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UPSET ALERT: Five ways Tennessee beats Alabama tomorrow

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Tomorrow is a holiday. As the Vols come to town for the 96th gridiron meeting between the University of Alabama and the University of Tennessee, Alabama holds a commanding lead in the series at 50-37-8.

For Tide fans, the game traditionally known as the “Third Saturday in October” settles in somewhere between Christmas and Thanksgiving. For Vol fans, the game is currently closer to Halloween.

Alabama is #1 in the country and back-to-back and defending National Champions. The Crimson Tide is the golden standard of college football, the program at the forefront of every discussion…all of them…when conversation starts on contention for being the best in the game. Bama is the measuring stick to which all other programs compare themselves.

Tennessee has seen better days, but no current Vol fan can remember exactly when those days took place. It seems the endless stream of cheap moonshine has been flowing for the last decade in a failed attempt to forget what they’ve seen in Knoxville.

What they’ve seen is six straight years of dominance by their most hated rival, and don’t kid yourself…Vol fans hate Bama more than any other program. It’s now been 2,561 days since Volunteer fans donned their best overhauls and enjoyed a win over Alabama. In the current six-game win streak, Alabama has been ranked #1 or #2 four times, while the Little Orange havn’t been ranked in their meetings since their first loss to the Tide in 2007.

UT fans, this is who you're pitting against Nick Saban tomorrow.
UT fans, this is who you’re pitting against Nick Saban tomorrow.
Since Tennessee’s last win over Alabama, the Tide has shelved three National Championships while Tennessee has shelved three different coaches. Their current coach…finally able to lead them to a remotely significant win last week against the perennial underachieving South Carolina Gamecocks…looks more fit to “play” Rocky Top than lead it.

Still, as we saw last Saturday, upsets can happen, and this is a Volunteer team that’s playing harder than it has in recent years. So with this in mind, here are five scenarios of how the Vols can come away the victor tomorrow:

1.) If Alabama head coach Nick Saban believes the game is at Legion Field.
The site of dozens of contests between the two, Birmingham’s “Old Gray Lady” could bring back memories told by his friend Mal Moore and momentarily distract Bama’s head coach on game day. Birmingham is roughly an hour away from Tuscaloosa. With a 2:37pm kickoff, televised on CBS, by the time Saban realizes the game is actually supposed to be in Bryant-Denny and could get his team to Tuscaloosa, it’d be 3:30. By then Tennessee would have had at least 5 possessions and about 21 points.

Alabama would have to play from behind from that point and could not afford any turnovers if it wanted to nurse its 14 point lead going into the 4th quarter.

2.) If the student section isn’t full.
Because the University won’t currently do what it should, which is completely disallow the Greek system from block seating at games and/or reduce the student ticket allotment to about 10,000 total seats, fraternity and sorority students will continue to be interested in the game until Bama pulls away. At which point they’ll leave to prepare for the party.

When Nick Saban sees empty seats in the endzone, there is a decent chance that his head explodes. Kirby Smart has yet to coach a game as a head man, but would likley have to take over at that point. The coaching mistakes he might make in his first game could prove costly for Alabama, aiding a Volunteer squeaker in the end.

This little baby could do some damage if it goes haywire.
3.) The entire starting units get hurt on the opening kick-off.
I’ve never seen it happen, but it is possible that every single starter for the Tide could get hurt on the opening kick-off. If all eleven go down on the field with significant injuries, and then the CBS overhead cam disfunctions and flails itself into the Bama sideline, coupled by space debris crashing through the earth’s atmosphere at just the wrong time, kareening into the same spot, Alabama would be forced to play the rest of the game with players that are only a little better than Tennessee’s starting units.

If this guy is real, watch out.
4.) If the magic unicorn Tennessee and Auburn fans have been praying for shows up in Tuscaloosa.
We’ve heard it all from the oppressed praying for relief. “The Curse of Fluker” has done nothing but produce a 7-0 season so far, and waft into nothingness like a bad fart outside a Mexican Restaurant. The wing and a prayer of Ha-Ha Clinton-Dix’s situation was so lethal that the NCAA has already reinstated him. The “Saban To Texas” carousel has come and gone so many times we’re all dizzy.

Nick Saban is like the hot model wife everybody wants, but only one can have. He’s in demand, and if a team looking for a coach doesn’t at least call Jimmy Sexton to inquire, well, then whoever is conducting their search isn’t doing their job. But this and other myths haters hold onto with white knuckles as they keep a watchful eye on the calendar…marking days until their next Crimson beatdown…are nothing but fairytales.

Alabama destroys their opponents because they have better coaches, better coaching, better players, better focus, better preparation, and better strength and conditioning. The days of holding onto hope are behind us in Tuscaloosa, but they’re alive and well other places.

5.) If the team reads this article and believes all they have to do is show up.
Problem is, they won’t. And even if they did, what Nick Saban has built in Tuscaloosa is bigger than hype, emotion, or the “intangibles” analysts like to talk about. This Bama football program is special, with players programmed to look and think beyond the clutter and do what they have to do to dominate, not just win.

It’s why Bama’s record in “big games,” or “games of the century” under Saban is unprecedented. When other programs circle the Tide on their schedule, with ensuing build up rivaling a volcano, Nick Saban’s Alabama Crimson Tide rolls in on a business trip, takes care of business, takes your manhood, and goes home.

