Auburn response: masturbatory fantasy

What was the Auburn response to Alabama’s textbook troubles?

An orgasm.

At least if you judge by Auburn blogs. The delusional and wishful thinking ranged from “serious scholarship losses are coming to Tuscaloosa” to the always faithful, “Saban is going to bolt!” (You can see both typified at Track ‘Em Tigers)

Auburn fans are in the throes of passion as Alabama fans are in the throes of the NCAA.

None of those scenarios seem to be even a remote possibility. But it won’t stop Auburn fans’ masturbatory fantasies—if you can’t beat Saban in recruiting or deal with a 36-0 thumping, you resort to fantasy.

Alabama fans are familiar with fantasy. Many Crimson Tide fans nursed dreams Mike Shula would be successful. He wasn’t.

Auburn fans are now getting familiar with fantasy. First, it was the spread will save us! Second, Tuberville and his assistants are at fault, a new coach will save us. Third, Gene Chizik doesn’t suck! Fourth, the spread of Malzahn will save us! Fifth, Saban is going to leave and that will save us!

Auburn is now as impotent as Alabama was under Mike Shula. It is both sad and hilarious. Sad because so many of the problems are self-inflicted. Tuberville scrapped his offense in panic at Nick Saban’s recruiting. Auburn fired Tuberville in a panic and hired a 5-19 failure because of Nick Saban. It is hilarious because Auburn’s only hope to right the ship is for outside forces to hinder Nick Saban.

Keep wishing and dreaming and hoping.

28 Comments

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  1. 2
    capstonereport

    I do want to say the Auburn fans who post here have been far more reasonable than most of what is said on talk radio or on blogs.

    I also pulled a few lines from the post to keep it family friendly (or as close to family friendly as possible…) out came all the Penthouse/Playboy jokes and the KY jokes too.

  2. 4
    julio

    Yeah, Cappy, there’s no way there would be an identical reaction from Bama fans if the shoe was on the other foot. Oh wait, I seem to remember some incident involving the AU Sociology Dept. from nearly 5 years ago that the NCAA refused to even sniff at that you bammers still talk about to this day. Hello pot, I’m kettle…you are black.

    P.S. I’m not saying Saban is gone. I am saying that it puts his unprecedented one way “no buyout” demand into a different perspective given the potential circumstances. Do you agree, Cappy?

  3. 5
    capstonereport

    I don’t think I agree about the no buyout making Saban more likely to leave. I don’t think a buyout would stop Saban if he decided to leave in good or bad times. If Saban were pissed, he would leave if the buyout were $10 million.

    Now, does an NCAA mess in general make Saban more likely to bolt? I think it depends on the severity of what is done. LSU lost some scholarships, had recruiting restricted, and it didn’t stop him from staying there.

    The big question mark is what will happen in penalties. For some reason, I tend to think the other sports are going to be the ones hit the hardest. I could be completely wrong there, but the level of abuse coming allegedly from the women’s track team was far higher than anything done by other athletes.

    Of course, football and basketball are revenue sports, so I’m probably wrong and you can expect the NCAA to punish the least offender the heaviest.

  4. 6
    DR MOS

    Alabama’s football coach dealt with this quickly and decisively when it came to light. This has potential to affect other sports that may or may not have disciplined those involved. NOT the football program. Find a porno that does not involve the UA football program cow lovers.

    Oh…Saban will leave right after his statue is has been cast and the 2011 and 2012 BCS National Championship plaques have been finished. For you barners that is twice as many national champions ship you have…that would be two fingers..one on each hand.

  5. 7
    Auburnisajoke formerly the fan known as Ballplay Indian.

    Here is the deal. We dont know what the University or NCAA knows. If they find out (worst case) that som UA officials, staff, etc. knowingly gave thes people more textbooks for profit it could be really bad. Then again, it may be much ado about nothing. Who knows.

  6. 8
    JW

    Saban will leave when he is dam ready and that want be until he wins a NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP.He might stay longer if he thinks he can win two but other wise he will get the GREAT UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA A N.C.in the next two years..And about the textbook stuff or should i say bullshi.The same thing happen at LSU when he was there and not a dam thing was done by the NCAA..So keep on dreaming you aubbie boys..

  7. 9
    capstonereport

    Why do people keep saying if the NCAA finds something new?

    We already know what the NCAA alleged as it was in the document and it didn’t include any allegations that officials did anything other than what UA admits.

