A football fan’s tips for dating

We have entered the doldrums. Football season seems so far away, but that doesn’t mean we have to avoid important football related issues. One of the most important issues for a football fan (male or female) is finding the right balance between it and other aspects of life. Perhaps these tips will help balance football with your relationships.

Love is greater than lust. Keep dating in context because there are things that are more important. Your first love is football. If your date doesn’t share that love, then you must set appropriate boundaries. If you don’t, you’ll end up engaged to a harpy who sets the wedding date on the Third Saturday of October. Which is really important, since the Third Saturday can often fall on the fourth Saturday—it is kind of like Easter, since where Easter falls is a mystery dependent on the Paschal moon. If you date a girl that doesn’t know the SEC football schedule, then the consequences can be severe. Your first priority must be to determine her interest in football.

TIP: Understanding this rule means you should look for a potential date in places like the Bryant Museum, the lobby of the Wynfrey Hotel during SEC Media Days and Wal-mart during the national championship trophy display.

Watch your finances! Beware the cost of a date. If you spend too much on your girl there won’t be enough left over for tailgating! Spending money on fancy restaurants and wine is nice, but where will the beer (or scotch since I prefer Laphroaig) money come from? This could also mean a reduction in funds to pay for DirecTV’s NFL Sunday Ticket if you also enjoy a relaxing day of NFL football following your Saturday SEC ritual.

TIP: Women prefer men who have money. So, you will need a conspicuous display of your wealth. Instead of spending lots of money on a fleeting date, invest in an expensive and exotic car. The car makes it easier to get the girl in the first place, and it makes it easier to get another girl down the road.

Don’t be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. I remember reading that somewhere. It seemed important at the time, and it is very important when you are dealing with dating and football. You don’t want to spend time around an Auburn fan if you are an Alabama fan, or spend time around a Mississippi State fan if you are an Ole Miss fan. See the point? If you aren’t careful you could end up spending time with riffraff. This rule is usually applied to religious dating—if you are married to or dating someone outside your faith community. It means a Protestant dating Catholic, a Jew dating Catholic, a Baptist dating another Baptist (really, have you ever seen two Baptists agree about anything?). However, that seems too narrow an application of God’s teaching. God said in Deuteronomy 7:3: “Do not intermarry with them.” I’m pretty sure he was talking about Auburn fans as well as heathens. Aren’t they the same thing anyway?

TIP: Women often hide their allegiance until late in the relationship. You should ascertain her true allegiance early. If you are an Auburn fan, she should know all about Bo Jackson and Pat Dye and 1957. If you are an Alabama fan, she should be able to tell you the year of each national championship; if she can name the years of SEC championships then she is a treasure.

Hopefully, by keeping in mind these rules you will be able to avoid the unfortunate consequence of having to put a House Divided tag on your automobile.