This offseason has been one for the ages

It’s been said there are two seasons in Alabama: football season and the offseason.

Football season in this state is wild enough, with enough ups and downs to keep a Prozac salesman busy. But the offseason is where the drama usually happens.

It was in the offseason that we learned about the “rumors” that Mike Dubose vehemently denied in May of 2000, which happened to be a bit more.

It was in the offseason of 2003 that we learned that Mike Price loved him some strippers.

In 2006, the death of Logan Young took the cake. Young, the controversial figure at the center of Alabama’s NCAA woes from 2002, was found dead in his multimillion dollar home. First Memphis police ruled the bloody scene a homicide. Then, days later, retracted that thought, saying he simply fell and hit his head. The smell hitting your nostrils still wafts of fishiness, doesn’t it? Five years later it still doesn’t add up.

The offseason of 2009 was eventful, when a fishing trip with a man from a staunch Auburn family “who didn’t really know Julio Jones or Mark Ingram played football” took the headlines. Other inducements were given by this “innocent, well-meaning citizen.” Girl, please.

And don’t forget last year, when Marcel Darius, this year’s No. 3 pick in the NFL draft, found himself at a party in Miami he shouldn’t have been at. Alabama, who suspends its players when under suspicion of wrongdoing (rather than making them their starting quarterback at other schools) held his eligibility in question through the beginning of the 2010 season.

But this year has been different. This year it’s been taken to a whole new level, and I can’t remember an off-season with as many twists and turns.

And we’re not even halfway through May.

First you had Eric Smith, Auburn’s resident felon, getting arrested again and finally, through Frank Chiznik’s 18 strikes and you’re out program, getting booted from the team.

Then you had Al from Dadeville admitting on the Finebaum Radio Network to poisoning the Toomer’s Corner trees. The public outcry and somber tree hug from the Auburn cult fambly was nothing short of embarrassing. Almost as embarrassing as the “Tide for Toomers” fund that followed. Talk about self-loathing.

Next you had Auburn’s felony four Mike McNeil (a starter last season), Shaun Kitchens, Antonio Goodwin and Dakota Mosley getting busted (amazingly) by Auburn police for robbery and a host of other charges. The publicity forced Chiznik to bypass the first 17 strikes and dismiss them from the team.

Next up, Cyrus Kouandjio’s and Brent Calloway’s decommitment from Bama, commitment to Auburn, and then recommitment to Alabama was a firestorm that could’ve carried the off-season by itself. Jeffrey Lee, Auburn’s un-credible writer and operator, again made a clown of himself alleging complete and utter manure in hopes that some of it would stick. None did, and Mr. Lee again took the trophy as the biggest Auburn goober in the state. Rumor is that he declined the prize: a lifetime supply of toothpaste, whitening strips and oral hygiene products.

The NCAA took the headlines next as it looked into possible Auburn links to the use of street agents in recruiting. Oregon’s involvement with an agent from Texas broke the story, but slowly the leaks began to trickle toward Lee County as Trovon Reed and Greg Robinson had a little sit down with NCAA investigators. Other whispers toward a pattern of street agent usage in Arkansas with Gus Malzahn’s longtime relationship with Walt Williams began to rise to the surface.

Then you had the Abarn idiots who proclaimed in excited jubilee that since the NCAA had not hit Auburn with sanctions within the apparent 48 hour window that they think is feasible, that “thar’s nuthin’ to it all…jus bammer lies!!!!” The reality that the NCAA works at the speed of an invalid snail but packs the punch of a Grizzly when they finally get to you simply escaped them.

Next the HBO four went public proclaiming what the rest of us have known for decades: (1.) The Alabama game IS their season, and (2.) Cheating continues to be rampant at Auburn. The NCAA also added these four to the ongoing Cam Newton investigation (as admitted by Jay Jacobs just this week), the use of street agents, and other areas “of interest” down on the plains. But again because the NCAA didn’t immediately tweet their findings, jubilee returned to Lee County “cuz weeze allllll cleyahh!!!”

Then side-splitting hilarity ensued as Jay Jacobs admitted that Auburn began planning to erect statues of its two Heisman winners in the spring of 2010. Though banished from the fambly for some reason, Pat Sullivan would join the overweight and bloated Vincent Jackson in a statue threesome with John Heisman. Didn’t matter that Heisman is best-known for his sixteen years at Georgia Tech. The fact that he stepped on campus made him statue material (Rumor has it Kentucky is planning a similar statue of Bear Bryant on their campus). Now let’s see….what had just happened in our state during that period that would lead Abarn to want to erect statues? Oh yeah! Bama was about to add it’s fifth statue of national championship head coaches to its walk of fame. The little man’s syndrome apparently continues, and Auburn’s bought cow from 2010 would eventually make the plans a foursome.

