Hannah, Dennis Homan, Scott Hunter, Wilbur Jackson, E. J. junior, Barry Krauss, Woodrow Lowe, Marty Lyons, Don McNeal, Billy Neighbors, Ozzie Newsome, Ray Perkins, Dwight Stephenson, Richard Todd. This list just scratches the surface and yet it includes 3 Super Bowl winning QBs, an NFL Most Valuable Player of the Year RB. Several NFL Hall of Famers, and several players considered to be the greatest NFL players of all time at their positions. Uh, BPI, you didn’t list your 15 Barners. Once again, who were they and what did they accomplish? RTR!

  17. 27
    BPI

    Egg, I was refering to current rosters. Sorry for the confusion. Bama for sure has some great NFL players in the books. I was talking about players contributing right now. I know of several Pro bowl AU players on current rosters. Ill let yall do the research. Bama has some great defenders in the league right now as well. But If you do the research, Auburn has the edge. So WIRE….YOUR WRONG…..But you knew that already , didnt ya ?

    And yall know who I am so dont wonder who BPI is. Its still the Indian baby, I just get tired of typing that long name ( especially after losing that bet) , every time my computer crashes.

  18. 28
    almightytmc1

    ITK
    You might have forgotten the
    Delusional Auburn Stat Slinger. Or the D-ASS.
    The D-ASS is always there to fluff up the stats like an ugly porn actress trying to make ends meet. They can give you have a dozen stats that prove irrefutably that they could/would?should have won that game. They give you such gems as ” Auburn DOMINATED Bama for 58 minutes!!!” And “Ben Tate was the #1 rusher in counties that started with the letter L in south east alabama last season.”
    There are many different types of D-ASS but the auburn D-ASS is probably the Dumbest D-ASS in the universe.

  19. 30
    almightytmc1

    Attn Pete.
    I am not Alex.
    Jeez… I right good shit and you guys credit Alex for it….
    And remember nothing says “Auburn Man” like a doo rag.

  20. 31
    julio

    EG, if you want to look at NFL players over the last 25 years then I assure you AU will stack up nicely with anyone.

    Wire, you’re an idiot. Carnell-NFL Rookie of the year; Campbell-4 year starter in the NFL, higher QB rating than over half of the starters in the NFL last year, and will be starting for the Raiders next year; Bo- you’ve got to be freakin’ kidding me. I guess you missed the “Bo-knows’ commercials and the human highlight real he constantly provided before he was injured. Even Aundray Bruce played in the NFL for over ten seasons. Pat Sullivan – ok you got me. Can’t believe he didn’t excel while playing for those dominant Falcons teams of the early 70’s.

    As to current players besides Campbell and Carnell who were NFL starters last year, hmmmmm…Karlos Dansby, Ronnie Brown, Jerraud Powers, Ben Grubbs, Marcus Washington, Carlos Rogers, Marcus McNeill, Jay Ratliff, Tony Richardson, Pat Lee, Rod Hood, Heath Evans, Will Herring, Takeo Spikes, Devin Aromashodu…good enough EG??

  21. 32
    Mandi

    Hey bammer trash, you are really starting to show your jealousy big time. Gamecocks gonna sweep that ass this wkend. lol

  22. 34
    intheknow72

    MY APOLOGIES almightytmc…getting you confused with Alex is actually a compliment, to both of you!

  23. 36
    BPI

    Aight egg. I did your research ….Hit

    espn.go.com/nfl/college

    We currently have 33 players on roster compared to your 32. Not a beatdown….Until you look at the talent..

    AU PROVEN TALENT :
    Ronnie B.
    Caddy
    Karlos Dansby
    Devin Aromishadu
    Heath Evans
    Ben Grubbs
    Roderick Hood
    Marcus Mcniel
    Ben Obomanu
    Jeraud Powers
    Carlos Rogers
    Kendall Simmons
    Tekio Spikes
    Reggie Torbor

    Aight Egg..14 starters making an actual difference on rosters….You really got me man.

    On UA side.

    Roman Harper
    Demeco Ryans
    Antione Caldwell
    Dashea Townsand

    I think that is a whopping four starters making a difference.

    And I gave some names the benefit of the doubt on our end and erred on the side of caution, leaving some questionable off the list.

    There simply is no comparison. In about 4 years the gap will undoubtedly close. but for now, (not in the 70’s) AU leads by a wide margin.

    Now try your best to explain it away.

  24. 37
    WIRE2WIRE

    au at manure pile crappers are the trash and troopa trash will come into the stands at the ib and get bludgeoned

  25. 38
    WIRE2WIRE

    no such thing as bammer trash – all bama is gold…probation mirage the only good thing for au at manure pile in 100 yrs.

  26. 39
    WIRE2WIRE

    au mp – thug trash – salraies and bonuses by the dye system – turned in by kiffin and miss st on kodi II

  27. 40
    intheknow72

    In my humble opinion, the NFL pendulum clearly swings in the favor of Abarn right now. Bama’s level of influence (or any program’s, for that matter) is clearly a reflection of the stability of that program, with able coaching and legitimate talent that is attracted to that coaching.

    In short, there was a gap in coaching and stability from 1997 until 2007, and the talent sent to the NFL was/is an indication of this.

    This can and will change in the next five years when you hear names like Ingram, Jones, Hightower, Richardson, Dareus, Barron, Kirkpatrick, Upshaw, Murphy, Square, Carpenter, Kouandjio and Fulton called early and often, to name a few.

    But the ten years previous to Saban were a bleak, ugly time in all phases of Bama football, including our influence in the NFL.

