Apologies to Tennessee & Lane Kiffin

I apologize to Lane Kiffin. I had him all wrong. He said all these secondary violations had a purpose, and I scoffed.

Not anymore.

He does have a plan. And it is working.

The latest hostess scandal proves just how sophisticated the Tennessee football coach is. He’s finally remade Tennessee’s image.

Gone are the days when you couldn’t spell Citrus without UT. Here instead are the days of you can’t spell Slut without UT.

It is a great marketing plan. Even I want to go to Knoxville now. And who wouldn’t when you read stories like this in the New York Times, “Keith Easterwood, a veteran summer basketball coach, said that on a visit last year with his son, a football recruit, he had to ask a hostess to stop brushing her breasts against both him and his son.”

Kiffin has beaten everyone. He realizes that more important to teenage boys than football or academics are the primal urges. And what better way to release the Wild Boyz than with some titillating Wild Girlz?

But the real genius isn’t in using the sluts, err, I mean hostesses. According to every Volunteer fan on the Internet, this is common throughout the SEC. The real genius of Lane Kiffin is getting the story in the New York Times—and then all over blogs. Don’t believe for a minute that rivals leaked this story to the Times. Nope. This story and the press were manipulated by that expert PR guy on Rocky Top. It is all part of the plan.

Now everybody in the country knows Tennessee girls are easy.

That type of information is good for more than just football recruiting. Even math geeks, engineering nerds and arts weirdoes will be attracted to Knoxville—provided they can take time out from raiding in World of Warcraft—because with so many easy girls, even these guys might get lucky.

See how comprehensive Lane Kiffin’s plan is? It is going to expand enrollment across the campus!

All the doubters out there should apologize. I know I am sorry for ever doubting him. And I feel that I can speak on behalf of every Alabama fan when we admit that Lane Kiffin scares us and the rest of the SEC—just like Gene Chizik at Auburn and Les Miles’ clock management. Florida’s Urban Meyer and Alabama’s Nick Saban just won’t be able to deal with such sophistication coming out of Knoxville. Our days are numbered, and we humbly admit it.

In the coming days as secondary violations are discussed and Tennessee’s failure to report the secondary violations lead to discussions about a lack of institutional control, it will only further Tennessee’s image.

There is no stopping Tennessee now. There is no stopping Lane Kiffin’s plan. I’m sorry for doubting the Volunteers. I was wrong. Tennessee is clearly on the right track. Don’t stop now!