Advice For Derek Dooley

Dear Derek:

Congratulations on landing the job in Knoxville. Hopefully the burning mattresses and rioting have died down by now. Just chalk that silliness up to a rabid fan base tired of losing to Alabama, and just being irrelevant in general. I have great respect for your dad and his accomplishments, and think you’re a good coach under all those losses. With that in mind, I just wanted to offer you a few pieces of advice as you get started in Big Orange country.

1.) You’ve already been referred to as Tennessee’s Bill Curry. So my first item of advice would be to find a good brick and keep it in a safe place. You’re going to lose some games, well, alot, because you have no stability, your supporters are divided over you even being there, your recruiting is about to hit the skids like a speeding semi on an icy road, and your boss will probably get the ax soon.

So get that brick ready, and after your most embarrassing loss next season, which could come against UAB, break a window in your office and deflect the focus on your shortcomings to a rabid, irrational fan base.

Of course, don’t make the mistakes Curry did. You need to actually produce the brick for people to see, and there needs to be glass INSIDE your office (from the toss from the exterior to the interior) instead of just outside on the pavement. I’ve never seen a brick go through a window yet leave all the glass on the outside, but hey, I’m not a physicist either. But for safety’s sake, do what I just said.

2.) Start now telling people how long it’s going to take to fix the mess you inherited. Obama has been doing it since he stepped into the Oval Office, and while that’s not fooball, it works in football too. Then when you get fired by the new A.D. brought in to replace Mike Hamilton, you can (again) point to the rabid, irrational fan base that wanted to win right away and didn’t give you enough time.

3.) Blame your lack of production on youth. Tommy Tuberville did that for ten years at Abarn, and it seemed to work every year for some reason. Call him and ask how that worked.

4.) Go ahead and invest in ankle monitoring bracelets. You have players on your team who are criminals, and they may not like being yelled at in practice. For the protection of your family, you need to know their whereabouts at all times. Just avoid Pilot gas stations and that’ll go a long way in protecting you.

5.) Try to hire Gus Malzahn. He has a dipsy-doo, trickeroo offense that works sometimes. It’s mostly a sham, but it looks really good when you play an opponent who thinks they can beat you running between the tackles all night…because they don’t really have to break out the good stuff with bigger games to play around the corner. But there’s enough smoke and mirrors involved in it to eek out wins over some Division 1-AA teams and poor bowl competition. Your fans will rave over 8 wins like there’s no tomorrow (hopefully…but it may just be delusional Abarn fans; they’re pretty stupid).

6.) Stay close to Nick Saban. You have a long history with him, and once you get canned he’ll make some phone calls and help you. You are a legitimate coach and he knows that, and given the time you could win at Tennessee. But sadly, the orange delusion that believes UT belongs on the same stage with the big boys will cut your career short there. So just keep Saban on speed dial and keep your eyes open for that next gig.

7.) Fumigate your office. There’s no telling what Lane did in there. He is a deranged, self-entitled brat, and that thinking can lead to some pretty twisted stuff. I’m sure he and Mrs. Kiffin broke the office in nicely, and being from Southern Cal, there’s a lot of “stuff” being passed around out there between the sheets. Some Clorox wipes will do the trick though.

I wish you all the best there at Tennessee. Sadly, you don’t have much of a chance, and I wouldn’t go white water rafting in East Tennessee; banjo music in the woods can lead to bad things. But we’ll see you next October. Best of luck until then.



Add Yours
  1. 1

    …” 3.) Blame your lack of production on youth. Tommy Tuberville did that for ten years at Abarn, and it seemed to work every year for some reason. Call him and ask how that worked” …

    LMFAO!!! This is a great piece. You sir are an exceptional writer!

    Couldn’t agree more on the advice.

  2. 4

    Need to clean those orange and blue specs there Julia. A husband and wife can do that wherever they please; no insult. I didn’t say the wipes were for her.

  3. 5

    Oh yeah, you’re right ITK. It’s perfectly tasteful to post crude jokes about the sex life of an innocent woman (and mother of three young children) on a widely published internet site as long as you didn’t specifically say that the clorox wipes are for her. I guess it was just that crazy AU bias that clouded my judgment.

  4. 6

    Nah, just another aubsessed abarn fan who LIVES on bama message boards in search of ANYTHING to argue about.

  5. 8

    Perhaps, but not as funny as watching you boogs from abarn celebrate eight wins like you’ve actually accomplished something.

