Must be a loser to be a college football analyst

Dear ESPN,
I just learned that you’ve booked another of our former coaches, this time Coach Fran, to be alongside Dave Barnett for the Alabama-Clemson game later this month. Your ESPN radio will broadcast the game, and the tandem will be on hand to give us all the action.

Oh goodie. Thank you so much for giving us yet another former Alabama coach with less than positive feelings about us to call one of our games.

I’ve been to Bristol, Connecticut a few times, but I’m not sure what it’s like to live through a football season up there. I am, however, somewhat of an expert on the greatest time of year here in Alabama, and let me tell you…there is nothing, and I do mean nothing, like waiting from January till August for football season to finally get here, and then waiting all week for the next game, and then waiting all day until game time, then turning on your broadcast for one of our games only to be met by a man who loathes our University.

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Good job, ESPN. Well done.

We all loved tuning in to your station(s), the equivalent of a sports broadcasting monopoly, only to find Bill Curry staring back at us with that smug grin on his face. It’s been great hearing him pontificate these last ten years, and even better reading his blather on your website as he positioned himself as an “expert” on Alabama football; this as we’ve wandered through our darkest decade in our rich history.

Curry and Franchione’s presence on your network proves what I and many others have known for years. You have to be a loser to be a college football analyst. No, I don’t mean that haphazzardly. I mean literally. In order to be an expert about college football behind the camera, you have to be a loser on the sidelines.

Curry posted a snazzy 34-43-4 record at his alma mater. Then, obviously because we were being punished by God, he was given the post at Alabama, where he went 26-10, losing three straight to Auburn. He then bolted Tuscaloosa for Kentucky, where in his seven seasons he shelved six losing seasons, including a one-win 1994 football season. It took a school without a football program…with obviously no knowledge of the sport…to give him another shot. Say hello to the Division I-AA cellar, Georgia State!

Fran blew the doors off in College Station with a 25-22 record, which included the largest loss in school history, a 77-0 drubbing by Oklahoma in 2003, and a loss to Baylor which ended a 13 year winning streak against the Vanderbilt of the Big Twelve.

In closing, I’m looking forward to the day when you add yet another steller broadcaster to your crew. If we can tolerate all the “ummmms” and “uhhhs”, I know Mike Shula will have plenty of good to say from the booth as you drop him in place for the Iron Bowl.