    Could the NCAA hammer Alabama? Yes. Should it? Probably not—at least not the football program as most of the abuse seems to have centered in other sports.

  8. 10
    Bamaman

    Julio, what kind of different perspective do you think this puts Saban’s no buyout in through those orange and blue glasses of yours? You already said Saban was going to USC as their head coach this year anyway, and we know that ain’t happenin, so dream on julio, Saban will be here at least his eight years so you have got many more ass whippings coming.

  9. 11
    Tim

    Who gives a shit whether..Saban leaves or not?? I’m more worried about if i got a job tomorrow. I am an Alabama Fan..more important thing’s to consider than a football coach..

  10. 12
    JW

    Tim get a CDL license truck driving industry has been very profitable for me.Trucking is very good money with the right company…

  11. 13
    intheknow72

    Cappy, as usual, well done in your assessment of the Auburn reaction. In all honesty, the only way Auburn can gain a hold a hold on us is if we implode. Given our history, that’s not an impossibility. But it is pathetic to watch their little eyes water in hopes that they can once again benefit from our demise (and totally ignore that it was our stupidity and not their own efforts that gave them success.)

  12. 14
    OMNIPRESENT aka 36 - 0 and 17-10

    I Hope you guys DONT lose anything Saban is 1 and 1 against AU I wanna see you guys when he goes down like SHANE ON PAUL. QUICK, FAST, AND IN A HURRY.

  13. 15
    OMNIPRESENT aka 36 - 0 and 17-10

    Oh and that Masturbation you hear is SHANE BEHIND PAUL LOOKING AT THEIR AUTOGRAPH PICTURES OF DARLING NICKY!!

  14. 16
    Robert Blackwelder

    The University of Alabama is the state’s Flagship University! Look at its overall record, you Auburn people, and you will see what I am talking about.

    Those in glass houses should not throw stones…remember Sociology classes on the Plains?

    I must say that the NCAA seems to be after both Auburn and Alabama, so none of us should be too “out of balance” to know that the other shoe could fall at any moment. Auburn is certainly NOT above NCAA investigation. History proves this.

    I don’t know what the outcome of all of this will be for the Crimson Tide. I do know that the ninety something page study should be what is read and gone by instead of one-sided opinions and what comes from the media.

    Auburn and Alabama are both great schools and our state should be proud that we have them. Yes, I am a ‘Bama fan and benefactor but I am educated enough to appreciate two fine universities when I see them.

    The entire United States is afraid of both Auburn and Alabama and this should tell you something. No other state in the Union can say the same to the extent the State of Alabama can. So, you Auburn fans, know what you are talking about before you show your ignorance. Get a copy of the self-study and the NCAA documents, study them, and then make an educated decision as to what is likely to happen as well as what is appropriate.

    As far as Coach Saban is concerned, my Auburn friends are jealous. One of them recently told me that he thought Alabama was on its way back and he is a BIG Auburn fan. At the moment, Auburn is down but they will be back also. Its just a matter of time.

    Auburn may have hired the wrong coach, alot of fans think so, I think, however, if the administration and certain Auburn alumni would stop trying to run the athletic department that AU would do alot better. IF the coach can’t run his own program then he should be fired, but he should be given the chance without the outside presssure being put on his by a few well-placed alumni. This includes the President and the Athletic Director as well as Bobby Lowder.

    Alabama’s Athletic Director, Mal Moore, has done an outstanding job at the Capstone but, as with all of us, there comes a time when one should accept reality and admit that its time to step down. That time is now for Coach Moore. He has done alot of good for Alabama, don’t get we wrong, but the change would be for the better.

    Meanwhile, why don’t we pause for a minute or two and admit that our state has two great universities, something that other states envy.

    As for the NCAA, we all know they are against both of our state universities. Heck, the Reggie Bush incident proves that all teams are not treated equally by the NCAA. What if the same thing had occurred at “Bama or Auburn, think the same outcome would have been had?

    Come on you Auburn fans, join ranks with us “Bama people and lets all fight for what is fair and equal. I, certainly, encourage all Alabama fans to do the exact thing when Auburn gets thrown into the frying pay, and it will happen, its just a matter of time.

  15. 17
    danny

    I’ve heard a lot of people talking about firing mal moore. Not a bad idea. But isn’t his associate AD( and potential replacement) the guy that was AD for florida state(just penalized by NCAA for things that happened while he was in charge).Now that would be an interesting hire. Don’t think the NCAA would like that.Not 100% sure his exact job title though?

