Shane: Top Ten Sports Media Wackos

By Shane from Centerpoint
As a tribute to all the hard working sportswriters out there, and in light of the ever increasing popularity of lists, I’ve decided to compile a ranking of sports personalities. This list consists of a group of guys who, being allowed by profession to pontificate to the people, just might take themselves a little too seriously.

Now, to qualify for the list you must be an arrogant, self-centered, talking head that really believes that the masses wait on pins and needles to read or hear what you have to say. By the way, journalists from every medium easily qualified.

Why waste time – here goes:

#10 – BRUCE FELDMAN Who is this clown? He looks and talks like a National Public Radio reporter. There’s no way this character ever played a down of football. Works the periphery surrounding college football, because he apparently knows nothing about the game.

#9 – TONY KORNHEISER I’m not sure why he’s involved in sports broadcasting. Tony looks like a homeless dude, has a loud mouth, and is totally obnoxious. I suppose he ate a few bags of pork skins at lunch one day and passed a football, because he actually thinks he’s an expert.

#8 – LOU HOLTZ I so sick of hearing Lou’s false teeth slide while he slurs out his doctrine that I could pull an Elvis and shoot my TV. Yea, he’s forgotten more than we’ll ever know, but does that really matter if Dr. Lou can’t deliver his message without sounding like a fool.

#7 – DANNY SHERIDAN Introducing Mr. Authority. Danny treats everybody like they’re a stooge. He claims that he is the only one who knows anything about football, because he actually studies the game. I guess nobody else is smart enough. Honestly, this guy has the personality of a door knob.

#6 – KEVIN SCARBINSKY The man is just irritating. Thank goodness he is an opinion writer, because he sounds like Mickey Mouse on the airwaves. Scarbo is a media guy #5 wannabe (you’ll understand in a minute). In addition, he wears a black French beret in public. That can’t be normal.

#5 – PAUL FINEBAUM Paul always has a nasty, caustic edge. He attacks the weakest point and usually twists the point of any topic in his favor. This guy is like a sports vulture, waiting for the injured to falter. The pundits tell me Finebaum is a master of the “crawfish” maneuver as well, who always slides out of paying the price for what he says. F-bomb is talk radio’s version of Teflon Don.

#4 – KIRK HERBSTREIT Kirk’s Big 10 bias bleeds into every take on college football he’s ever given – he’s too vanilla. To compensate he sometimes over-hypes everybody else. The man even claimed that Auburn’s new head coach, Gene Chizik, is a good coach. Go figure! Besides, I bet Herbstreit spends more time in front of a mirror than Erin Andrews.

#3 – BRENT MUSBERGER This cat has the single most irritating voice in the history of sports broadcasting. His Pac 10 and Notre Dame biases hang from his neck like badges. It is also very evident that man hates the SEC.

#2 – HERB WINCHES Yes, I know Herb isn’t working in the business. That just serves to validate my reason for having him second on this list. Winches is the biggest know-it-all in the history of sports journalism; and anytime he was on the air, he hogged the microphone like nobody’s business. Others never could get a word in edge-wise when Herb was near the mic.

#1 – TIM BRANDO World meet Brando – the original “legend in his own mind”. Tim resembles a cartoon character. He is a name-dropper and a self-promoter extraordinaire. He speaks with a southern drawl and sports the ugliest toupee in the business. Brando is so self-absorbed that he could fill a four-hour radio show talking to himself about himself. Tim always offers his opinion on anything and speaks with authority, even if he knows that we know he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Tim is the mouth of the South.
—Shane writes a weekly column for the Call News and the Capstone Report.