  28. 41
    WIRE2WIRE

    Have a great life and learn what I did as a 9 yr old jacked up about the 71 Iron Bowl – undefeated and untied Bama and Au #2 and #7ish respectively….Bama kills them 31 0 ….AU MP sucks and a broken clock program

  29. 44
    WIRE2WIRE

    Bama 9-3 in the last 12 games – bama not damaged by probation and that includes scissum fiasco….so au mp expects a beatdown in tuscawinnah in 10…statistical fact.

  30. 45
    Scott

    Got to hand it to you. This was an entertaining post, but don’t you think that we could put something like this together for every SEC fanbase except Vandy?

  31. 46
    BPI

    WIRE2WIRE……….I know it really you CRIMSONHAMMAH…….One need not be an F.B.I. profiler to see the similarities in your retardedness.

  32. 47
    BPI

    ITK….Absolutely. I think that Rolando will be a future pro-bowler (if the black hole known as Oakland doesnt swallow him up like Darren McFadden and others). No doubt there wll be a pile of NFL standouts from this years draft class.

    I am not blowing our horn on our very recent achievement in the NFL. The last two years have been pretty bleak. But Savage did really well for the Colts his rookie year (last year). A few other Bama players currently on the team that are sure to do well. Julio. Darius. Baron. Absolutely they should stand out. But , Auburn is doing pretty well in the league.

  33. 50
    BPI

    And how did I leave off Jason Campbell ? Yes , thats 15 egg….Do you like a scoop of ice cream with your humble pie ?

  34. 52
    Mandi

    Hey Aubie fans quit arguring with these cheating idiots. Tell em they are jealous and move on down the dam road. lol.. We are doing just what we need to do get stupid bammers to talk about the Prowl and Big Cat.. They are completely consummed with it. Were gonna be laughing our ass off when we go to the sec and ncaa tournament and they get left out. They are such dumbarses. They cant foresee whats coming. Hey they are complete morons.

  35. 53
    Big red A

    Pay attention people, this is how you stir shit (aubie intelligence), thanks for making me want to post again.

    Who gives a shit how many ex-aubies are in “the league”? Will they come watch the slow death of anything decent on the plains? Hell no, they are getting paid.

    Man-di, wake up, there is nothing more embarassing to your fellow fans than your incoherent rambling.

  36. 55
    Crimsonite

    BPI, don’t be stupid. Croyle has been the starting QB 3 times at Kansas City and if not for his chronic injuries he would still be the starter. To be a starting QB in the NFL certainly qualifies. How many has the Barn ever had? And those players you named – 80% of them, nobody outside of Abarn even knows they exist. Those names really bring visions of Knute Rockney. Bwaaaa Hawww Hawww! RTR!

  37. 56
    BPI

    You dumbarse……Are you seriously gonna toot Croyles horn over Marcus McNeil (Rookie pro – bowl) Ronnie B. Evanas (NFL super bowl champ) …. I could go on and on. ALL OF THOSE ARE NOT ONLY STARTERS IN THE LEAGUE , BUT EXCEPTIONAL PLAYERS IN THE LEAGUE. Dansby, Rodgers, Torbor, Spikes, Simmons, Grubbs , Caddy…..All are household names, and borderlining on the legendary. Not just in the state , but the NFL.

    And you name Brody as your credibility for talent in the league ?

    You are stupid as hell.

  38. 57
    BPI

    What are you gonna say next ? John Parker Wilson is as good as John Elway , Dan Marino , and Joe Montana combined ?

    It truly would not suprise me if you did.

  39. 58
    Big red A

    Legendary? Really? I can’t even respond to that kind of stupidity. Legendary is like Bart Starr, Joe Namath, LeeRoy Jordan, Or Derrick Thomas, Cornelius Benett, Ozzy Newsome, guys like them, classy, literate people worthy of wearing crimson and white in their respective generations.

  40. 59
    BPI

    Borderlining…In 5 or 6 years Dansby could solididy himself into the books as on of the great linebackers. Same with Spikes, and Torbor. Who knows ? Its not out of the realm of possibility that one of those three could be in the H.O.F. one day , if the have some longevity.

    Cornelius Bennett, and class, are far not exactly two words I would use in the same sentence. Nor would Stabler qualify.

    Ozzy is a class act though.

  41. 60
    almightytmc1

    Mandi,
    The word is DAMN. Not DAM.
    Glad to see that auburn degree has made you such a damn fine writer.
    I can almost see you posting… 60 lbs ocerweight, hair in curlers (’cause the men loves it when you fix up!) and a chain smoked marlboro menthol hanging out of your mouth, ashes falling on the computer, as you spend hours trying to come up with inane bullshit like your last post.
    P.S. If you are looking to attract your next baby daddy, a bath wouldnt hurt.

  42. 61
    almightytmc1

    Mandi,
    you know… that thing you do when you take off your moomoo gown and rub soap on your body and then rinse it off with water. Its the thing you do before you brush your tooth.

  43. 62
    Kevin

    That post was the longest WHINE I’ve ever seen. But good for you for being consistent. STILL attacking the recruit that got away as well, I see. You just can’t let it go. Hilarious!!!

  44. 63
    intheknow72

    Almost as funny as watching Abarn’s dipsy doo offense have to close the deal against a physical defense. Wonder how many 14 point leads you’ll blow next season?

    I’m not sure anyone understands where you saw whining in an article about categories of bloggers on here, but it’s not the first time you’ve extracted info from your anus (see point #2).

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