  16. 18
    tmc1

    Auburn is much like Bobby Lowder.
    Bobby recently lost most of his personal fortune. And yet he still thinks he is a big time player.
    Sadly…..(on the broader world stage) Bobby and Auburn are (and have always been) minor players. C-list celebritys who end up on crappy reality shows trying to stretch that 15 minutes out just a little further.
    They are the Bob Denvers (re: Gilligan’s Island) of the state of Alabama. Just hoping that someday, somehow they can relive that little dubious glory they once relished in.
    Willing to prostitute themselves out in any way possible in a juggheaded attempt just to be noticed by anyone. Aching to prove that they are still relevant. Even though they were at best a one-hit wonder.
    Such is the lot in life of an Aubbo. Thier sad tragic existence only serves to give the rest of us something to point at and laugh.
    Auburn is a clown shoe, A fart in church, (in short) a grotesquely played out joke, destined to call UAB “Sir” in less than 10 years.
    I would rather be from Bangledesh than Lee County.

  17. 20
    OMNIPRESENT aka 36 - 0 and 17-10

    I was enjoying his boyhood analogies until he got to fart in church..thats just wrong and nasty

  18. 21
    nateg

    This article made my stomach turn. Even Auburn fans do not want to hear about masturbation and your other sick analogies. You are a disgrace to the Bama nation and you really don’t need to write anymore articles if you can not do better than this. Please don’t make Bama classless like so many other institutions!

  19. 22
    Auburnisajoke formerly the fan known as Ballplay Indian.

    nateg…..You are going to preach on “class” ? Puleeeese !!!!

  20. 23
    BamaBrando

    Auburn people are hoping and praying that something bad happens to Bama. It is the only way to level the field in their eyes.

  21. 24
    OMNIPRESENT aka 36 - 0 and 17-10

    IM NOT! And I dont cry either you sissy bitch! I personally would always want to COMPETE against the best in my life and I expect/want the AU(team I LOVE) to do the same… Your the ones who will claim you were being picked on becuase you were handicaped.LOSER EXCUSE! according to you guys we could do the same, You say we have an inferior coach which would make us ?? You guessed it HANDICAPPED! But I say BRING SABAN ON! Hes not the best coach in the country,hes not even in the top 3…. IMO! My Prayers are that he gains weight grows and inch or two and brings a uat team worth playing to the 09 IB.. If we lose we lose but it wont be because SHORTY DIDNT COME TO PLAY! Or you had santions caused by uat to handicap you.. or will it what excuse will you have?

    F> U> L

  22. 25
    BamaBrando

    Omni, you are such a hypocrite. You and Julio here like to disregard the Bear Bryant years like they don’t count. That sounds like a loser excuse to me. But you would rather Bama be put on probation or hand cuffed in some way, because that is the only time Auburn can ever compete. It is a fact. Just like Auburn has been on probation before and it set them back. But like I have said before, most Alabama fans I know love the school and its history for what it is. Not to hate on Auburn. But to be an Auburn fan, on the other hand, means to hate looking up to big brother Bama, and to embrace the inferiority complex that infects all of you. But that is to be expected, when you don’t have a great tradition and multiple coaches who have won it all.

  23. 26
    OMNIPRESENT aka 36 - 0 a BamaBrando

    HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAha I ll bet I have more Books on The Bear than you do! I dont Hate uat, I hate the stupid fux that represent them and you guys act like they dont exist. I would NEVER slap a hanicapped person(which means your safe) I would ALWAYS want to play the best because you will never be if you dont!
    Your attitude is to accept handicaps and make excuses because of them mine is to run over them with a vengance for having them you lil twit….. In your mind and most bummers you will always be handicapped becuase you will always LOSE at least a game (2 last year) and you will always make excuses!

    WPB!!!

  24. 27
    OMNIPRESENT aka 36 - 0 a BamaBrando

    To claify b4 I am jumped like a K-D-K at a uat frat party, I mean YOUR HANICAPS and I would run over my own! Please Dont accuse me of being THAT GUY!!!

  25. 28
    BamaBrando

    Omni, you probably was the retard that was jumped. It would be easy to confuse with him anyways. Enjoy your under dog status that you can’t come to grips with. And ROLL TIDE loser.

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