In all seriousness, can Bama lose tomorrow? Of course. Anybody can lose on any given Saturday. But you’d have to be the most brainwashed, unintelligent fan to believe a Volunteer victory would happen without significant, almost continuous help all game long.

That’s why I’m saying Bama makes it seven in a row, winning this one 38-6.

(Follow ITK on Twitter for Bama news, commentary and smack.)

19 thoughts on “UPSET ALERT: Five ways Tennessee beats Alabama tomorrow”

  1. I’m calling the score a little closer than 38-6.

    UT is the least-penalized SEC team. They don’t have problems with clock management or false starts, including on the road. Butch Jones, as best as I can tell, is a culturally responsible, intelligent, passionate, no-BS football coach.

    I know I’m supposed to hate Tennessee, but they’re making it hard this year. Frankly, I like the way they’re rebuilding and the way they’re playing football.

    I know they were one Jadaveon Clowney facemask missed call away from losing to South Carolina, among other things, but I think the loss says more about South Carolina than it does about Tennessee. The football at Tennessee is once again fundamental football; not hurry-up and magic tricks, not placards on the sidelines with pictures for the pancackes/Charmander/sock/panda play call. Their fans were leaving football games last year almost as fast as Auburn fans at home, but that’s changed this year apparently thanks to another new Volunteers coach.

    But then I remember how much Bear Bryant wanted to beat Tennessee more than little brother. I remember Fulmer. I remember the things I’ve heard all week from Tennessee fans I don’t even know who notice my Alabama affinity. I see on ESPN how an Alabama fan “violated” the UT rock, not mentioning that the rock is painted over more times a year than an Auburn Majorette’s face, implying it was a clear case of Alabama vandalism rather than showing, for example, the horrible offensive words Tennessee fans wrote themselves on the rock not so long ago for one of their own coaches.

    I can only speculate what the UT rock says at this moment, but I’d be willing to bet it says something about beating Alabama.

    But Alabama is ready. The pieces that struggled early in the season have re-written the book for technique and execution in 2013. The game will be closer than a 32-point spread, but a 10-12 game just isn’t happening in 2013. Protect AJ and unwrap a cigar.

    I’ve got my cigar ready, waiting for Alabama to remind Tennessee once again where it belongs in the spectrum of the modern-day SEC. Rammer Jammer never sounds so sweetly harmonic as after a victory over Tennessee. I’ll be singing it alone at a cabin in the woods during a wedding reception in Western NC, and I can’t wait.

    Roll Tide.

    1. Your right, this will be tougher game then usual. But between the emotion fatigue from the SC game and Alabama’s depth, the Tide should win this one by double digits. However, I expect the games between us, in the future, to become more and more competitive.

  2. Side note, that unicorn is brilliant. I swear I saw it at Toomer’s Corner once.

    It was a little smaller than that, though. Roll Tide.

    1. Didn’t quite work out that way did it???? I think Tennessee played their butts off, but it was obvious that they were no threat to the Crimson Tide.

    2. Sorry about that, somehow I ended up posting on the WRONG post. I TOTALLY agree with ya! Our guys were in SUPER FORM today! TN played their hearts out, but they are CLEARLY no match for THE CRIMSON TIDE! The Dynasty continues! RTR 🙂

  3. I think college football in general is much better when the Alabama-Tennessee game is relevant. I certainly never want to lose, but beating a weak team is no joy.

    Historically, Tennessee has been much more of an equal to Alabama than Auburn has. Auburn really is like a little brother. It’s kind of cute when they win, to watch them get so excited and all.
    It looks like Aubie is going to have a decent record for the iron bowl, so this year’s Third Saturday, and Iron Bowl will both be a little more satisfying.

    P.S. I wonder why I haven’t seen more stories in the mainstream news about Bill Battle’s unique Alabama-Tennessee connections?

    1. I know people say beating weak teams isn’t fun, and my wife said this season isn’t as much fun…..

      But, I don’t mind clubbing seals, especially when those seals are sanctimonious SEC rivals that act like they are either God’s Team doing a God Thing(tm) or Tennessee thanks to all the baggage of the Fulmer years.

      I do want Tennessee to reemerge as a winner in the SEC East at some point. I loved Johnny Majors and the class he brought to the rivalry game. The Alabama-Tennessee rivalry was the best before all that nonsense of the Fulmer era. Of course, Fulmer was winning so nobody in Knoxville cared he was ruining relationships.

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  5. Poor wittle CRAPSTONE REPORT,

    The reason you morons liked Majors was that Bammer owned Majors and Fulmer OWNED BAMMER!!!

    1. Still living in the past Volunqueer? I know you do your little sister, but never thought you were a masochist until now. How did you like the latest seal clubbing of UcheaT? What’s that – 7 in a row? Damn, you’re about to have a whole generation of little UcheaT homers who don’t know the taste of victory against The Dynasty. Bwaa Haww Haww! RTR!

        1. Yeah but we were depleated with the sanctions their asshole coach helped the NCAA bring against us, and they never seal clubbed us like we have them in 6 of the past 7 games. I personally hope they never have another winning season.

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