Next the Saban statue was unveiled at A-Day, where Alabama again set a record for attendance at a spring game with 92,310. Little did we all know that just 10 days later the shape of this off-season, and for many their lives, would change forever.

April 27, 2011, the worst tornado outbreak in our state’s history, the second worst natural disaster and the third deadliest storm in U.S. history ripped through the state of Alabama, with the biggest of the twisters touching down in Tuscaloosa. Missing the campus by yards, it and other tornadoes took the lives of hundreds, forever changing the perspective on what is and isn’t important in life.

Not wanting to miss a chance at some PR, the Abarn Fambly manufactured “Toomers for Tuscaloosa”, making sure TV crews captured their good will efforts while decked out head to toe in Auburn gear. When a friend told me of a co-worker comparing the Toomer’s Corner tree incident to the tornado that ripped through Tuscaloosa, I almost vomited in my mouth. The cult mindset never lets up, even in tragedy.

News of Frank Chiznik’s upcoming book crept into the news; the prolific loser apparently had the nerve to write a book about how to win, combined with his artificial faith (Remember the “it’s a God thing” comment after the Clemson game?…WTH???). Can’t wait to read chapter one: Buy a lightning-in-a-bottle player and then attribute one fluke season as a successful career. I literally may buy the book so I can take a dump on it.

Finally, news broke yesterday that Alabama offensive lineman Aaron Douglas had passed away overnight, the result of a possible overdose. A junior college transfer, Douglas had reportedly battled depression and substance issues in the past. Douglas had figured into the Tide’s plans for the future, though with the move of Barrett Jones to left tackle it was unclear after spring if he would break into the starting lineup. Still, any news of a young man (in his case 21) yielding his life to excess is cause to circle your family around you and remind them again about the frailty and importance of life.

And like I said, so far that has been our off-season….and we haven’t even reached May 15th yet. With two and a half more months until fall camp, can’t we just stop now?

(Follow me on Twitter for news, commentary and smack.)


Add Yours
  1. 1

    With the Cult of Auburn feeling empowered as they do, we haven’t seen the end of the drama. As the noose tightens around them, look for more desperate acts of deflecting the blame.

  2. 3

    The co-worker who compared the oak trees killing to the
    tornado story is a complete IDIOT and needs some serious
    couch time with a professional prozac salesman!!!!!

  3. 4

    You are grossly incorrect. The chain of events concerning the former Auburn football players who were arrested was as follows: 1) players were arrested; 2) players were kicked off the team; 3) public outcry resulting from their actions ensued. You deliberately write as if Chizik attempted to keep them on the team but public pressure forced him to backtrack. That is incorrect and you know it.

    Regarding Eric Smith, the kid got a few chances and stupidly did not take advantage of them and improve his life. Now he faces the consequences. I guess getting a few chances to make up for your mistakes is okay unless you are an Auburn football player. And I will write you a check for $1,000 if you can prove that Gene Chizik has given any player “17 chances.”

  4. 5

    And leave it to a sick person such as yourself to see “Toomers for Tuscaloosa” as anything but what it truly was. What would you have preferred Auburn fans do? Actually, it doesn’t matter. Anything anyone with any connection to Auburn University had done in response to the tragic storms would have been misconstrued by you. Oh, wait! I’m an Auburn fan and even though I live in Tuscaloosa and sat in the basement of Bidgood as the storm ripped up the city, I am obviously using the word “tragic” just to cynically deepen the wound the tornadoes left in their wake.

  5. 6
    Crack is a hell of a drug

    Anybody know any Alabama players throwing any parties this weekend? I heard the last one was to die for.

  6. 7

    With comments like that, I believe you need to get off the crack and try to get you soul back.

  7. 8

    Does anyone know where you could order a customized Bama jersey, with the number 80 and SPIKE as the name? I believe they would be a big seller this year…

  8. 9

    I already have one and I’m wearing it this yr to the Iron Bowl in that nasty city in that outdated stadium named for that loser coach

  9. 10

    To post #6…Eric, don’t make another comment like that one in here, son. A young man is dead; that was completely out of line. But in keeping with Auburn trash like yourself.

    By the way, you could shed a few pounds, tubby. I hear crack helps with that.

  10. 11

    I see Bammer Boy Harvey Updyke just got 6 federal indictments for his little tree tampering. I’m sure you Bammernecks still are wondering what the big deal is.

    RC ..if you feel so froggy about that Spike 80 ….go ahead and take your shot at injecting some. According to the stoopid rumors ya’ll spew on here, the FBI is crawling all around Auburn …and I’m sure that as swift as you are you could outwit the FBI.

