God is on Auburn’s side

God loves football. And God really loves Auburn. We know that because God’s prophet is Gene Chizik, and he declared this the case after Auburn’s dramatic win over Clemson.

Chizik said of the win, “It’s a God thing.” (source: AUbeat)


But if God cared, couldn’t he have covered the spread?

Or fixed the game clock?

Or given Auburn a lake instead of Clemson?

Alas, my faith is not what it should be. I must dig deeper into the religious teachings of the Chiz; there are no doubt impressive things that can be discovered from the liturgy of the Church of Auburn.

Thing like, Blessed are the rich in fambly, for they shall see Pat Dye. And the traditional hymn for this season Ave Cam!

Hail Cam
Full of (laptops)speed
The Lord is with thee;
Blessed are thou among quarterbacks;
And blessed are the fruits of thy
And Holy Malzahn
Father of offense
Score for us fans
Now and forever.
War Damn Eagle!

Gene Chizik is a joke.

But we already knew that.

I’m just glad to find out God really does care about football. I’ve always felt bad spending so much of my life thinking about the sport. Now I can be comforted that when I stand before the Judgment Seat and Almighty God asks me what I have done in this life, I can say that I gave a damn about football. That should score me some points. Maybe it’ll get me a bigger mansion in heaven.