  6. 9
    Big red A

    BamaHate, you still got “Bama” in your tag, like your sister has that tramp stamp on the small of her back with your name, so go ahead and convert to BamaLove like you want to. It’ll keep that crimson workboot out of your ass, and you’ll start to see an improvement in your daily life. People will actually respect you, you’ll feel relevant. Confidence in actually succeeding will become second nature (not moral success), and your head will stop hurting. So come on over, ther is forgiveness in the sea of crimson for you.

  7. 10

    So …. if Saban leaes o go to Notre Dame, USC…. the NFL ….LSU…. wherever….
    At least he left the Bama program in much better shape than he found it.

  8. 11

    What I meant to say is if Saban leaves to go somewhere else,
    He has left bama in better shape than he found it.

  9. 12

    Big Red A you have no recriters other than saban, Willis left which would be the closest thing. The rest of your coaching staff sucks which is quite different than every other school in the country. You know why? Cause nobody wants to work for a tyrannical midget and as soon as they can, they bolt. Get used to being second to AU in the west cause it will happen. We are out recruiting you and our overall coaching staff is leaps and bounds better. As much as you malign Chizik, he has done a better job winning and recruiting than Saban did with a better coaching staff, get used to it cause we will sign Lattoimore and possibly Seastrunk whom didn’t give the Imp a second look

    also with “Lame” Kiffin, he and Orgeron will beat the shit out of you rednecks with USC at any bowl game you might go too, which will not be the NC game next year. So long and just swallow your new reality.

  10. 13

    Okay BamaHate, your last post was the dumbest grouping of words and sentences I have ever read. We are all now a little dumber after having read what you said.

    So James Willis leaving is the beginning of the end for Alabama? Hmmm. I guess I better sell all my Bama stuff. Thanks for letting me know.

  11. 14

    ITK — it’s kind of hard to find something to hate about Dooley. But then again — it’s big orange rocky flop so the “hatred” will ensue in the future.

    What do you think about the Georgia connection with this hire? Does rocky flop really think they are getting a long term deal? We all know his first two seasons are going to be abysmal. Will the rocky flop nation “put up” with this and give him the 4 year minimum term that most Universities give their head coaches to “get things in order”? Would like your input on this ITK. Much thanks, MGMT.

  12. 15
    Big red A

    Hate, our coaching staff turs over now because people who have been associated with Saban are more desirable than the losers you guys are worshiping. He’s fired better recruiters than now reside in AU, so don’t get your thongs too high in your ass, we’re still higher than you in ALL of the recruiting boards exept the aubie home site. When your program actually gains relevance you will have been dead of old age for at least a century. We only have to re-acquaint ourselves with winning, you don’t know what it feels like to begin with. So what if we don’t RE-peat, you girls can’t even climb the hill when you are undefeated. Go back to cow-tipping, I offered you absolution with the Bama fans if you’d just convert. You can get with THE program, or dream of the never was Auburn Tigers. As I said, it doesn’t matter how many Iron bowls you girls win, you will never be nationally respected until you can get to the top of the heap over and over like the Crimson Tide of which you are jealous.

  13. 16

    I’ll give Dooley some credit — he just hired Kevin Steele away from Dabo @ Clemson — just to think K. Steele left Saban almost two years ago all to not get a National Championship ring and to lose to South Carolina in the final Clemson game. Lance Thompson too. James Willis the luckiest bastard ever? I think so. Much props to K. Steele from leaving the “hot seat waiting to happen” at Clemson.

  14. 17
    Indiana Vol


    What advice could the Crimson Turd Morons have for a well-respected coach other than instructions on how to run the dirtiest program in college football, which is Bammer?

    Do us all a favor and keep your infantile bullshit to yourself!

  15. 18
    Big red A

    Let’s all just consider the fact that that dumb fucker lives in indi-fuckin-ana and try to ignore him. You know, like trying not to stare at a mentally challenged person. Speaking of window-lickin’, booger eating retards (tennessee fans), who the fuck are you calling “dirty”? Seems like the orange dumbcicles are going to prison shortly after arriving on campus. Good ol’ rotten crotch, rotten crotch tenessee. I hope they don’t start breeding with the aubies, that would just be fucked up, all those recessive genes, YUK.

  16. 19
    Indiana Vol

    Hey Big RED A(SS),

    Your Crimson TURD moron intellect is obvious from your post. I’ll bet mommy is proud that her little inbred bastard can type!

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