  11. 12

    Hey ITK ..are you gonna post an article about those 6 federal indictments?

    Naw …you would rather speculate about a kid getting arrested for driving without a license.

  12. 13

    Hoopie if you’ll show me one Bama fan who endorses what he did, outside your own fantasies I mean, we’ll talk.

    Until then I know I speak for your family when I implore you to please just shut up.

  13. 14

    Hey Hoopie, the twees are old news. Updyke will be punished. No doubt. Auburn will be punished when their day comes, too. Tick-tock. The fall of Auburn is going to be a slow and painful experience for you, so you be sure to come back here so you can watch us enjoy every moment of it.

  14. 15


    Judging by the above comments from Bama Brando and Rc I think those are two fans who don’t have a problem with what he did.

  15. 16

    Hey WDE, I didn’t endorse Updyke. He will be punished and he deserves to be. Was it worth it? Only he can answer that, but I wouldn’t think so. But do I care about the twees? Hell no. Do I care if it bothers you? You know the answer.

  16. 17

    I was just basing that off of your request for a Spike 80 jersey and Rc’s dubious confirmation that he already had one.

  17. 18

    Do you know where I could buy one? I’ve been looking all over. Surely you would know since you like trolling the Bama sites.

  18. 19

    WDEin Ttown

    if Auburn people didn’t act like white trash hypocrites, I would have no desire to wear one. We’ve had the most devastating tornado in state history, and all MOST Auburn ppl can think of are the phucking 100 yr old oak trees? Seriously?! God bless the non white-trash Auburn fans who volunteer and place human life above trees

  19. 20

    Now let me explain to you why that is all bullshit. Most Auburn people care only about the Toomers trees than the devastation here in Tuscaloosa? Hardly. Most of my good friends are those with whom I graduated from Auburn and none of them equate the two. None at all. But since you’ve mentioned it, the reason people were so upset about what Updyke did was what it represented. The fact that someone let a sports rivalry consume him so much that he would destroy something that was so special to a large group of people. Imagine what your reaction would be if some idiot Auburn fan took a sledge hammer to the captain’s prints around Denny Chimes. It would be horrible and you would probably be upset.

    Frankly, I think your reasoning shows you to be a coward. If you want to wear a jersey like that then admit the real reason for doing it. You don’t know every Auburn fan. The only contact you probably have with Auburn fans are from Finebaum and and that is hardly a representative sample. So to say you want to wear a jersey like that because of what you say most Auburn people are like is bullshit. Just admit the true reason you would want to wear it instead of looking for a reason to blame your irrationality on Auburn fans.

  20. 21

    I would wear one solely for the purpose of pissing you off. I don’t need any other reason. It is no different than the Auburn fans with the skeleton wearing a houndstooth hat. Y’all do stuff like that all the time, just to piss off Bama fans. What is the difference in wearing a SPIKE 80 jersey?

  21. 22

    WDE in T-town:

    I graduated from UA, and I know shitloads of Auburn ppl, both graduates and sidewalk (BTW, LOTS of AU fans are contrary to pop belief). MOST Auburn ppl I have met IN PERSON (catch that WDE in Ttown) turn out to be huge hypocrites once I get to know them. As far as “cowardly” acts, you do go by a screen name, correct? LOL. Better yet, WDE, you name the time, city, date, and place and we can “discuss” this Mano a Mano

    • 23
      Mike Reaves

      RC You got to be kidding, Who would have thought you graduated from The Elephant Inclosure! You must have spent your college money on Porno movies, don’t think you learned anything!Now in addition to your slut mouth , you’ve started calling people out, whwre do you live and what’s your address?

  22. 24

    ah, that myth that most Auburn fans are graduates is bull. They say that to justify their low numbers when compared to the support Bama fans have for Bama. Auburn fans are well known for their usage of Auburn Mathâ„¢.

  23. 25

    Challenging someone to a fight in the comments section of a blog? I’m starting to see why you sympathize with Updyke.

  24. 26


    don’t sympathize at all. I along with most Bama fans know he’s sorry. However, all Auburn fans I know have no objectivity when it comes to that con artist criminal POS former QB and his pimp father. Only AU fans are dumb enough to believe he decided to go to Auburn for free. Any AU fan that tells me to my face to show the proof, I will spit in their face like any other white trash moron with no integrity

  25. 29

    FBJ can’t even celebrate that tainted Championship without being bitter, because even after Auburn won that, Bama STILL gets more respect, as he is slow to realize. He can only feel good by trolling Bama sites.

Comments are closed.